Knockity-Knock
@jumpadraw

I like your story. It kept me reading, building tension-I wanted to know who/what was beyond the door. I feel like your story could have done with some characterization. I also felt like the great symbol in the story-the door should have been given some more attention. What did it look like? Maybe symbols were carved into it? You mention the narrator is the one who built the door, if he was given character that might have been reflected in the construction of the door. I think some more metaphors for the heart could have built into the setting and the door. All in all I found the story enjoyable.

Schrödinger
[@shylara]

Immediately reminded of this: Duck Amuck

Cool setup. Interesting idea. You need to start a new paragraph when someone new starts to speak. For example:

“Let’s start small. Your favorite color, perhaps? What do you like to eat?” I attempt a different tack, thinking to take my foe off-guard, but they just give me a knowing smile. I can tell, even though I can’t actually visualize the details of the expression. “Ah-ah-ah, that’s not going to work.” Then they turn sly. “Well, maybe I can give you /one/ answer. I like to eat food.”

Should be:

“Let’s start small. Your favorite color, perhaps? What do you like to eat?” I attempt a different tack, thinking to take my foe off-guard, but they just give me a knowing smile. I can tell, even though I can’t actually visualize the details of the expression.

“Ah-ah-ah, that’s not going to work.” Then they turn sly. “Well, maybe I can give you /one/ answer. I like to eat food.”

I kind of got lost in the middle parts because of this, and sometimes things weren't made clear as to what exactly was happening or who was doing what. I really think with like one more revision this could be a fantastic piece. The ending didn't quite land for me as well-essentially your premise for the story is this paragraph (all the way at the end):

I remove my fingers from the keys, and look at what I have. So much time devoted to this, and so little to show for it! I snarl in frustration. How could I, the author and ruler of the world of the page, be so completely stymied in my efforts of creation? I control each aspect, each detail, and yet this incomplete character thwarts my every effort. “Why won’t you cooperate?!” I demand of my unfinished creation, wanting at least one straight answer for my trouble.

Which is an awesome idea in and off itself. But I wanted to know why your narrators character was uncooperative, why the character would only work on his terms. Not necessarily a criticism, just an idea. I think you should work on this a bit more-polish it up! Really enjoyable read and interesting idea.

The Internal Debate
@WiseDragonGirl

Interesting internal? struggle between a writer and a character in her story. I like this story because it made me ask questions about who the writer might be, kept me reading. Some more chapters could be written revealing that the writer (of Mitch) has a lot in common with Mitch. Maybe her father is rich and maybe she took tennis/violin lessons. I think a piece of every writer is in their characters. Very well executed idea grasping the parameters of the contest, and I like the bold text format of Mitchs dialogue.

Untitled
@PlatinumSkink
Whoah. Wow. That was like watching a disneyworld ride wearing muppet-glasses inside a film loosely based on a Hunter S. Thompson exploit. Thoroughly scarred. Thank you!

I love the ending-glad all of this was going somewhere. I think you could maybe cut out some parts that aren't necessary and format the dialogue a little better to make it clear who is saying what. Maybe put the narrators voice in italics or vice-versa. All in all enjoyable and a fitting end.

Puah Tu Tahi
@mdk

Beautiful setting description-the coral reef, the tone all came to life for me as I read. Also a decent primer in nautical terminology-you clearly have a strong grasp of your subject matter, something I've always been lax about in my own writing. Well done.

My only complaint is that the only character given a name is the dead captain, Abraham. It's awkward to read what the 'pale man' is doing throughout the story. Not a major fault but noticeable. I think one of the natives actually calls him by name in the story. Maybe have that happen earlier on and give yourself another name to call your main character by?

Overall this story is really great-The pacific islander mythology is really spooky in this story. I got chills with the last line, the last log entry of Abrahan. The last fleeting moment for the captain and crew before oblivion. Great story.

@jumpadraw

The good: I really like your theme. I'm reading this whole encounter as -- on some level -- a metaphor/symbol/whathaveyou concerning a person (you) changing, hardening, getting 'colder.' The physical events that happen are interesting, too -- it's not like you HAVE to be on a meta-level to appreciate this story or anything. It's a neat little bow.

The work-on-its: Your style is a bit under-developed. I DIDN'T SAY BAD! There's things like out-of-place repetition ("There was no possible way...."/"It's impossible...."/"Without a doubt, nobody could have...."), and parts where you sort of circle back on the reader ("I couldn't! I shouldn't! .... Should I?"). None of these things are inherently wrong! My two cents is, when it comes to your writing voice, it's less about "what you're doing," and more about "what you're doing WITH what you're doing." Does that make any sense? No..... okay. So for example you talk a lot about the cold. You're building the storm outside, and when the door comes open and it's even worse than we thought, that has a great effect. Those many paragraphs achieved something in the reader (in me anyway). Versus, the chatty ice-lady -- who's supremely creepy, but talks a lot -- who when she speaks, it's like yeah, okay, that's chilling and all but what are we really taking away from her conversation? If she hadn't said X, would the impact have been any different? NOTE -- that doesn't necessarily mean "Go back and delete all her lines." It might mean, add a few more to give those lines impact! It might mean nothing. I might be stupid.

With regard to the challenge I think you totally nailed it, far better than I did. With regards to the writing, are there 'things to work on,' sure, but spoiler alert there always are and there always will be so don't lose any warm feelings. ARE YOU GETTING THIS WORDPLAY?? ARE YOU???? Nice job, keep it up.

@shylarah

The good: I know exactly as much about Schroedinger as you do. Precisely the right amount of character development, I think. Also there was a surprising amount of natural plot development in an entirely-imaginary (but all too familiar) encounter. The frank inclusion of tricks like 'plot ninjas' was a nice touch, and the whole thing felt really authentic.

The work-on-its: There is a character I want to know more about, story-telling-wise, and hint, it's not Schroedinger. Give up? Background soldier three! Just kidding. You! You're a huge part of this story, and outside of trying to outsmart your uncooperative character you don't really talk much about yourself. What are your motivations? Are you hungry right now? When's your deadline? In this particular story, personifying yourself more could've drawn a really dynamic contrast between you and Schroedinger.

Challenge-wise it's an obvious hit, and writing-wise it left very little to be desired. I don't mind the line-break-liberties, heck I read McCarthy, but I think @Polybius is right that some of those conversational paragraphs were a tad bit confusing and I'm not sure that anything was gained by writing them so. A minor point I think. Great job.

@Polybius

The good: You've got an excellent narrative voice (I'm particularly fond of 'Richard lied about Claire, but not about the mountain. It was beautiful. Even up close.') The descriptive detail came naturally and in a really good quantity, and Nathan felt like a really solid character. Pacing was great. The vast majority of this was great.

The work-on-its: The object from the market -- henceforth referred to as 'the plot device' -- confuses me. I tried to 'Consider not what it is, but rather what purpose it might serve,' but that didn't get me very far -- and based on the level of writing throughout the story I'm confident that it DOES serve an important purpose, it's just difficult for me to figure out what that is without reaching for straws. Maybe that's the point! I couldn't say, and I sorta feel like I should be able to. Second -- besides Nathan and I suppose the salesman to an extent, I don't really have a strong sense of the characters. Richard is a Dick -- I got that much! But I guess I want more from them.

Challenge-wise I'm pretty sure you hit it, I think, but it's hard to be confident without fully understanding the titular Object. Best guess, Nathan has a 'fate,' and he wants to fight it, but comes to realize that Dicks have 'fate' too, and every damn person in Mexico and the world has a 'fate,' and there's nothing he can do about that. I think. Writing was top-notch. Excellent.

@wisedragongirl

The good: tee hee now I know your writing process! I WILL CONSUME IT AND GROW IN POWER!! Ahem. It's sort of a plus-minus thing, so don't be surprised when this comment turns up in the work-on-its, but there were some really good points in your debate with Mitch where his personality was sort of proving his point in a meta-way. Like it would've been one thing for him to tell you 'I've got a superiority complex' and be done with it, but when he argues it with you in such a way that he clearly has a superiority complex, that's a whole other level of cool. That said....

The work-on-its: the pacing is sort of ruined by the readily-apparent nature of Mitch's defining trait. This is a tricky case! As a writer, I understand, this is a herculean struggle to come to terms with your creation, but as a reader it's just too bloody obvious. Because you did your job too well. He's too human and we're not struggling with him the way you are -- I end up wondering what's your hangup, how are you not seeing what's right there, what are you fighting him on this for? And I can't stay attached for the whole story because, from my perspective of reading it, the whole argument was settled by like Mitch's second line. I don't want to characterize this as a flaw on your end, just.... I dunno, the topic itself is sort of undermining you. And I don't know of any decent way to combat that, at all, I ran away and wrote about something else!

Challenge-wise: easy win, says this non-voter. Writing-wise if there's a problem it's that your characterization was too strong and if that's not a good problem to have I'll eat a cat.

@platinumskink

The good: My signature single-quotation-mark dialogue is gaining ground! This is one of those madly-specific entries which is so tailored to the contest that it fits very nicely here. More generally, you did a nice, consistent thing with paragraphs that had a predictable flow to them and drove the story, one of those 'form contributing to the total piece' things you seem to do pretty often lately. I know that specifically this version won't necessarily be much use in future efforts -- but the fact that you keep coming up with ways to organize your stories cleverly is remarkable. I am remarking.

The work-on-its: It's hard to criticize the entry when it's designed this much for the contest at hand. I mean I can't fault you for messing up punctuation when your character kept interrupting, right? If the plot didn't make sense.... well that was the point, wasn't it? So I guess in your case, the 'thing to work on' is like..... I dunno, I wanna see something broader, something more conventional. Or just keep having fun. My objective when I'm doing these reviews is to help people improve -- but having fun is more important probably. Still if the generic 'writing improvement' thing is a goal, it would help to do more..... generic..... writing...... god that hurts to even type. Whatever.

Challenge-wise, despite your best purported efforts I think your character made you clear it, so good to go?

[@cruallasar]

The good: Nice interplay between the real world and the VR; generally strong characters, and a plot that builds up nicely to a satisfying conclusion. There's not much to talk about with regard to style, but I generally like it -- especially your breaks from narrative to leave those little poetic italics, which are a great touch.

The work-on-its: Periodically, not all the time but here and there, we slip back and forth from past-tense to present. Minor. Major, the action sequences -- while creative and cinematic and cool -- don't feel punchy enough. I say 'major' not because it's really bothering me, but because that's a long-term thing to fix with no simple solution. I can say things like "were intercepted by a shield" is never okay, never ever say was or were in a fight! But that's only pretending to help and it'd be a dumb rule anyway.... Hmm. It's just weird that literally pulling a plasma rifle out of thin air and spraying bullets all over a shattered castle could ever feel.... not "dull," but.... I guess maybe it doesn't really feel like the action has consequence in this world? Maybe that's it. It's flashy and cool but what's it all for? THIS SOUNDS HARSHER THAN I MEAN IT. Let's not overlook how interesting this all was -- I didn't want to stop reading, though if I'm honest that's more on account of blue-shirt guy and lab-coat girl than your main characters. I guess if I can leave you with one burning thought in your mind, I want it to be "WHAT IS THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THIS ACTION?" If you disagree with everything I've said but that thought is banging around in your head going forwards I'll be a happy bro.

Challenge-wise, it sure seems like it should be a win. I know technically Cruallassar the character isn't literally killed, but then he wasn't literally fighting either -- this non-voter says thumbs-up. Writing was GREAT, no matter what all I just said -- I had a hard time turning away at all. And it was nice to see Delnier again. Straight-up, great job.

@holmishire

Long one and you're good at this, so you get the while-reading-through complainy notes! Yay!

prelude

Some odd word choices I'm not overly fond of.... cold from the floor 'tickling' her feet, marble 'cleaved' into a sphere shape, 'snot' in the middle of an otherwise-polite tone. Otherwise great -- not sure if the dramatic move at the end, where Celine becomes the new gatekeeper, was developed fully enough for my satisfaction. The whole thing just sorta happened and was over in an instant -- you had story to get to, makes sense, just noticing it's a little rushed here.

I

'Tentative fingers' instead of 'slid her fingers tentatively' feels ever so slightly awkward, but this isn't a real complaint. Solid through-and-through. Excellent building of tension and I'm happy to see these two again!

II

Again the killing of Euryale just sort of happens in an instant, no fanfare.... could be on purpose, I'm still fully engaged and loving it, just saying. Also the phrase 'you MESS with things you do not understand' sounds odd from ancient greeks, but 'meddle' would be pretty cliche, so *shrug*

III

'They had chased them to this world' doesn't work, but I get what happened in just another second. Same for 'the second was not so unfortunate' -- there's just gotta be a better way to put that, maybe keeping the focus on Eira instead of the grafter?

IV

"What she did now, however, that...." needs plus a 'was' or minus a 'what.' Then -- THIS happy ending was satisfying! Could've maybe been more so, with a little more time spent on inside Helene's surely-exploding mind, but it's a pretty solid ending anyway.

The good: supremely well-crafted story, which I guess I ought to expect when YOU of all people combine literal months of effort into one twisting epic. The characters you've fleshed out so well in the past were reborn faithfully and employed cleverly. Celine's journey was compelling.

The work-on-its: New character development was somewhat lacking. I say SOMEWHAT because I was right there with Celine the whole way and loved every minute of it; I say 'lacking' because she didn't take me all that far I guess, and the rest of the cast (specifically as they appeared in this story) did less. Mind you -- your months of other labors were not wasted, and the recurring cast members absolutely carried the hell out of the story. With flying freakin' colors. This was more their story than Celine's, I think, and that's okay -- merely pointing out a thing is all. If you read the following-along-squawkings, you know I poked at some words. They really didn't take much if anything away from the story, but I'll poke them anyway. The one that I think matters more -- something you're really good at, actually -- is that the endings to each little sub-section of the adventure didn't have much weight. I've read your stuff. Your stuff resonates. This.... didn't? Usually. As a whole, as a single larger unit, it essentially lives up to your awesome status-quo, it's just that each turning-of-the-page feels less significant than your typical work. Like if youre still writing a great sentence but the punctuation in the middles off somehow. Pretty much exactly like that.

AND ONE BONUS THING -- I'm still not clear on what The Ghost was after, or what things Celine is messing with that she doesn't understand, but I'm not complaining because now that I've read this, I get the sense I'll find out more in the future, and I want that.

CHALLENGE-WISE, this one (like mine I suppose) seems more interested in the storytelling than the labor parameters. I think that 'the Ghost' is you/thenarrator/thecreator, and despite its best efforts Celine won her vengeance and the Ghost suffered a total failure. As a pure-writing effort, especially when taking into account the incorporated canon, this is one of the best so far. Bloody brilliant.