I think that your character will need some adjustments before he can be approved. Here are the points you'll need to address, in no specific order:
- Make the text more readable. There are quite a few grammar mistakes as well as typos, it makes your writing confusing to decipher. We don't require a high level of linguistic skills,however, more readability would be appreciated.
- There's no such thing as mana circuits (if that's what you meant by "man circuits") in this setting. Unless that's a very specific characteristic of your character's power it doesn't need to be mentioned.
- That personality section is unnecessary as well. For this RP, we'd prefer to see the characters personalities in action, rather than in their CSs. A matter of "show, don't tell". Using the Sample post to showcase your character's personality would be much more appreciated.
- We prefer if you do IC posts, as well as the Sample, in the 3rd person. 1st person posts are disorienting because of the change in perspective from a character to another as well as giving the false impression that your character was any degree of protagonist status when compared to the other PCs which is rather undesirable.
As soon as you have addressed those issues, the CS will be ready for a second round of evaluations.
@KoL Ah my apologies. I was rummaging through a couple of the previous sheets and I saw some with a personality so I thought it was a nice touch. One the flip- side, everything else will be updated as soon as I can ponder on some of mistakes and make my adjustments. Thank you, though!
I am giving @floodtalon until morrow to respond, he has been on, but has made no post, if he doesn't respond I will have a reaction up tomorrow night at the latest
Maybe the Shapeshifter dismissed the centaur a little to fast lol, I think we could have fun together... Or expelled... Whatever comes first lol cuz that's her thinking too, so Miss Reiko might have to teach the special lesson to Liz too, though I doubt it would stick, she's to used to doing her own thing, and that's what she will do lol
Roland is a human. Duncan is the centaur. But yeah the administration would probably hate those two of they started associating more. Oh the shenanigans they would get into.
Age: Physically 17, soul is around a century old. Equipment: White Hood, remnant of his friend who passed. Appearance: Upon casting, the hues of his eyes turn a very light purple. His height is around 173cm and he weighs around 58.9 kg. Species: Possessed Human / Poltergeist
Abilities:
Ethereal Flame: It's a substance that's no different from regular flame. Its properties and attributes are similar to that of any fire ability. However, this occurs when you transfer magic from one person to another. Magic in the hands of the craft can be a dangerous weapon, the man who traded of this gift to Lumen gave him his element on his deathbed. This was done through ancient methods, scrolls and timing. This gives the flame a variety of hues which dense up into a simmering dance. As if the milky way’s colors immersed themselves in the fire. The link is still weak, once it is complete, the hue should solidify to its most permanent hue.
Acute senses: His reaction time is heightened due to the interference of another soul within him. Though the link is still incomplete, they are twice as strong as that of a normal humans. (This implies to the 5 senses)
Diarmuid's Love Spot (Curse): A small birthmark under his right eye. Passed down through the link between men and soul. Through life the soul that possessed the body was philanderer, a man who's pursuit of the opposite sex was about as important as his search for mysteries in life. Upon taking the host's body, he transferred this trait onto him. Taking the shape of a small spot. Stories tell of a man who once held such a curse that made any woman he meets fall for him, in this case however, it works slightly the same. Whoever has eye contact with Lumen and has little to no proficiency in magic, will feel slightly infatuated with him or bothered by his presence. This is 50/50 it tends to bring problems because it seems that the slight majority cannot act normally around him. (This is mostly for npc's. PC's can ignore this if you want to.)
A knock was heard on the door where Lumen stayed the night. The orphanage felt lonelier as the days went by. The youth's friends were slowly being adopted while at the same time new kids arrived at the home who were too young for Lumen to interact with. Perhaps this is because of his shyness... The thought crawled on his mind like a spider to its prey. Slowly creeping into his thoughts and evoking the memory of a friend. A friend that visits sporadically and without warning. One that could be here one day and be gone for next month or so without saying good-bye. This time, however, it's been nearly six months since Lumen last saw him. And each time there was a knock on the door it indicated to him one of two things: The daughter of the owner was preparing me for a family to come in. Or that he arrived with gifts bared in hands. Excitement rushed over Lumen body, he could feel his cheeks pull through the force of his smile. He was sure is was his friends because if it were any other person, the daughter would've told him prior to her arrival to his room.
Lumen had to hurry! He would act disinterested at first. He would look out the window bored, hand holding the weight of his head as he ignored his friend's grand entrance. "Oh, you're back already..." Lumen would say in an attempt to devalue his friend's long disappearance. As if he was gone merely an hour or two. Lumen didn't miss him at all, or at least this is the thought the youth of silver hair wanted to portray. Lumen rushed to position, looking out the window while making the most convincing grimace he could muster. Yes, he didn’t like to admit it, but he practiced this very face just for this occasion. Something about seeing his friend offended and quickly recoiling with a “Just kidding!” brought a sense of joy that this boy really couldn’t put his finger on. Of course, children who aren’t even eight years old seldom understand the mechanics of how they feel. The door opened, but the voice that rang on his ears was not of the man Lumen expected. It was of the daughter of the owner of the orphanage. Lumen’s face slumped and his previous energy had drained entirely, a sigh escaped him. He threw himself on the bed suddenly feeling too tired to do anything else. “You were waiting for him again, Lumen?” her voice was tender, it softened the blow of what his expectation previously had crushed.
"Yeah…” Lumen said burying his face into his pillow. “Priscilla, you talk to him a lot. What’s taking him so long?” Her name was uttered, she didn’t know whether to be embarrassed or suspicious of what was implied in-between the lines of that sentence. Considering the situation that what just at hand, she decided to let it slip. Priscilla walked towards Lumen, sat on the side of his bed and began to run her fingers through those beautiful silver locks of his. Quietly admiring such. “Aren't you hungry? It’s gonna be late soon and you haven’t eaten anything.” Lumen peered out of his pillow, locking eyes with this bigger sister of sorts. Capturing every individual feature on her mien. From the rose of her cheek, to the green of her eyes. A smile which merely propelled what was already a strong motherly aura. And his eyes parted from hers. Focusing on the thought that continued to run across his mind.
“Priscilla?” she replied with a simple, hm? As confirmation that Lumen had her full attention. “If I ever get adopted… Will I be able to see you and Kresnik again?” Kresnik, the name of the man who takes the title of Lumen’s best friend. And of Priscilla’s ‘special’ one. Priscilla face sunk into a frown. Lumen didn’t understand… Did he say something odd? Maybe this was haunting Priscilla as much as it was haunting him. Lumen quickly brought himself up and comforted Priscilla. Doing the same as she did, with fingers running through her hair, combing it with gentle strokes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you sad. It doesn’t matter if I get adopted. I’ll always try to come and see you, okay! So please, don’t be sad.” Priscilla felt his warmth, he was a nice boy. She stood and ushered him to another room, the owner’s office. Where he was met with a card and a small box. As he opened both… Tears began to flow from his eyes…
Denial was the first step, trying to search for a definite answer he begged for the truth to be spoken. He searched for confirmation of the latter, to be told that his friend was still alive. But nothing came to his aid, he had to face this reality alone. His friend, Kresnik was gone. Someone who was like an older brother to him, someone who he could confide in when things seemed grim. Someone who always returned when the others were adopted. Now, he’s gone… And this pained him. Within the box laid a small pearl that rose into the air, floating before Lumen’s very eyes.
“Hi, kiddo. I’m sure you got the bad news. I’m sorry… I wish I could tell you more stories of my adventures. It’s unfortunate, but these things happen.” Kresnik’s voice… it flowed through the magical energy of this pearl. “Though I’ve passed, I can still talk to you like this. Even if it's for a bit. This is a little secret of mines. I’m actually a poltergeist, a being that exist to haunt. Or so the stories tell. The body before me was of a friend too, he said that I could use it. To give me the life that I desired to have. He was sick… and at his deathbed, he allowed me to take control of the body. I lived my life already, but you… You still have much to explore. So this is my last gift to you, Lumen. Make sure you use it well.” The pearl floated to his chest and submerged into his soul, soon flames began to dance at the tip of Lumen's fingers. His eyes shimmered in a different hue, and his magic awoken. "Don't let anyone kill your sense of adventure, kid!"
I am giving @floodtalon until morrow to respond, he has been on, but has made no post, if he doesn't respond I will have a reaction up tomorrow night at the latest
Will post within the hour. Inspiration has been low on my end lately. If I don't end up posting feel free to just move on.
