FujiwaraPhoenix

I Reincarnated into the World of an Otome Game, But———?! (Now Accepting)

@DrabberRogue: Again, still open, but as you might've been able to tell by the last few posts, I can be a bit picky when it comes to character concepts.

Big problem I can see here, though, is that there is a... Lot of overlap with my own character. Like, I think most of the core aspects overlap, and I don't think that'd pan out quite well with regards to character diversity.

I Reincarnated into the World of an Otome Game, But———?! (Now Accepting)

@Shiyonichi: Okay, I have multiple problems here, but let's try addressing them one at a time.

• The thing with 'force of nature' villains is that they are usually intended to "force progress" or create some sort of risk/reward factor. You mention, say, Lu Bu or Nemesis, but I'd also put villains like FE3H's Skull Knight or FE9/10's Black Knight in that. But, like, even putting specific generalizations aside, three of those four examples have a meaningful character behind them... And can be/ARE actively avoided.
  No, seriously. Most engagements with Lu Bu in DW games can be dodged around, for example, and you're never meant to take him down but also never meant to directly engage him in normal combat (or at least not before the game gives you the okay to). Sure, all of those characters can pop up and force player movement around them, but only Mr. X/ Nemesis actively pursue the player (and, like, RE is a horror franchise; they're MEANT to be that ever-looming presence that creates tension when you have few tools to effectively deal with them). The others appear and may posture a bit, but because of their nature as scripted encounters, usually won't actually jumpscare you for no good reason. Usually. And then after the fact, you're able to effectively play around their presence because they might only jumpscare once or twice, if ever.
  In short, I am of the opinion that even 'force of nature' villains should have proper character and motivations, regardless of what service those might actually provide... To say nothing of the fact that you just want the character to pop in for a random gank and murk a bunch of party members on a whim. That is, in my opinion, a bad design for a recurring character that would have no place in most scenarios; doubly so when the inherent presence of the character would warp gameplay to such an extent that you always have to play around them even if they never actually arrive... And in and of themselves have no inherent counterplay to deal with besides "just deal with it". Otherwise, villains who posture to just go around murdering people but have no meaning in the grand scheme of things are just handled as one-offs anyways OR end up becoming more of a nuisance to the player's progress rather than any sort of looming threat... Because, well, they wouldn't meant to be ones in the first place. This is completely divested from the personality of the character in question, but on that note...
• I still don't like the idea of the personality being what it is. The idea of a character basically going "and then I occasionally have sudden psychopathic urges and a desire to kill" feels super ham-fisted in my opinion, and if I'm going to be honest, I don't think I'd want a character in the RP who would do something like that. This is to say nothing of the power you've put them at to begin with, which would basically equate to "okay now we have a girl who probably needs actual psychiatric help wandering around who could at any time just murder a cast member" when you consider that a fair chunk of them don't actually have any sort of combat capabilities. That, I feel, is more problematic than the actual 'core' personality being proposed here. I don't really care if the mental image of a big bad hulking monster who would snap your spine like a twig is all nice and friendly because it'd be 'funny' when the cast will try to actively avoid them anyways by dint of their nature AND because of all the metaknowledge they would have. It creates problems in terms of creating natural interaction between characters and just generally creates dynamics that aren't fun to play with or around for the most part.
• There are, again, better and more meaningful ways to lead to circumstances to get a character from that sort of background integrated into the world in which the characters exist in. I do once again want to emphasize the idea that, being presented as the world of an otome game as it is, that this school has very high ranking children of nobility and royalty present. Allowing a child picked up off the street to enroll for no reason beyond saving the child of the headmaster for and ignoring the prerequisites of knowledge needed to enter to begin with and not immediately fall behind/drop out is pure folly in my opinion, and would reasonably never happen in a sane world.

My opinion, fundamentally, does not change. I don't like the character as they are presented now, and the logic and justification behind them doesn't change that fact. These follow-up statements, coupled with the points I made in my last reply, still stand. Character still rejected for the reasons given prior.

I Reincarnated into the World of an Otome Game, But———?! (Now Accepting)

@Shiyonichi: Right, form analysis...

• I think at her core, your character is a bit too tonally dissonant from the rest of the cast. I can feasibly see child soldiers in the criminal underbelly; that's a very commonplace thing. But the specific circumstances behind the character's inception (the whole kodoku-esque creation method in particular) leaves a bit of an unwanted taste in my mouth, as the very specific trait of "possibly bloody psychopath hitman child murderer" with no real narrative weight behind it isn't something I think would fare well in the world...
  And, if I'm going to be honest, feels a bit one-note as written. A boss with a high difficulty spike who appears out of nowhere with no real meaningful history feels more like... Well, just that. I'd point to, say, SMT3's Matador, for example. People remember that boss because you're forced to fight them on the back foot and kind of just sucker punches you because you don't expect them, but otherwise isn't exactly memorable as a character.
• The circumstances behind her entry into the school in this 'timeline' feel a bit contrived. While I would agree that she would need an excuse to get off the streets to attend, "saving the headmaster's kid and getting adopted by him as a result" seems a bit too convenient. There are probably better, more reasonable routes to doing so that would lead to a character who ended UP with a reputation as a damn good killer (and you don't need to be put into a tournament to the death to facilitate being good at killing, if I'm being completely honest; it gets you the person who is the best at surviving, not killing), and I'd recommend considering those routes. Easy examples include things like "forced nobility to adopt her into the family" or "missing child now found" and so on and so forth, but I'm not going to force anything in that regard.

For the reasons above, I'm choosing to reject the form as it is right now.

I Reincarnated into the World of an Otome Game, But———?! (Now Accepting)

@Shiyonichi: Yeah, I'd say there's room for more.

I Reincarnated into the World of an Otome Game, But———?! (Now Accepting)

Reginald von Afah

Though he had on some level expected that his reputation and status would draw the attention of others, one of the few things that Reginald did not expect was being accosted by a girl who was notably shorter than he was—moreso than most of the other students attending the academy, at least. Of course, that combination of height and hair in particular made it rather straightforward to discern who it was that was calling out to him—doubly so when he had heard a nickname being called rather than any sort of title.

"Lady Elastasia," he said, half as a response to her call and half as a reminder to himself as to her identity. "I apologize, but I do not think I have..."

It was at this point that Reginald slowly trailed off, the young man slowing his stride for a moment as he searched his recent memories. The brother in question was rather short as far as people went, and though he had for the most part brushed over most of the new students in his earlier scan, there did seem to be something or someone moving through the sea of students in a bit of a rush earlier.

"...No, I misspoke. It is quite possible that he was among the first to leave once the opening address had concluded," Reginald corrected himself (though never actually stopping as he continued towards the marketplace). "I saw a few students being pushed aside earlier by someone too short to see properly, so it is quite possible that he might have been in a rush to find you as well. Is it possible that he had presumed you would be elsewhere instead?"

@Raineh Daze

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The sudden scream that had escaped from Anne's mouth had indeed managed to catch the Crown Prince off guard, but (in classic ikemen fashion) the young man simply smiled and nodded after the young woman agreed to his suggestion. Soon enough, the two students were carrying the unconscious Noctis off the courtyard and into the main school building. Large and grand though it was, the Prince seemed to have no trouble finding his way through (and even going so far as to help give a mini-tour on the way to the nurse's office).

Compared to how it was laid out within the game, Starveil Academy was far larger in person—sort of a given, of course, seeing as how it had to accommodate so many more students than were usually shown on screen—which meant that the walk over was far longer than a simple menu navigation would have taken. If that fact—and the fact that she was so close to Christopher—had shaken Anne, though, the Prince seemed to not take notice.

Or maybe he had and was simply not showing those feelings as much. Who could tell?

But soon enough, the group had arrived at the nurse's office; a quick knock at the door soon opened, and out came an older woman wearing a white coat.

"Is there a... Oh."

It didn't take long at all before the nurse's gaze fell upon the unconscious Noctis, and without any sort of fanfare she ushered the three in before laying the patient in question onto one of the nearby beds.

"Was there any sort of injury?" she asked, to which Christopher simply shook his head no.

"Not as far as I'm aware, no," the prince replied, shaking his head before turning briefly towards Anne for confirmation. "It is quite possible that his nerves got to him, but I'm not sure that'd be enough for him to lose consciousness..."

"You'd be surprised," the nurse replied, a smile on her face as she turned towards the young man lying down on the bed. "My assistant Johan was also a bit squeamish when he first started helping me out. It was so bad that the sight of blood would've made his soul leave his body!"

The nurse let out a small laugh here before shaking her head.

"Of course, I can handle things from here—unless you're worried about this young man, of course?"

@VitaVitaAR@MagusDream

I Reincarnated into the World of an Otome Game, But———?! (Now Accepting)

@LostDestiny: I would say that we're still open, but my problem with your concept is that we sorta already have a few characters who are "incidentally" tied up with the characters, and so overfilling that niche might be a problem in and of itself.

I Reincarnated into the World of an Otome Game, But———?! (Now Accepting)

Reginald von Afah

Once confronted by Reginald about her actions, the maid's face seemed to pale and her body seemed to shrink down in fear. The hasty apology that followed from her was followed by a simple wave from Reginald, though, as if to disregard the situation entirely. It was better to chastise lightly than to let someone lose their job (or possily more) over something like this.

But the matter regarding the maid was of less importance to him than the heroine in this case, and once he had seen the maid hastily flee the area, the duke's son turned around to see the heroine having run off somewhere else. Though he'd have liked to gauge what her personality was "actually" like, the possibility of her trying to raise some flags with him was not zero... Which itself would have been more annoying to manage than he would have liked.

No matter, then; he'd have the next few years to see what she would attempt to do. For the moment, it seemed more prudent to leave the courtyard and... Well, find Mella, if anything. Given how he had sent her off earlier to scout the markets to make sure she had groceries for the two of them (as he was less inclined to eat at the cafeteria to begin with) and how she hadn't actually returned yet, the young man reasoned that she was likely still there, and so promptly started to leave the area once more to seek her out.

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Despite having had a teacher right beside him as he passed out, it did not seem as if anyone had immediately moved to help Noctis. Whether or not it was because of the chaos of the courtyard as the students left (or chose to linger) or something else mattered little, though, as it seemed at least one student was willing to extend their hand to aid the young man.

Anne's hasty arrival coupled with an attempt to help drag Noctis off the ground was a bit less successful at first, mostly in part due to her lacking the strength to do so. It was only after a bit of struggling, though, that the young woman would hear someone else's voice from nearby.

"Oh, is he all right? Here, let me help; we should bring him to the nurse's office as soon as possible."

Almost as if all of the effort she had put in was meaningless, the owner of the voice lifted Noctis' unconscious body up and slung the young man's arm over his shoulder.

"Ah... That's a bit heavier than expected. Would you mind helping me out here, miss?"

The young man who had moved to help, of course, would have given Anne even more reason to panic. His golden blonde hair and aura of regality marked him as none other than one Christopher Alvonshire—in other words, the First Prince.

@VitaVitaAR@MagusDream

I Reincarnated into the World of an Otome Game, But———?! (Now Accepting)

Reginald von Afah

As the crowd of students began to disperse, Reginald quietly continued along towards the path that led back to the main building. There were more than a few glances and hushed whispers thrown around as he passed by, but given his lack of presence at social gatherings, rumors surrounding him were to be expected. None of them were particularly truthful, of course—things like how he had gone insane, or been terribly injured because of an incident and refused to show his face around...

Honestly speaking, the young man felt as if he should have expected such exaggerations to begin with. Spending more time training with swords and spears or poring over tomes and papers instead of trying to play politics could only have led to this sort of behavior to begin with. Though Reginald had some mind to simply ignore matters, there was a part of him that was saying that leaving rumors unchecked could return to bite back in the future.

Those thoughts were quickly shelved, though, when the duke's son heard a sudden (and somewhat fervent) cry out for a 'miss'. Though he knew not the voice of the one from whom the words sprung from, the young man had instinctually turned to the source... Only to see one of the few people he would really rather not have seen in the first place.

Anne Marielle. The heroine of this story.

At this, Reginald's pace slowed to a halt, and the black-haired student paused and stared for a moment as he tried to recall if an event like this had ever occurred in the game—and quickly came to the conclusion that it had not. Given that he needed to get a grasp on what sort of person the heroine actually was, though, seeing whatever actual event flags were raised was of the utmost importance... Well, so long as they weren't "his".

With that logic in mind, though, it didn't seem too out-of-place to intervene and remove the oddity that was clearly trying to pull the heroine's attention towards her—doubly so if that oddity seemed to be a maid who, despite having been brought here by someone or another, seemed to not have any clue what sort of scene she was causing by blindly calling out to someone who, by most standards, was a seemingly random student.

And so, Reginald swiftly crossed over and, without missing a beat, grabbed the offending maid by the collar and pulled her onto her feet without any hint of a struggle.

"I would recommend that you consider the role of servants within the bounds of this school. Most nobility would not take kindly to being haphazardly called out to by a maid of unknown standing," he said, a slight frown on his face as he let her go. "Unless you would like your master to lose face, I would remind you to remember your place."

It was by no means a 'pleasant' thing to say, especially with all of the eyes already on him, but at least in doing so he could prevent someone with a far haughtier nature than his own from intervening and possibly causing even more of a stir.

@VitaVitaAR@Crusader Lord

I Reincarnated into the World of an Otome Game, But———?! (Now Accepting)

Starveil Academy

School Courtyard

With nary a cloud in the sky, the grounds of Starveil Academy were abuzz with activity. The arrival of spring always brought with it a plethora of new students from both near and far, all clamoring for the prestige of attending. Such was the fame of this storied old school, nestled comfortably in the middle of the nation of Haldia; after all, a school for the elite had to be the best of the best. Be they upcoming talents sponsored by their patrons or students carrying the hopes and dreams of their predecessors, the students arriving here today would very well pave the path towards the future.

The first thing everyone had been directed to do, of course, was to head towards the courtyard for the entrance ceremony. Were the weather less favorable, it likely would have been the grand auditorium that such a ceremony was held within; with the spring flowers in full bloom, however, it seemed much more apt to herald the arrival of a new generation of students surrounded by them.

Seated as they were at the front near the podium that had been set up by the faculty, the newer students could be seen awash in a variety of emotions—anxiety, hope, excitement, and many more—as the headmaster, an older man with what could only be described as salt-and-pepper hair trimmed to perfection, took to the stage. There was a pause as a magical insignia formed underneath him, barely visible to the naked eye, but as he spoke, the reason for it became clear. Voice amplification magic, after all, would allow him to speak to everyone without exerting himself.

"Ahem. To the new students of Starveil Academy: I formally welcome you to our hallowed grounds for the years to come. As you all know, my name is William Augustine Hadforth III, and I am the headmaster of our esteemed academy. For generations..."

And thus the speech began. The relaxing atmosphere coupled with the somewhat long-winded speech continued on and on, and more than a few of the older students in the back were close to dozing off... Had they chosen to attend in the first place. But eventually, the older man's speech came to an end, and the students present given free rein to do as they wished before classes began. To socialize, return to their newfound dorms for the coming years, or whatever else they had in mind... So long as it was within reason, of course.

Reginald von Afah

"I suppose that took long enough," muttered one young man as he stood up from his seat. His long black hair, usually left somewhat untidy, had been pulled back into a ponytail for the ceremony. As the son of a duke, he had to at least attempt to put up appearances for days like these.

Thankfully, his maid had him more than covered for formal situations like these.

Subtly rolling his shoulders as he stretched his limbs, Reginald von Afah took a moment to scan over his surroundings—though, to be more specific, he was on the lookout for anyone "of note". As this was the first day at Starveil Academy, the 'heroine' was bound to appear, as were the rest of the cast that he could remember. There were vaguely familiar faces abound, but for the most part they seemed to mostly blend together. The "standouts" were likely swept up in the wave of students moving to and fro, even despite their standout appearances...

But soon enough, the young man chose to simply worry about trying to find those who were relevant to his interests at a later time. For the moment, Reginald would simply begin to leave the courtyard, crowded with clusters of students new and old as it was. While there was nothing to be "immediately" settled, getting caught up in some of the 'opening' events of the first day did not seem particularly enticing to him in the least.

Hopefully that same maid hadn't gotten herself wrapped up in anything in the interim...

I Reincarnated into the World of an Otome Game, But———?! (Now Accepting)

@Teyao: Right. Form analysis:

• Personality. It's short. Like, really short. These three sentences alone don't give enough information about the character in my opinion; it's way too generalized and doesn't really build upon what little groundwork is set. Nothing plays into the way that the character is conceptualized beyond being a bit... 'Tropey', per se? That's also not getting into how hollow it feels without that elaboration; all three sentences feel like they want to 'start' explaining how the character acts, but none of them actually DO anything with that lead-in.
• Abilities and Skills. Undefined charm magic which he excels at? No. No. No. Absolutely not. Things like that are a one-way ticket to removing agency from other players' hands and possibly forcing their actions, and without any clear boundaries or limitations (or some sort of conversation defining them) I will always deny that on principle. That rule applies here as well.
• A general thing before getting into detail here: Every single 'paragraph' here is a sentence. A single sentence. Each. By definition, yes, a sentence can be a paragraph, but none of those 'ideas' at the core of each is ever built upon. Some sentences are incomplete, some run on for longer than necessary, and others still have errors in grammar that would otherwise make reading them somewhat difficult if the readers aren't inferring context or actively breaking up the sentences such that they are easy to digest. Given that we're all going to be reading and writing with posts from others at their core (as this is inherently a sort of call-and-response type of hobby writing), I'm left a bit worried that there might not be enough to gain from a post with this sort of writing to leave others with a sense of satisfaction in what they write—in other words, that the posts might not reach the general standard that everyone else's posts would be at here. This is only my opinion, of course, and I do not speak for everyone else with that statement. With that said, let's get into the next few sections.
• History: Can a) be collapsed into a single paragraph and b) does absolutely nothing in terms of defining who the character was or is up until this point in time (with 'this point in time' being the start of the RP). It's incredibly shallow and gives us absolutely no meaningful insight into the character, on top of the lack of information the readers might have otherwise been able to gain from the other sections. Speaking of which:
• Original Role/Background: Right, where to begin here...
  
  • As mentioned two points above, readability.
  • The backstory itself is a bit... Nonsensical? To sum it up as I see it: the son of a viscount, at the age of ten, sneaks out to watch a wandering troupe. Without any context as to why their son would be interested in dance all of a sudden, his parents sign him up for dancing—presumably ballroom dancing, as he is still nobility, and not any of the dances of the 'common folk' or those from 'more exotic lands' which I would have assumed he would have seen instead—but somehow see that he cares more about 'freedom' (which, honestly speaking, how would you do that with regards to ballroom dancing? Actively breaking the rules of the dance itself?) and stop?
    It just doesn't add up why a majority of these events would line up in the first place when we consider the type of nobility you paint the character's parents to be (that is, to say, the type that seeks honor, fame, and status among their peers). Reasonably, he never would've been given a chance to 'learn' what you're proposing in the first place—at least, not with the given scenario—and thus would not reasonably exist in this specific setup.
  
  Needless to say, I'll be rejecting this form for the reasons given above.