We are aware now. Thanks for letting us know. We'll get to the review ASAP, but this RP does have a lot of sheets to review, so you will have to be patient.
We have a few reviews almost ready to go for a few CSes. Expect them soon.
These are for @Rtron and @Heat firstly, but others can also use them to get extra ideas of what we look for in sheets.
We really like the image you picked for her. Its practically got no setting flaws and it isn’t one of those raging monsters. The fact that the lightsaber isn’t lit also makes it unique.
About her history… Right now, it feels like there’s no dark moments to her time at the academy. Considering her relatively weak physical build and short stature, logic dictates that she would not have excelled at everything physical. There would’ve been other acolytes who were considerably stronger than her physically. No doubt, some of them used that against her. Probably beat on her. Maybe even with the blessing of some overseers. How did such affect her. How long did it take her to learn how to most effectively fight back against such?
Did any of the overseers favor her (say, because of her raw potential)? Did this affect other acolytes in any way?
We’d really enjoy seeing not only the successful moments in her background but some of the less successful ones too. Failure is perhaps one of the best motivators for sith. (provided they survive their failure, mind you). Delving a bit on that will help make vivithe into the truly deep creature we know she is. Provide her some real challenges, then show her overcoming them.
We really hope you have a plan to explain the choice of a star wars version of “arrow to the knee”. It takes a lot to overcome the reflexes of a trained Force user. Where a regular soldier could easily take a blaster bolt to the knee, it takes a lot more for a Sith to do that. If anything, it’d be more likely if it was something that could not easily be dodged.
If you keep this injury, we would like to see how it affects her later in the sheet. A perfectionist like Vivithe won’t like having reminders of such, wethinks. -- After her first master died in battle. Whom did she end up serving instead? Her master’s master? One of her master’s senior apprentices? Some other Sith? Who made the decision to transfer her to that specific sphere?
For the battle of Ziost, she put into play some revolutionary tactic or move which led to victory. What sort of trick was it? How was that something no one else though of?
You also have some grammar/spelling issues in the sheet. For example: Seeked ← to seek is a strong verb. Past tense of it is sought. Another place you mention “took upon an apprentice”. The grammar here is funny too. The idea gets across, but it could be phrased better. There are other spots too, but we’d rather not list up all such things, as that might come across as overly picky.
Other than the points above, the sheet shows the great potential we know you’re capable of providing. That is why we enjoy having players like you in here. You’re good enough to provide something worthwhile. How you handled Jakali’s death also helped.
Like with Vivithe, there are a number of places where grammar is a bit off. We won’t point out everything, but a lot of it should appear to you after a round of proofreading or as you rework sections. We’ve had more than our own share of such ourselves through the various iterations of characters like Lea Rahn. (she’s probably been rewritten at least eight times over the years, sometimes from the bottom up). One thing that frequently pops up is multiple sentences being connected with commas when they would work better as independent sentences.
The sole spelling error we’ll point out is related to a word mostly (if not only) used in star wars: you wrote “psychomentry” where it should be “Psychometry”
You have it listed that he was trained in crucitorn. Why was he trained in this? What led to this training? Personal interest? Or convenience for when he will later be tortured? For prisoners, this skill is one of the most useful ones, as it removes much of the threat of physical torture. That is why we wish to see you provide a good reason for having that skill. Also, how well-trained is he in using it? Has his training been primarily academic, or has he truly needed it?
There was some sort of agreement that led to him joining the Jedi Order rather than becoming a Kiffu Guardian. What sort of agreement was this? How did he feel about it?
You mention he is trained in Jar’kai, but do not really cover his lightsaber forms. Jar’kai isn’t a lightsaber form onto itself. Rather, it is a series of modifications and moves used to modify the standard forms to utilize multiple blades. Primary training will still be in one (or more) of the seven forms, but with the Jar’Kai adaptations brought in much of the time. Multiple blades will not be used for all his training, though. That would leave him too weakened in combat if something were to leave him with only one saber.
Daven started out as a slave. Later he was skilled both as a pilot and a fighter. We presume these were not skills taught while enslaved. What skills were he taught in that time?
Did he learn to read while enslaved? Who taught him to pilot? Does he know up and down on a tree? If he’s alone in the Jungle, does he have what it takes to navigate through it and find the food/water he needs? Can he track anyone while there? Remember, skills are not only about combat, politics and torture.
In addition, Jewel would’ve tried to teach him useful things like basic slicing.
--
What sort of a trader was his owner? At first he’s farmer, then all of a sudden, he’s selling stuff on a space station? Why? How? This section feels disjointed, as if you had a lot of good ideas and didn’t quite think through how they would best be tied together. Maybe you should try to plot out an order of events and make sure they fit together well? This could become a good background with that little bit of extra work.
This sith somehow managed to detect his force-sensitivity. How? It takes observable examples for anyone to spot such. Perhaps especially so in a slave, as slaves are more often than not beneath notice for an arrogant Sith. Work out some ideas on how this came to pass.
Its an interesting idea for him to not know anything about the war or the factions out in the galaxy. But how did this come to pass? Unless forcibly muted, slaves will talk with each other. They will share knowledge. While some may not have access to any information, others will have access to it. Those latter ones will generally share with others simply because they can. This is especially true when the slaves are of a different species than their masters, because then they need families simply to procreate. -- At present his quiet obedient nature feels somewhat at odds with his defiant streak. While he may not be particularly accomplished with politics, The Academy does teach this aspect. It is required to at least understand it on a basic level to graduate. Some demonstration of how he did with this segment of training and perhaps how he suffered at the hands of other Sith would goa long way towards fleshing out and grounding his weakness in the political arena. It may also make him seem like less of a minion and more like a sith with a weakness.
Jewel will encourage him to become competent enough in the political arena to at least defend himself. She will not defend him from any political backlash from other Sith, including her other apprentices. She may even arrange scenarios behind the scenes that cause him to suffer in a meaningful way due to political backlash. She wants apprentices she doesn’t have to babysit.
Chev aren’t that hard to distinguish. Keeping his species concealed would require constant illusions. Sith Overseers would constantly pry at any non-humans to build up their hatred, to make them stronger. Managing to keep species secret is not plausible. The very idea of hiding it is implausible. If you want to play on the species beyond mockery, maybe make him hate himself for being what he is?
Regarding a plan to free his people, is it still a plan to free them? Or is it a plan for revenge against the Chevin? Jewel teaches that Vengeance is important and a powerful motivator. She would also delve into his history and ask him who his enemies are. Once she knew of his history she would highly encourage a desire to take revenge on the Chevin.
Freeing his people though, is quite a light sided idea. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is a dangerous thought process to have in the Empire, unless he can couch it in practical terms.
— A lot of his bio feels like you’ve not put enough life into it. His personality doesn’t shine out through the bio. He probably has a lot of hate. But what does he hate? The Chevin? The Republic? The Sith? Himself? Something/someone else? The bio is a personal account after all, not a dry old history book. Mixing his personality into it will change it from the latter to the former. If there’s something Daven really doesn’t want to speak of, then have him not speak of it. Put in some descriptive denials. There’s nothing wrong with including such.
—
His potential in the Force is a bit vague still… Potential doesn’t really mean what he’s trained in. Some are more capable than others, both before and after training. Which areas of using the Force is his best? Which ones tends to be fields he avoids if he can? If other sith encounter him, what is their natural reaction to his talent for using the Force? Shock? Awe? Respect? Mockery? Is this potential visible to all, or is it more of a secret that people have to work to observe?
—
Being trained as a Sith has no doubt affected him. How did it affect him? As you probably know, Slavery is an integral part of Sith Society. How does this fact make him feel? Even his master, Jewel, uses slaves. How does that affect him? As a Sith, he too has access to slaves. What has he done with this access?
How does his flaws tie into the rest of him? Why is he an opportunist? How is that a flaw for him? How is his caution a flaw? Which Force powers are his greatest flaws?
We have a few questions for this sheet. First, how did Sish avoid being press-ganged into joining the Jedi order? Remember, the Jedi of this era aren’t all that boring, holier-than-thou type. They did have the nasty habit of not easily taking no for an answer - especially so if the candidate had lots of raw potential (as anyone eventually rising to Sith Lord would’ve had)
Did he constantly stay on the fringes of the republic? Or did he somehow manage to avoid being noticed in the middle of the republic? If the latter, we do hope you can provide good explanations. (whereas, the fringes might end up with being able to avoid most jedi) -- One thing we do need to know is exactly when he was captured by that Sith. Exactly when he was introduced to the existence of the Empire. The republic didn’t know about the existence of the Sith empire before the outbreak of the war in 3681.
If he was not trained as a Jedi but in the outer rim, his raw potential may have attracted attention of one (or more) of the Sith undercover in the republic. That could explain his being taken to the empire before the outbreak of the war. -- When it comes to lightsaber training, it takes time to master forms, and the later someone starts, the more time it generally takes. For that reason, his dual-form master would benefit from having been taken to the empire before the outbreak of the war, as that would not only make the learning process quicker, but allow him more time to study the other five forms and every other skill required to become a Sith. -- Your bio speaks of being on a ship on the way to korriban with Jayda to continue her training there. Ship travel in aftermath III has only two destinations: Coruscant (for the sacking) and Feena (for everything after that). We assume this is a minor mistake from your end that you’ll quickly fix. -- You speak of him being involved in a mission with republic soldiers investigating something Sithy. When exactly was this, and why is he teamed up with them? Was he part of the republic military? Was he a civilian contractor (i.e. mercenary, tracker)?
Did he never have any other apprentices? Maybe one or two who died for their foolishness? Maybe one or two of his masters former apprentices? Are any of them still alive? If they’re not, what led to their deaths? If they’re alive, what are they currently tasked with? This would help define his power base, something anyone laying claim to the rank of Sith Lord needs to have.
Elsewhere throughout the sheet there are also a few minor spelling errors that we would recommend looking for and fixing, but it's not a glaring mess of bad grammar and spelling. It’ll simply help polish the sheet up.
The current appearance is very lacking in detail. It would be pleasing if you could amend that by providing more detail. You mention three primary factors for appearance: Padawan robes. Injuries. Height. Rings. Ok, four things.
We would appreciate it if you could flesh out all of those some more. Don’t be afraid to take your time. It’ll take a while for the other sheets to be approved in any case, so time is available.
Question: Why would the Jedi not have removed those rings in the time with them? Separating younglings from their past is a key component of the initiation into the order. Those rings are a very clear symbol of her past.
How much does she weigh? Is she physically strong for her size? Any funny birthmarks or scars or such? What color are her eyes? Her hair?
~| |~ Her mistakes leading to capture. We’re really curious about this… could you say anything more about it? About why she would do that? What made her choose to help others rather than merely herself?
~| |~ While you may not know any abilities consciously, you must’ve noticed things occasionally going your way when they shouldn’t of, people you’re annoyed with tripping over nothing from time to time. That is a use of the Force. A Force-sensitive individual will unknowingly use the force throughout her life. Quicker reactions than others, leaps of faith, greater luck, that sort of stuff. Not all uses of the force are as blatant as telekinesis.
~| Skills |~ Slicing locks Picking pockets Sleight of hand Slicing basic droids Constructing false roles and acting them out Using environment = acrobatics? Knows a lot of languages
How did she learn these skills? How good is she at each? Are there any particularly notable feats she has achieved with such? Are there any notable limits? Are there any skills she really, really sucks at? (other than the ones she’s not been taught)
~| Bio |~ Once you rework the other sections, you could consider looking into changing things in here to reflect those changes and any other changes relevant to aftermath III.
~| enduring captivity |~ Its always nice with detail and various ideas.
~| holding up under pressure |~ Could you provide a few extra examples?
~| lightsabers |~ Would you please answer the question? It doesn’t ask about what your lightsaber was like. It asks about any forms of lightsaber combat you’ve been trained in, and at what levels such training was. Even if it is the simplest basics, it is still training. A few days training can be used to identify aptitude and learn the basics of countering a form.
~| relations with prisoners/sith |~ How well does she know those she knows? Any thoughts about how she might relate to those she’s not yet met? Existing prejudices about the Sith perhaps? They are reasonably well known on Nar Shaddaa.
~| Force potential |~ Her training is covered earlier. This question is more about aptitude. If given sufficient training, how far can she go? Which fields will she be best in, which ones are better avoided? Is there any skills you think she’d really benefit from studying later?
~| ST/R |~ No comments necessary.
~| Flaws |~ We expect flaws to be detailed. Your current flaws are barely mentioned. You should be familiar with our fondness for flaws, so you should know better than to provide a single sentence for this section.
~| Torture |~ What sort of torture would affect her most? Emotional? Physical? Mental? How much would it take to truly break her?
~| personality/motivation |~ Is this the full extent of who she is? Could you please expand this a bit? Tie her flaws into it. Tie skills. The personality and motivation is affected by everything else, even as everything else is affected by those two.
~| Limits |~ Fair enough.
~| Escape |~ What will she do if someone frees her after the experiments begin?
~| capture |~ What will she do to impress the Sith sufficiently to both be allowed to live and to not simply be sent to Korriban with the younglings, initiates and youngest padawans?
A few minor spelling/grammar errors. Not many or enough to be a real issue. Just mentioned for reasons of polishing sheet. We like flaws, though they do not all need to be directly problematic for his IC operations. With the necessary tie-ins, we think terrible cook is just as fitting a flaw as naïve, despite the latter being far greater risk in a setting like this than the former.
A few extra skills wouldn’t hurt. They do not at all need to be relevant to the rescue mission. Anything from Whittling toys for younglings to cooking to being good at navigating spaceports or knowledge of imperial architecture could fit. Mind you, those are just random examples, not specific suggestions.
We realise now that it was a super unclear question, but this one Something got you to join this mission. What was it? What events shaped your life? Is meant to be asking for a more full bio, not just immediate motivation for the current mission. Our apologies for the lack of clarity there.
The gold bands on the description: What exactly are they made from? I don’t know of any material that could protect against sort of blade or blaster attack and not be armor.
As it currently stands, I do not believe he would qualify for the specialisation of Jedi Healer. It is not only about skill with Force Heal, but also requires a fairly significant amount of traditional medical knowledge, as well as experience in the field.
In order to already have the specialisation at this age, he would have had to study and make use of the traditional skills throughout his time as a padawan. While his first master could probably have started teaching him, he would’ve had to maintain his study of it independently while working under his second master - this is definitely possible, but if he did this I’d like to see note of it in his bio.
In addition, there is no ‘Healer’s Academy’ per se. A Jedi looking to further his knowledge in the area has a few options available. One would be to continue independent study in their downtime just as they could as a padawan. Another would be to get special dispensation to have fewer missions while they spent time based in the H’ratth Praxeum. Finally, they could get special dispensation from the Council to attend a regular Medical College somewhere in the galaxy and gain official qualifications.
With sufficient qualifications it's possible the Council would grant the title without much live experience, but it would be a more guaranteed title if he also then spent a year in the field, focused on solving medical problems. The most obvious place to gain experience is on the battlefield, but Jedi with medical knowledge are quite useful in solving other problems in the galaxy too - he may have received occasional missions to help contain and cure an outbreak, or perhaps solve a medical issue for someone important to the Republic somewhere. The Council does take note of a Jedi’s skills and tendencies and assign them appropriate missions even before they are given a specific specialisation title.
I got the idea from warriors of the dark ages, where they would wear rings over their armor to avoid their fingers getting chopped off in battle. I'll keep looking, but if I can't find anything, I'll settle on it as being a cultural thing.
I changed it so the bands on his tresses are sentimental and symbolic. They might protect his tentacles but its not likely. I also changed the bio so Varlo studied heavily in medicine while with Rik and traveled the galaxy learning from multiple institutions and experts of medicine for two years after he was knighted before he earned his specialization.
@The Dow Dragon I actually had an idea (While in the shower no less) perhaps his master (More likely his first) wore some kind of Gold Bands, and then this is his way of honouring them?
@Sep I don't how she would, considering she had big, blue, bald head. Maybe on her arms? I think its just his own way of accepting his responsibilities as Jedi Knight.
Aside from the one small error below from your character bio, @SushiJaguar, everything in your sheet is good to go:
The Lord could not keep his focus with both of his hands missing, and the Apprentice was long-fled by the time Rinko-Rinko cunningly employed a Trakáta strike to remove the Sith's remaining hand.
This seems to imply that the sith lord was three-handed or that time was knotted up. But as its such a minor thing and easily fixed, it is not worthy of a full new review process. If you fix that, your sheet is approved.
Therefore, both of your sheets are to be considered approved and can be posted in hiders in the CS tab.
Note that you can change things on your sheet in the future too, so long as they’re not locked by anything in the IC. However, we would appreciate being notified of such changes, unless they’re obvious (like a character being… disarmed… by a wookiee in the IC)
In general, both of your sheets were very nice creations even before the first reviews, and they have only improved.
Yeah, sorry about that. It was a little jumbled, but I was rushing a little bit too much. I'll edit that a little and then post it up in the characters tab. Thanks very much for the compliment, too.
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