Hidden 7 yrs ago 7 yrs ago Post by Gardevoiran
Raw
Avatar of Gardevoiran

Gardevoiran The Forbidden One

Member Seen 7 mos ago



I mulled again. I return with Apia first, then other characters depending on how well the next battle goes.

Review plox. I'll have the hider for Apia's special bees up later for review.
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by TheWendil
Raw
GM
Avatar of TheWendil

TheWendil The Wendil-Sama™ / ಠ_ಠ

Member Seen 0-24 hrs ago

@Gardevoiran

If she's going to develop the power of portals, you should put that in the Powers Section. Other than that, she's fine by me.
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by KoL
Raw
coGM
Avatar of KoL

KoL Knight of Lorelei

Member Seen 2 days ago

@Gardevoiran

You are wrong on one account in that CS. Blood Magic is more effective than ever on Apia noite that she became a vampire. After all, that's a Primordial exclusive ability made to destroy lesser vampires and humans.

In essence, Apia is a walking blob of blood of blood now. Anyone that can clap a finger and set blood on unquenchable fire, or turn it into assassin rose bushes, has a natural edge over her.
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by thewizardguy
Raw
Avatar of thewizardguy

thewizardguy Dumbgeon Master

Member Seen 2 yrs ago

@TheWindel

Would that be two bodies destroyed, or would just switching bodies on his own time count towards this limit? Because I imagine just switching bodies normally wouldn't contribute to a time limit, it'd just give him some nice versatility.

His regen factor should be fine, though, considering it's his only real defensive ability. Most of his bodies are going to be fairly easy to deal with, taking serious damage from every attack. Kind of needs wolverine-y regen in order to not get rapidly destroyed in any combat. If he also has a 2-body limit, I'd prefer him to at least be able to get some mileage out of said bodies.

@KoL

My intention had been to throw out a bunch of 'hooks' that could easily be fitted into whatever story threads were already being woven. Glad to see that worked out ^-^

Also, just to specify on the technology vs incorporeal thing, your post seems to imply that all machina combat technology is already 'tuned' to fight incorporeal entities. Like, their weapons all have anti-ghost functions built in to the weapon. Whereas I would assume this to generally not be the case, and that most of the time they'd need at least a separate, specialised weapon for that.

Not trying to undermine you here, just asking for some clarification. Promise I'll shut up if you answer me.
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by Gardevoiran
Raw
Avatar of Gardevoiran

Gardevoiran The Forbidden One

Member Seen 7 mos ago

@KoL@TheWindel@Floodtalon
Edits have been made to the original CS, including a theme song.
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by KoL
Raw
coGM
Avatar of KoL

KoL Knight of Lorelei

Member Seen 2 days ago

@thewizardguy

The problem with changing bodies indefinitely until two of them get destroyed is that it extends the battles to an unreasonable limit. I'll let Windel have the final say on these matters teamsters to powers, but I guess that all of us know that overextending isn't good for the story's health.

Regarding Machina tech, I think that my description was pretty encompassing. The other player characters are free to do as they choose (including the widely spread disregard for some basic lore), but the standard Machina tech is widely based on Eos' systems. 8/10 of it is certainly geared towards fighting the kind of threats she was built to EXTERMINATE!!! That's, pretty much anything the Machina bring to battle can and will hurt ghosts/other supernatural beings, in a way or another.

@Gardevoiran

She seems ok for me now. Wait for the others' word.
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by Flood
Raw
coGM
Avatar of Flood

Flood Cyber-Phantasy Knight

Member Seen 3 yrs ago

@Gardevoiran

I see no problem with Apia.
Hidden 7 yrs ago 7 yrs ago Post by TheWendil
Raw
GM
Avatar of TheWendil

TheWendil The Wendil-Sama™ / ಠ_ಠ

Member Seen 0-24 hrs ago

@thewizardguy

2 bodies destroyed in battle. Switching bodies on his own time don't count to the limit because he, assumingly, shouldn't be in battle when he does that. Otherwise the battles would be extended for too long and given your post rate, we don't want to hold up people. As for his healing factor, my decision remains for you to tone it down since he should have the same durability as the body he takes over. He can have a healing factor, but not to the point where it is impossible to kill him.
Hidden 7 yrs ago 7 yrs ago Post by thewizardguy
Raw
Avatar of thewizardguy

thewizardguy Dumbgeon Master

Member Seen 2 yrs ago

Figured I'd throw in a Machina character, cuz I never got to play one of those.

Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by KoL
Raw
coGM
Avatar of KoL

KoL Knight of Lorelei

Member Seen 2 days ago

@thewizardguy

I'll give a proper review of this new character, after I post Eos' CS here, in a few hours at most (probably earlier). His backstory alone requires quite a lot of corrections and adaptations, in order to align it with the Machina lore that keeps on being disregarded by the players on a steady basis.
1x Thank Thank
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by Thecrash20
Raw
Avatar of Thecrash20

Thecrash20

Member Seen 4 yrs ago

@thewizardguy

I'll give a proper review of this new character, after I post Eos' CS here, in a few hours at most (probably earlier). His backstory alone requires quite a lot of corrections and adaptations, in order to align it with the Machina lore that keeps on being disregarded by the players on a steady basis.


Good thing I read that before writing the backstory. I assumed Humanity was conquered by the Machines. Not helped them and just hid them away. You know cause they give the other entities power and such so why not wipe them out.
Hidden 7 yrs ago 7 yrs ago Post by Lonewolf685
Raw
Avatar of Lonewolf685

Lonewolf685 Inquisitive and Immortal

Member Seen 18 hrs ago



Hidden 7 yrs ago 7 yrs ago Post by KoL
Raw
coGM
Avatar of KoL

KoL Knight of Lorelei

Member Seen 2 days ago

First things first. Eos' CS is updated with her most iconic powers for the sake of completion.

Now, on to other matters...

@Thecrash20 Your character has a few points that need reconsideration. I'll address the main one first and then dissect it, since the idea itself isn't bad but it'll require multiple changes.

We don't want characters able to resist and counter everything that's thrown their way, or so hard to kill that they would drag the battles into oblivion.

With that said, let's go down to specifics:

Not Birthed, but crafted: Nid had been created with a Sister and Brother unit in a time that Androids were in smaller numbers and wanted a trump card against the Super Natural. He was crafted to move faster than Humans could properly track, even faster then older model tracking and targeting modules could process into data. Having the strength of three Slave-Droids, but being as delicate as any non-combat android. Artificial skin wrapped around his servos and fiber muscles with milky white coolant to keep his body cool. To provide the optimal strength intended he was created with something very special to him, three artificial hearts. Like most androids, one of these hearts provided power to the body and processing unit in the head,but it increased his overall power generated and provided a faster way to cool the systems with increased coolant flow and cooling. This allowed Nid to have the Aptitude of a Non-combat Android, the Strength of a few Slave-Droids, and Witting of a combat model. While it would be overkill for a model that could be decommissioned easily as any Android at the time, these custom features were added to provide the power he would need to use his custom made Mobile Suit.


This ability in itself isn't bad, however, the description has an issue. There are no such things as Slave Droids. The closest would be non-sentient drones, but they can't be considered slaves, more than a factory robot of today can. That beats the point of the Machina completely.

Now, while I'm at this, I'll address something that will be important to everyone as well. Before anyone else raises this issue.

Originally, there was a restriction on all of the Machina power sources being directly beamed from Eos, instead of them carrying their own batteries/reactors/whatever. I'll lift that in order for player characters to have some more freedom, however, I'm banning the source of this restriction which are "fusion reactor bombs". PCs are banned from trying to blow themselves in this kind of cheap shot, unless there's an self-destruction function clearly stated on their CS.

Apologies if that doesn't apply to you, but it was so much of a source of problems before that I thought it would be better to make it explicit now rather than later.

Advanced Chaos Security Suite: Even as an android, Nid was designed to be resistant to Corruption from Holy and Hellish powers. Although its additional defense not given to many, it he is still vulnerable to Demonic Corruption.


This one is a problem, for two reasons.

First, there's a logical fail there: How can he be resistant and weak to Demons at the same time? Hellish Powers, Demonic corruption, Unholy Magic and such are interchangeable terms. They all mean the same thing: Evil powers coming from Demons and other Hell associated characters.

Second, a Machina should be weak against those kinds of attacks. We don't want characters that are able to do everything and resist everything.

Knights Armament Software V2: A ancient software, Giving the User the knowledge and skill from any known Human Sword Fighting techniques. It also gave the ability to use his reflexes and allowing for super-fast or high-precision cuts. Able to easily deflect and cut through incoming attacks.

Prototype Battle-Droid: Being an ancient model, designed for combat at a time where Numbers were small. To the average modern Android solider, Nidhoggur has advanced Hand to hand combat skills, weapon training, and critical thinking software stock with his Operating system. Allowing him to be more creative and 'intelligent' in combat than the modern Combat Android.
Advanced Overlay HUD and Range System: Nid does not see with normal eyes. Very similar to current Combat Androids, a Overlay and HUD are always in his eye sight. Giving him real time data on his systems and the environment around him. Allowing him to process things faster than most Android could dream of. Enough to see projectile rounds rushing his way. The Range tracking unit enables him to judge ranges, velocity, and orbit of anything he can physically see.


This combination of abilities is ok, as long as it doesn't make him untouchable/impossible to damage. Beware of that.



This one is ok as well, however, it aso contains a misunderstanding. The Machina don't really have a notion of cost, or upkeep. THe only reason this armor wouldn't be mass produced is if it was built as some kind of test, purpose engineered device, the pet project of some scientist, or if Eos deemed it a failure in the long run.

The Machina are a Post Scarcity, Post Singularity society, the concepts of production, cost and labor are meaningless for them. It's kinda like this dor the whole of the Nexus, but it's blatantly evident on the Machina.









None of these are bad, again, with the caveat that they don't make him invincible. Two things though, I don't know if you read the declaration I made about the Machina tech before, so here's a link: https://www.roleplayerguild.com/posts/4570678

Also, as a bit of trivia that you may or not know, Hyperion is the name of the Machina capital. This is not a problem, I'm just pointing it for when it becomes relevant.

I'll wait until your character is ready to review it again, but I guess that pointing these will save you time while you edit him.

Now, @thewizardguy.

First of all, you need to edit that backstory and make it in accordance to the suggestions we discussed on Discord, or anything else you may choose that doesn't clash against the lore. Now, for specifics:

[Magnetic Field Manipulation]
The main technology Daedalus was designed around, the ability to manipulate electromagnetic fields. Can use these to move around anything magnetic, including most metals and it's own body. By ionising and superheating air Daedalus is capable of generating plasma, which can then be manipulated through use of the electromagnetic field control. Fields of plasma can be used to form forcefields, projectiles, and weapons for Daedalus to wield. Plasma generation usually happens around or near Daedalus, preventing him from generating a bunch of plasma explosions halfway across the map. He actually needs to 'throw' them at the enemy, accelerating them with magnetism in much the same way a railgun works. Electricity generation can also be used to generate an ionised tunnel of air and then send a bolt of lightning through it, much like lightning works in nature. However this is generally far less effective.


This one is ok. I don't see a problem with this kind of weaponry.

[Electromagnetic Burst]
By simply firing waves of electromagnetism Daedalus is capable of disabling enemy technology. This knocks most enemy tech out of the air for a few moments, or at least causes it to fritz out. Biological targets can be 'microwaved' by exposing them over an extended period of time. This ability also has a tendency to disrupt communication.


That's fine as well, as long as you are aware that this is a power that is extremely prone to disastrous friendly fire. You'd better take care when you unleash it, because it can have some serious consequences. Also, it will not affect corrupted demonic tech with the full strength of the burst. I can certainly work as intended on Angel tech, even if their source of power is holy energy, it's still tech so their circuits can be overloaded and fried temporarily.

[Modular Design]
Daedalus is in fact designed from pieces not solidly attached to one another, but instead held together by a powerful magnetic field. This allows him to spontaneously alter it's design to bring out components usually stored internally. It also allows it's body to be seperated and put back together again, so long as the individual components are not destroyed. A quite effective defense mechanism against blunt impact force.


As long as this doesn't make him immune to physical damage it's ok. I'd suggest to make it so that he can only get disassembled into main parts (torso, limbs and head), instead of breaking down into tiny components. This way, it's still a defense, but still presents a target to be hit.

[Sentinel Package]
Capable of using electromagnetic fields to sense it's environment. Considering most anything naturally has or produces an electromagnetic field of some kind this is a fairly effective medium, and in fact replaces more traditional sensors. It grants Daedalus 360 vision and the ability to 'see' around corners and through walls. As well as to detect a number of things not clear to the bare eye.


As long as the range of this electromagnetic "Byakugan" isn't too big, it's ok. Also, be aware that most demonic cloaking powers, as well as any matter of undead creatures would be able to surpass it completely, effectively making your character blind to them.

Weaknesses: If it's power is negated/drained it's body will quite literally fall apart.


Add weakness to Demonic corruption.

Skills: Capable of analyzing and copying enemy moves. Becomes more dangerous the more information it has.


Explain how, and to what extent, he can copy others' moves, please.

Unleashing inhuman shrieks into the night, the hellhounds tore across the battlefield. Their bloodsoaked forms bounded across the dark red stone as they hunted down what remained of the armoured squadron. A small group of soldiers moved steadily backwards unleashing pulses of bright red light from their rifles at the incoming demons. One of the beasts was struck several times, the hardlight beam simultaneously impaling it and cooking most of it's insides, and it went down with a gurgling wail. Another simply screeched, unleashing a series of thin needles from within the folds of it's flesh that embedded themselves into the visors and helmets of several soldiers. Behind them a city burned, razed to the ground by a horde of demons emerging from a rift in the sky. Several more shrieks heralded the arrival of flying warbeasts, and the sergeant barked a full retreat over the communicator even as he unleashed a final volley against the encroaching demonic forces. One of the beasts emerged from thin air, still crackling with demonic red energy. It's jaws closed on his rifle and bit it clean in half, forcing the sergeant back. Ripping one of the needles from his armour he charged the beast, impaling it through the throat even as it's snapping jaws reached for his face.

Suddenly a bright streak of light moved across the sergeant's vision and the beast was hurled from it's feet. A large smoking hole had opened in it's side leaving it twitching and dying on the ground. Bolts of light rained from the sky, ripping through the demonic horde like a rain of falling stars. A hellhound dodged to the side only to have the radiant orb follow it's movements, slicing through the beast and then dissipating into nothingness. Awestruck, the sergeant gazed up at what he could only describe as a miracle.

Two massive wings of radiant blue light held aloft a featureless figure of clean metal. It hovered far above the battlefield, as if judging all that it saw. Blue fire spilled forth from one of it's hands, consuming a nearby winged beast as it was sent crashing to the ground. Shafts of blue light formed around it, before launching themselves at the demons on the ground. Incoming balls of flame and needles were were intercepted by a lighter blue light flaring around the being, as if they had struck a forcefield of some kind. Silently, the sergeant dropped what remained of his weapon.

The demons were retreating.


You character is not an Angel, demons wouldn't run away from him so easily. Ganging up on Machina is one of the most basic Demon strategies, considering that nearly all of them can fly, and most fight with suicidal abandon because running away means that they have to face RILD's wrath, this story feels very exaggerated... to say the least.

You can keep the theme, but please review it.
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by TheWendil
Raw
GM
Avatar of TheWendil

TheWendil The Wendil-Sama™ / ಠ_ಠ

Member Seen 0-24 hrs ago

I've placed KoL's explanation for Machina technology in the first post of the thread, just below the zeroth post. Further lore related material, both IC and OOC will go there from now on so be sure to check it periodically.
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by KoL
Raw
coGM
Avatar of KoL

KoL Knight of Lorelei

Member Seen 2 days ago

Deva has been added to the NPCs list, in case anyone wants to check on the ruler of Heaven.
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by thewizardguy
Raw
Avatar of thewizardguy

thewizardguy Dumbgeon Master

Member Seen 2 yrs ago

@KoL

I was aware the effect would be more limited on demonic tech and expected a bigger limiter on angelic tech, but it was mainly just an ability that fit with the theme and punished people who fought him with stolen machina tech. The modular design thing would allow him to reform his hand into a sword, for example, and it only really helps against blunt force. Can make it easier to dodge something like a sword slice, but definitely not immunity.

I was expecting that all cloaking would protect from the electro-sense unless it was specifically light-only, although demonic versions being absolute seems a little harsh to me. It also seems strange that undead would be invisible? Did you mean just incorporeal undead, or just being a skeleton? Cuz that seems strange to me.

I'll add the weakness and the copying thing was intended more as a 'style' than an ability. If he fights someone who dual-wields swords than he's likely to make swords out of his plasma in order to copy them. He doesn't gain new abilities or anything like that, his versatile ability just allows him to play monkey-see-monkey-do with his opponents.

While I understand the post being misleading and can agree with your criteria, do you mind terribly if I just declare this one non-canon and go with it? I find writing up posts to be rather time-consuming business, and would prefer to not have to rewrite the whole thing. I can understand adding it to the screening process, but the existing post should function for that purpose even if it doesn't necessarily make sense lore-wise.

Thanks for the review, though ^-^
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by Lonewolf685
Raw
Avatar of Lonewolf685

Lonewolf685 Inquisitive and Immortal

Member Seen 18 hrs ago

I was expecting that all cloaking would protect from the electro-sense unless it was specifically light-only, although demonic versions being absolute seems a little harsh to me. It also seems strange that undead would be invisible? Did you mean just incorporeal undead, or just being a skeleton? Cuz that seems strange to me.


To enforce the weakness to Demons.

While I understand the post being misleading and can agree with your criteria, do you mind terribly if I just declare this one non-canon and go with it? I find writing up posts to be rather time-consuming business, and would prefer to not have to rewrite the whole thing. I can understand adding it to the screening process, but the existing post should function for that purpose even if it doesn't necessarily make sense lore-wise.


No, make a new post. Standards have to be met.
Hidden 7 yrs ago 7 yrs ago Post by Nogg Saron
Raw
Avatar of Nogg Saron

Nogg Saron God of Death, Insanity, and Christmas Cheer

Member Seen 5 yrs ago



Hey there! So I made a CS. Please inform me if my attempt was not up to snuff, as well as if there are balancing issues I should address! (And if there are story things I did wrong and need to address etc. etc.)
:D
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by KoL
Raw
coGM
Avatar of KoL

KoL Knight of Lorelei

Member Seen 2 days ago

@Nogg Saron

Welcome aboard!

I'll take a better look at your character later.
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by Lonewolf685
Raw
Avatar of Lonewolf685

Lonewolf685 Inquisitive and Immortal

Member Seen 18 hrs ago

@Nogg Saron

Welcome aboard, and looking at this CS, glad to have you. Looking it over I like it thematically, the backstory is solid and the powers look good to me. I only have have two things to say about it in regards to critique;

1) I don't see where the doctor is getting a Tactician skill. From his backstory I would surmise his element lays more with subterfuge, deception, and manipulation. Schemes perhaps. Though Tactics seems off to me especially when his skills seem more suited to being off the field. If you really desire a more Tactician style of character though, it would make more sense to say he spent a significant amount of time as an army surgeon so he could at least be in contact to organized military action to gleam some skill in that area. After that the Nexus would bolster the rest.

2) For the sample post, could you put spaces between the paragraphs? A few dabs of the Enter-Key makes things far more visually pleasing to read.

Other then that I like what I see. Just make sure he stays 21ft away from Lucille or she might get pissed when her plants start dying around her :3
↑ Top
© 2007-2024
BBCode Cheatsheet