[OOC] Crystal Universe

[Akayaofthemoon]

AAAAANNNNNDDDDD HE IS BACK TO BEING A JERK AGAIN! I just spent the night crying and being pissed/upset. I will try to post tomorrow but it is probably not happening tonight now. Glad to know that taking care of my grandma after surgery is not as important as him getting the things I offered to him out of storage. I have no idea who this person is. He is not the man I married. I have no idea what happened to the nice person that I loved.

[Spinna]

@Akayaofthemoon I'm so sorry. I know I keep saying that but I don't know what else to say. Like I said to Loon when he was having problems, I love you and you're welcome to tell me if there's anything I can do. Maybe I could ask my mom what she did when things didn't work out with my dad? He was a massive jerk for a while, enough so that I cut him out of my life for several years.

[Akayaofthemoon]

@Spinna

Honestly, I am having trouble moving on. I will take any and all advice I can get :(

[Spinna]

@Akayaofthemoon I asked my mom. Her advice was actually about what I would have guessed. She says she spent more time with friends and family, prayed a lot and tried to be more physically active, and that these things helped hear heal little by little, but the healing process didn't happen all at once. So, do those things if you think it will help, and know that eventually the pain will go away and you'll be stronger for it. Idk, I guess that seems like pretty stereotypical advice but she says it worked for her.

[Akayaofthemoon]

@Spinna

That is kind of what I have been doing so at least I am headed in the right direction. I haven't been doing much exercise but I have been taking short walks for my breaks at work since I have been having panic attacks and need air. I am starting a detox diet for a week on Monday so that should help my body feel better and lose some weight which will make me feel better about myself. I want to be the weight I need and use to be before my husband. I need to get back to the beginning before I can move forward completely. I know it sounds stupid but I don't feel like me.

I am also doing a new thing where I go to the movies every Tuesday since all movies are 5 dollars a ticket. It is helping me get use to being in public without freaking out or shying away.

[Raijinslayer]

@AkayaofthemoonGood words fail me at the moment, but I'm happy to see that you're starting to feel better. Tell your kitty I said hello!

[Akayaofthemoon]

@Raijinslayer

My kitty being home helps. She helps me heal more than I could have imagined. I have someone to love and care for which is good for me. I have mostly bad days but there are some good ones.

[Spinna]

@Akayaofthemoon It sounds like you're on the right track then! Keep going for walks if you can, just getting some fresh air and sun can be great for you and any exercise is good exercise. I would totally hang out with you if I could, but it's probably for the best that you're getting out one your own. Learning how to carry yourself with confidence while alone should be good for you mentally, it has been for me.

[Akayaofthemoon]

@Spinna

I am trying to be better for myself. I need to heal. I need to feel good about myself. I need to forget him and think of a future without him. I need to hope that this will all get better and I will find someone wonderful

[Spinna]

@Akayaofthemoon Keep trying, you'll feel better before you know it. I know you're capable of finding someone who's perfect for you, but for what it's worth I think you're already pretty awesome on your own.

[Loony]

@Akayaofthemoon I'm really not the greatest with this sorta stuff, but I'm really sorry with everything that's happening. I'm glad your cat is helping you recover - it's good that you're both taking care of each other.

@Kronshi I'm ready to get a reply up as soon as someone else does. I know I was exempt in your roll call, but I just wanted to put that out there.

[Raijinslayer]

@LoonySup Loony, how ya doing?

[Loony]

@Raijinslayer Been better, but not bad. Trying to finish this credit in under a week, procrastinated two of those days because I'm an idiot, now currently working on 9 pages worth of work. X______X

[Akayaofthemoon]

I love you all. I will try to post today to move some of the Kindergarten stuff forward :/ not sure how good or long it will be.

[Raijinslayer]

@Raijinslayer Been better, but not bad. Trying to finish this credit in under a week, procrastinated two of those days because I'm an idiot, now currently working on 9 pages worth of work. X______X

@Loony

I can feel that, as my status can tell you, College bee kicking me in the ass lately.

@AkayaofthemoonCool, glad to be of service. Also, I got a short post up for rReggie. Wasn;t sure what to have him do at the moment, so he's just asking t be let down.

@BrassOtterForgot to mention ya.

[Loony]

@Raijinslayer

This is completely self inflicted though. I don't know what's been up with mom as of late but she's fucking pissed. I know she means well and I'm lucky that my parents care but just...Holy shit, it's taking a toll on my mentally. Would you believe it if I told you I had //three// mental breakdowns in one day? Euhg.

Graduating high school as quick as I can is mostly just to get her off my case. I wake up to her screaming about how useless I am, how I don't work hard enough, how I should just give up, asking me what I'm even trying for, etc. She's been getting a bit better about it after my dad had a talk with her but it's still a constant worry.

If I can finish a credit by roughly the week, I can graduate at least half a year early. And if I do that, then I can also do whatever extra courses I want while I save up money to move out, since by law I'm allowed to stay at my alt school even after I graduate and continue to earn credits up until I'm 22. Don't intend to do that since that'll mean living with mom for 5 more years, but at least until I'm 18 or 19 methinks.

So I get her off my case and I make more time to get out, as well as working in a school environment to keep my brain from not dying over the months between moving out and uni.

On the bright side, she finally agreed to buy a proper binder...Only took her over a year and two instances of the one she got for 50 cents from the creepy garage sale lady (which I told her again and again is not proper and could do permenant damage to my ribs and/or lungs) cutting to a bleeding point twice, but eh.

I still don't know how to feel about this

My social worker signed me up for this art therapy group sorta thing...One of the guys there going over my history + safety plan in case I go suicidal again was about to call the authorities because he deemed my mom to be both mentally and physically abusive and manipulative. The only reason he didn't is because I'm over 16 (that's more or less the legal age in Canada) and told him I didn't want him to, and that she's gotten better honestly, a lot of it is due to her PTSD, and that she hardly gets physical anymore, and when she does it's a slip up, therapies done wonders, and it wouldn't be fair to my brother because she's good now, she's never done anything near what she used to with my sister and me.

I don't know what to think.

I've always felt guilty that I wanted to move out for a plethora of reasons, but now that he's implying that guilt's possibly imposed on me rather than my own thoughts, and that I might be a victim of gaslighting is sorta terrifying.

Sorry this became vent-y. Orz

[Spinna]

Spinel post woop.

@Loony Hey Loon, I know we've already spoken about it somewhat but I'm really sorry about the difficult stuff you've been going through with your mom. I'm always here to offer what comfort I can, if you want. Congrats on the school stuff though!

[Raijinslayer]

@LoonyShit, that sounds rough. I honestly don't know what to say. I wish I could help in some way.

My Hider

As for the thing with your mom, that really doesn't sound good. I'm not sure what you should do, given all the factors. Is there anyone you can talk to about her behavior, because that seems unacceptable in my opinion. Like I get parents getting on your case, but this sounds like she's trying to break your self-confidence or something,like she's messing with your head. Sorry if I'm overstepping my boundaries by saying this, but it pisses me off to think off people acting like that towards their own children.

[Loony]

@Raijinslayer

My Hider

As for the thing with your mom, that really doesn't sound good. I'm not sure what you should do, given all the factors. Is there anyone you can talk to about her behavior, because that seems unacceptable in my opinion. Like I get parents getting on your case, but this sounds like she's trying to break your self-confidence or something,like she's messing with your head. Sorry if I'm overstepping my boundaries by saying this, but it pisses me off to think off people acting like that towards their own children.

There's always my social worker, and if things get back my psychologist.

That's the thing though, I know it's no purposeful. I'm very, VERY certain, gaslighting or not, my mom really does care for us, and it's just difficult because of her own mental illness.

I don't know if she's messing with my head or if I'm just losing it tbh. My mom can get manipulative as a coping mechanism when she feels endangered due to her PTSD (eg - My uncle Omed is a 35 year old man, wants to visit sister Saba. My mom tells him no, please let me drive you, it's cold, you could slip, etc. Uncle says he wants the excercise anyhow. Mom's mind panics. Mom lies to Omed, tells him that the kids want to go as well -which is a big fat lie because very few people have made me feel as betrayed as Saba has and I'm constantly on edge and anxious around her, a fact my mom knows- and that it's easier to just drive everyone. Omed feels guilty because he doesn't want to disappoint us. He agrees. Mom is relieved. Brother and I get dragged to Saba's. I call her out at home. She denies it ever happening. It's not her intention to hurt me - she just wants to keep her brother safe, even if the threat is really non-existent.)

Don't get the wrong idea about her, she wants what's best, she's just a little skewed in perception methinks.

All the same though, she's shrugged off some really disturbing stuff which I'd rather not get into here, but eh.

[Raijinslayer]

@Loony

My Hider

It's your family, you know her better than I do, but I still don't think you should have to suffer because of her issues. Help her through it and be there for her, but if she's trying to hurt you for her own same, purposefully or not . . . I don't know. This is really not my area of expertise, and I feel like I'm butting in to something that's none of my business. I'll just say that your probably the best judge of the situation and you should just go with your gut.