spicykvnt — Roleplayer Guild

I thank you for both the kind words and feedback. To be honest, I had thought of a possible nickname, but got caught up in possible elvish variants to the point where nothing really materialized, hence the bit on the Ta'viri and their naming conventions. Although I will say "The Herald" is rather fitting. Not only for the reasons you stated, but also because he is technically a vessel to a demon and thus a herald of sorts for its power.

Now, to clarify some things.

In regards to things like how he found the demon, while I had it planned out as him hearing rumors of its trail of destruction and following that, I think I'm probably going to change that to make it more plausible and less... convenient.

As for not revealing some things in his sheet, while I know you would like to see more in the CS, I personally find leaving things like favourite foods and such unknown works better, in my case anyway, as it lets me think it out more in advance and then reveal it through interactions as the roleplay progresses.

Also, I do agree that some parts of the history section can be trimmed down quite a bit. That's always been a problem for me though. I usually stray into writing more than is strictly necessary, or bloat passages with tons of details, most of which don't technically matter in the long run.

Finally, as for his motivations, I have them as a very twisted form of nietzschean philosophy. Living in a frozen waste, he slowly had the worldview embedded in him that being strong is better than being weak, as being weak would essentially invite death. While this wasn't always the case, and there are many Ta'viri who are not strong by his definition, he still sees the world this way because he's sort of stuck in that close minded state. One similar to a tyrants, where they can't or don't realize they're wrong until it's far too late. Of course, for the sake of character development, I will have him question his rigid stance on strength vs weakness, as well as what he considers strength and what he considers weakness, but that will be done in the RP itself.@ZAVAZggg

Regarding your writing a long backstory; it's actually one of the things that I liked the most about your sheet because it showed me immediately how passionate and into the character you are. While I've critiqued it, yes, your level of detail shows that you have this character really thought through. I can guess that you've played out his story in your mind many times and I love that. As a GM, I tend to push my players to scale back but that is simply my own preference and nothing more than that.

I can see from this sheet that you really care about this character, and that's half the battle when roleplaying, in my opinion. So many times I've thought of a concept for a character and I create the sheet and it just lacks that... Zest and without the zest the character has no longevity, and I grow bored of playing them. Your sheet is crammed with zest and I love to see it. :)

*Free Hug*

Badass art choice friend, that image definitely already paints an idea in my mind of who this character is!

"The weak of this world perish so that the strong might have a better foundation on which to forge their fate."

That’s a powerful quote, along with the picture I’m already getting a feel for Faelyn. It’s very foreboding and dramatic and my immediate thought was that it reminds me of a great villain of Final Fantasy -- Sephiroth, with the image as well. I love it! These small details always come together for people who view your sheet and you know it.

Age: 220 years old, naught more than a young adult in the eyes of other Ta'vir.
Gender: Male.
Race: Elven. Ta'viri specifically.

Appearance: Standing at around an average-for an elf anyway-height of six feet tall, with pale skin, icy blue eyes, almost withered looking snow white hair, the usual pointy ears, delicate features, a muscular physique, and a face that seems to be stuck in a perpetual scowl, Faelyn cuts quite the imposing figure on his own. 

All of these descriptors are fantastic, and feel true to the character - but just cutting back and then padding out one or two will really elevate your writing to the next level, and add that layer of polish that you’re looking for. When writing an appearance section, I like to take a ‘thing’ and add an action to it;

“Standing at an average height of six feet tall, Faelyn cuts an imposing figure. From his height, he stares down upon those beneath him through his cold and arresting gaze, his blue eyes almost as pale as his skin”

Doing this adds a few things - it adds a character quirk that aligns with his personality, and it builds on his presence. It then becomes so much more powerful. He doesn’t just have icy blue eyes - he has a terrifying stare. I love the description of his withered hair, by the way.

When clad in his full suit of fur lined plate armor, however, his appearance shifts into something outright draconian as he goes from looking like naught more than a grim wraith, to a herald of death itself. As for the armor itself, it is all etched silvers and dark greys, with a crimson black cloak woven into the upper back portion of the suit and a high collar designed to keep the wearers neck at least somewhat protected.

”grim wraith, to a herald of death itself.”

Okay so this is a gorgeous description and I love it - it suggests how quickly he can turn from x to y, which again aligns to his chaotic evil nature and just the term ‘herald of death’ is villainous enough alone. Fantastic stuff!

*Ooooh, a quick and exciting thought -- what if his name is Faelyn the Herald? He could also have a very ominous nickname that he is known by -- a reputation, if you like.

Favored Alignment Major and Minor Focuses: Chaotic Evil. This does not mean he is a psychopath however. He is more than capable of using logic and reason, and will not needlessly backstab those to whom he is aligned unless it becomes imperative to do so.

Favored Class Archetype Major and Minor Focuses: Frontline Combatant/Divine Spellcaster.

Equipment
A full suit of steel plate with fur lining.
One cured leather travel pack containing some medicinal tinctures, whetstones, food, a sealed water skin, and supplies for camping such as a bedroll.
A steel longsword kept in a sheath wrapped around his waist.
An assortment of first aid supplies, stowed in a hardened leather case also strapped to his waist, such as sutures, bandages, thread, needles, and the like in case of injury. One cannot be strong with a failing body after all.

Signature Techniques
Xor'laths Fury: Calling upon the power of the demon within him, Faelyn channels its dark presence into his gauntlets, overlaying them with claws of burning shadow he can use to rip his foes limb from limb. He can only keep these in existence for a short time, however, as they lose integrity with each strike.

Xor'laths Bulwark: Drawing upon the dark powers of Xor'lath once more, he summons forth its essence through sheer force of will and converts it into an umbral dome that radiates outwards one foot in diameter, and blocks incoming projectiles. The shield can be worn down over time, and Faelyn cannot move whilst projecting it, as it requires concentration to maintain. This also means he cannot be distracted while using it either, as one break could cause it to drop.

Wrath of The Ta'viri: Digging deep, Faelyn taps into his inner rage and ambition to win, using his blade to pummel foes with a barrage of uncoordinated strikes. While powerful, this technique is far from accurate and leaves him wide open to counterattack.

Stance Shift: Faelyn readies himself to shift into one of three stances. Aggressive, defensive, or adaptive. The first, aggressive, is self explanatory. The second, defensive, is also easy to comprehend, though he uses his sword to deflect attacks rather than a shield. And the last, adaptive, is more of a 'wait and see' approach where he prepares to shift into either aggressive or defensive depending on the circumstance.

Battle Focus: Faelyn, having spent years surviving in the harsh hellscape that is his homeland, has figured out how to tap into a long forgotten technique once used by his peoples ancient warrior priest caste. By looking within and finding a mental void of sorts, they could effectively detach themselves from their physical forms, becoming apathetic towards their own bodies. This, while a great boon to combat, was extremely damaging towards their overall longevity as it would make it all too easy for them to be taken unawares by their foes, since they could no longer feel the bite of stone, iron, or steel on their skin.

What I appreciate in your skillset here, is the variation and also that you’ve written a weakness to each one. This makes him feel a lot more real and that he’s also vulnerable -- not some all powerful being. I like that his powers and skills are so heavily tied into his emotions as well, that can lead to some really fantastic writing and moments throughout the roleplay.

History: Born in the frozen expanse of Ayqar in the far north, Faelyn learned from an early age that to be weak was to accept death. So he took this lesson to heart and applied it in everything he did, although not in a way anyone from his hometown of Caelora had expected. First, he sought entry into the local guard regiment. It was far from easy, there were many times when the most lax of their conditioning exercises almost killed the young Faelyn, but he managed to make it in. From there he served for at least one century, gradually working his way up the ranks to captain. While most would have thought him content with this position, anyone with a sharp enough eye would have recognized this achievement as nothing more than the first steps of an even grander plan. One that would take him far beyond the confines of his small mountain village. Taking command of his new contingent of men, along with some of the better equipment he now had access to as a regiment captain, he set out to face his greatest challenge yet.

He ventured forth into the wastes to slay the demon Xor'lath.

That was a lot of backstory in one paragraph - it felt almost like you were following a formula to get him from a to b. It feels like his childhood is important, so perhaps expanding on it would give more insight into his psyche. That said, the line on its own about his quest is fantastic. It’s punchy, it immediately grabs my interest, and that’s when it starts to feel like this is his story.

Or that's what he told everyone else anyway. In reality his plan was to find the demon, who had been tormenting the area for the last six hundred years by this point, and let it possess him. The plan was that he would offer it his physical form, as such creatures were driven by an insatiable urge to walk about in mortal flesh, and then capture its will in a mental vise as strong as iron so that he could use its powers to his own ends. So, with this insane plan secretly festering in the back of his mind, the newly minted commander and co set out, beginning a month long trek into the frozen tundra. Several died during this march, from starvation as the rations ran conspicuously low, or hypothermia as many of the supplies with which they set up camp were lost along the way. After a few more weeks, and several deaths later, the considerably smaller group finally arrived at the cave the demon was rumored to haunt, though for what reason or purpose no one knew.

I’m interested in how he learned about demon possession. I think that when we write a character sheet, we get lost in the play by play of events when we could focus more on character and story elements. I am picturing Faelyn hunched over late at night, getting lost in the pages of forbidden tomes as his hunger and urge to be possessed grows stronger. I care more about that, than his unnamed soldiers who died to get there with him. His internal journey is more interesting to me, anyway.

Venturing inside, the group was quickly overcome by the overwhelming scent of burnt something, and darkness that was deeper than the ever present shroud of steel gray clouds that blanketed the land, hiding the suns glorious face from view for most-if not all-year round. Pushing past it, the remnants of Faelyn’s squad moved forward, as he had not come this far only to be deterred by mere smoke and shadow. Plunging in deeper, Faelyns men made a great deal of progress before being stopped, a wall of pure solid darkness blocking their way. Searching, but ultimately unable to find a way around the obstruction, they started to turn back when the barrier came to life. Surging toward them, it pierced their armored forms with seething umbral spires, before rushing up at Faelyn, who was unfazed by the whole ordeal.

Everything was going according to plan, after all.

I am always a fan of one line bangers like this. And the paragraph above it has such a great description of the cave and the atmosphere. This line; he had not come this far only to be deterred by mere smoke and shadow” suggests his arrogance and confidence and great desire for this demon -- which again, I want to know how he obtained that. It’s a great little insight into his psyche and his personality.

As the wave approached, slamming into the tunnels walls as it writhed forward like some kind of seething beast, Faelyn held his arms out wide in a gesture of welcome to the foul evil as he prepared himself for the mental war that was about to ensue. It felt like an eternity before the mass hit him, but when it did, it felt as though he had been enveloped in a raging inferno. As though he had been cast down into the depths of the abyss itself. More terrifying than this, however, was the ominous presence he now felt lingering in his mind. The presence of Xor'lath. What happened next is hard to describe, and even harder for Faelyn himself to remember so great was the struggle, but it ended with him as the victor. Xor'lath had been defeated, his consciousness buried deep within Faelyns own mind, and his powers claimed. Striding forth from the cavernous depths, the inside still smelling strongly of sulfur and burnt stone, Faelyn emerged a new man. Setting out into the frozen wastes once again, Faelyn made his way back to Caelora.

Alone.

But this hardly mattered to him of course. He had gotten what he'd set out to find. No matter the reaction those he called kin had upon his arrival, it would not make his successes thus far any less sweet. When he finally made it back, he found the reactions of those who called the place home mixed. Some whispered he had led those men out there on purpose, perhaps to silence them for witnessing some secret act they were not meant to see, while others maintained his innocence, writing off the whole thing as a series of unfortunate events that had regrettably claimed the lives of several good men. One thing was unanimously recognized by the inhabitants of Caelora, however.

Faelyn had changed. Where once he was determined, dedicated to surviving no matter the cost, now he had become more lax. Overconfident. As though there was nothing in the world that could touch him. A foolish notion to be sure, one almost as moronic as the individuals that had thought it up. Faelyn was well aware of just how many things in this world could kill him, especially if he wasn't careful. No, he wasn't confident, he was acting. Executing yet another part of his intricate plan. For you see, as he had made his way back towards the village he ran into a party of exiles. Elves considered Ta'viri no longer, and thus elves who were no longer worthy of holding the name. Why they had been cast out he didn't bother to learn. Instead he made contact with their leader, and gave him an offer. In exchange for vengeance and spoils, he would help them destroy the village from whence he hailed, showing them the most efficient way of infiltrating its watch and slaughtering its people once night fell. His reasoning, while mercilessly paranoid and brutal, did make some modicum of sense however. If one were an insanely selfish madman that is.

You see Faelyn felt as though he should have no ties to his former life. Not only because those he had called friends and family would no doubt suspect his hand in deciding the fates of the lost guards, but also because he knew future enemies had a weak point to attack in the form of his parents and siblings. Something that he simply could not allow. So once he had secured the exiled leaders agreement, he had the entire warband follow him back to the town, where they then set up camp just behind one of the surrounding ridges. The perfect spot for an ambush as it allowed them easy access to the village below.

And so he committed the ultimate betrayal.

I think that you’ve got some really great writing in here. Some lines that I liked;

Faelyn held his arms out wide in a gesture of welcome to the foul evil as he prepared himself for the mental war that was about to ensue - it says a lot about his personality. I love the image of him holding his arms out. 

Striding forth from the cavernous depths, the inside still smelling strongly of sulfur and burnt stone, Faelyn emerged a new man. Setting out into the frozen wastes once again, Faelyn made his way back to Caelora.

Alone.

You’ve got the punchy lines down really well and this is very powerful - especially the description of Faelyn striding forth. It really displays his arrogance.

Once he had settled back in, he waited till midnight, and gave the signal for the exiled warband to attack. And so they did. Riding down, torches ablaze and weapons drawn, they charged down into the village in droves, slaughtering everyone they came across. Putting homes and other structures to the flame, and causing havoc in general. The local guard tried to fight back of course, but during one of his speeches Faelyn had held a vigil of sorts for the fallen, in which he had given his men a certain type of ceremonial bread that was laced with a potent-yet delayed-toxin that would induce seizures in the muscles approximately one hour after ingestion. This, combined with the suddenness of the assault itself, made any defense they could have mounted useless, and the guards quickly found themselves overrun and killed. When all was said and done, Faelyn and the exiles were the only ones left standing in the razed remnants of Caelora. Their business concluded, each party went their separate ways. The exiles back into the frozen wastes, and Faelyn to the south. To the great cities. Places he hoped would offer shelter from the wrath of the Ta'viri elders, for a time anyway.

A lot happens in this paragraph - I’d suggest cutting out some points and emphasising others for a stronger image of what happened. I can see that you know this character very well, and you know his story very well and not only that, you’re passionate about telling it. Sometimes less is more - and editing down on actual events and replacing with more emotional insight can be more powerful and telling.

Unfortunately for him, Faelyn would find himself unable to complete that journey. About two days into it he saw the lands around him warp and twist, as though one of the gods was having a bit of fun throwing their power around, before settling into a stable state once more. But when they did, he was not on the road heading south, but in another place entirely.

A dark, foreboding, land...

The land of Barovia.

Miscellaneous: The hostile northern conditions Ayqar, the land in which the Ta'viri live, has forced them to become an extremely tight-knit and communal society, something most clearly reflected in the way they name themselves and their offspring. Rather than giving them a familial surname that is passed down from generation to generation, changing slightly with each coupling, Ta'viri children are named after the clan itself. So an elf from their tribe by the name of Nuovis, would have the surname Ta'vir regardless of bloodline. This obviously causes a great deal of confusion amongst those not knowledgeable of their customs, and has led to them becoming the butt of many a joke, especially when two individuals of similar naming are involved.

Although they often fall to violence or exposure more often than old age, Ta'viri are capable of living upwards of a thousand years at least.

During combat, as he becomes more and more exhausted, Faelyn will find it harder to keep Xor'lath under control. This is the main reason he prefers to end fights sooner rather than later, and why he cannot wield the demons powers for longer periods of time.

Although the acts he has committed would see him labelled an exile and stripped of the right to call himself Ta'vir by the elders of the clan, Faelyn still chooses to use the surname. In his mind he did nothing wrong save for tying up a potential loose end-or that's what he's convinced himself of anyway-so why should the name be taken? It was not his fault, after all, that his family and friends had been too weak and trusting to take the prerogative and check into his story. To make sure the man they saw return was still the same one they saw leave.

Ah. Perhaps my point earlier about a nickname has been explained here. I do still think that a name that he was given after he was exiled would be very weighty, actually. A name he refuses to use but follows around in his shadow regardless - a constant reminder of his past deeds.

In the misc section, I like to write quirks and hobbies etc. They really just add touches of flavour to the character. What kind of food does he have a preference for? Does he have pets? Has he kept the same horse for a long time? What habits of others annoy him? What bad habits does he have? Does he bite his nails etc It might be quite a funny and humanising touch to make him deliberately terrible at telling jokes or maybe he gets very shy if he finds someone attractive. Things like that really add layers and can be something to circle back to when interacting with other characters especially.
@ZAVAZggg

*Notes within sheet

I really like this character, and I really like your sheet. I can tell from reading it how much care and love you’ve put into this -- the character feels very exciting and thought out. He has a pivotal life moment in his story, and there’s a lot of really beautiful descriptive writing in there - so well done for that.

One thing I would say to you as a suggestion, is when you write his personality, to give him something positive. Give him some quirks that are perhaps endearing. This will make him more well-rounded as currently he’s very very dark and ominous as a character. He has to have things about him that will make him important to a party of characters who may be very good and very light. 

He should be able to fit in and be able to interact with them. Perhaps he is acting incredibly kind -- look at a character like Marvel’s Loki. Maybe giving Faelyn a reason for having initially wanting to be possessed also makes him more dynamic. Could there have been someone in his life that he loved - a parent, or sibling etc (I see that he does wish for them to be protected - I think this should be a bigger part of his reasoning, imo) and thus his desire for possession was to protect them? What was his motivation for it - was it simply for power? Why did he want that power? Is it revenge? Safety? Or just to watch the world burn? Sometimes the latter can become very campy and tropey, so be careful!

Anyway, again, this is a wonderful job on your sheet so far! You’ve said yourself that it isn’t finished so I’d love to see the finished one, and I hope you keep me updated with the escapades of Faelyn on his adventures as I’m already invested in his story!

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