@KillBox1. makes sense.
2. I just meant that clearly you intended for his powers to affect his physical abilities where the sunlight of house Gisele comes in the form of sorcery. so if his powers are the result of trying to introduce that power to the royal family the intent would have been to transfer the Sorcery. At least that's how I imagine it.
3. At least I could manipulate your abilities for dramatic affect.
The part about his freedom was maybe not important to comment on, but sometimes you just got to let it out. Anyway with luck whenever you update it I won't have any more nagging questions about who the character is.
@jordy0403So I stayed away from specifics last time and that was because there was so little there that I knew I couldn't accept them as they were. But let's get started.
Drax Heron:
Minor thing, but shortish sword? Wouldn't it be better to just call it a short sword. I am not under the impression at least that calling something a short sword was giving it a very specific label to begin with so why the need to make it more vague?
In general I would like to see talents and abilities laid out in paragraph form. This is not necessary and I'm sure at least one of my characters here does not follow that guideline, but it does make it look better and appear as if there was more effort put in. Which is what you want me to think. Same goes for personality though I know I didn't put Raven's personality in paragraph form because I got lazy at that point. I should go fix that.
Given the picture above Drax does not look like the kind of guy that could blend into a crowd with the armor and his mismatched eyes aren't helping. Also wouldn't the armor get in the way a bit? Like I know armor does not actually limit your mobility that much, but climbing and jumping and other such activities I assume you want to do in order to live out the assassin fantasy must be a lot harder with the added weight.
Why did Drax become an assassin? Why was he told to kill a family of farmers? Was that his only job as an assassin? If so it does not really make it seem like he would be that good with his weapons otherwise why waste his time by sending him off to kill a family of nobody farmers. He had to go on the run for leaving his assassin guild? I mean it makes some degree of sense if I make some logical leaps, but it is never stated that anything happens to people who leave the guild so it would be nice to see that sort of thing in writing. If you give enough detail about the guild maybe I can work it into the story somehow, which could be good for everyone. AS it was before there was this weird dynamic where Drax wanted redemption, but was still just killing people anyway. which I think we can all agree doesn't make sense. At least the way its written now Drax seems to realize he cannot redeem his sins by killing more people. Probably not helped by the fact that doing a background search on targets with nothing, but word of mouth and his own ability to catch people in the act cannot per 100% successful at finding guilt or lack thereof. So he wants to kill Darkness now? Do you mean like monsters or do you mean the dark army that will be the antagonists for the rest of the rp? because if you mean the latter you'll need a reason to know they exist as they haven't even been found out in the ic yet.
Jaiden Halden:
The appearance is pretty light. And I know I hate writing descriptions of how people look myself and if everything else was good I wouldn't hold it against you, but being more descriptive here can help your cause. assuming your cause is getting the character accepted. The only detail that bugs me here is what his clothes are then? It makes distinctions about itself and then ends up still being vague.
Again putting talents and personality in paragraph form makes it look better and represents more effort which are both good things even if they are not mandates.
If he was the son of a farmer going into the city must have been a pretty big deal, meeting a prince while there, having said prince be the youngest and sickliest prince who must have snuck away from his guards to even be out and about and playing with that prince... multiple times... well it must be one hell of a story. One that I am disappointed does not have more detail. He was training in fighting? Not impossible, but he's a farmers son, how did he get the opportunity to train himself? Did his family have a problem with it distracting from whatever duties he had on the farm? What drove him to take up fighting anyway? How old was he when he started this training, because I've seen young people trying to learn Karate and stuff. It takes them way longer to really grasp the material. Assuming that Jaiden was really young was he just different from normal children in this aspect and what about his abilities got him noticed? I imagine, and you can disagree, that he would have been chosen for potential and his connection to Lethonel more than anything else. Its also a little bit jumbled up. It wasn't so bad until you tacked how he actually met Lethonel at the end there. Still think that encounter needs fleshing out though because you wouldn't be in the city all the time- wait son of a farmer and a baker? Is the farmer just like a former farmer and they live in the city off of the bakery now or something? Which could put him in the city on a constant basis or do they run a farm and a bakery outside the city? Or is the father like some sort of plantation owner who chooses to live away from the land and still benefits from whatever labor goes on o his land.
Generally I don't like having these questions nagging in the back of my mind about a character. I mean its one thing if there is supposed to be a level of mystery about a character. But I don't get the impression that there's anything to hide about these characters and knowing the answers to a lot of if not all the above questions and working them into the character sheets will to flesh out the characters and give me a better sense of who they are. Like I don't have a problem figuring out who Lethonel or Alistair or Aegis are when I read their sheets and part of it is that they're a lot longer and part of it is that they don't leave me with nagging questions.
@CuccorulerWill respond to it a bit later if nobody else gets to it and maybe a bit after that I'll move things forward a but, though you will need something to do during the meeting so if you have any ideas on that maybe we should start talking about it. I do hope though that Rida appreciates in the end that she's been put on the plot train, that said her accusations about against the rest of her family ring a little hollow to me, but I can only imagine that was the point.
