"If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see,
you can find out firsthand what it's like to be me."
- MCR -
NAME }} Nikolai
NICKNAME }} Nik or Niki, these are prefered to Nikolai
AGE }} 16
DIAGNOSIS }} Gender dysphoria (while in and of itself not a mental disorder, the clinically significant anxiety and depression associated with dysphoria sometimes needs treatment) and Body Dysmorphic Disorder
{{ EQUITABLE • INSECURE • OBSESSIVE • EFFEMINATE • ANXIOUS }}
PERSONALITY }} Niki typically goes through life as a wallflower, quietly blending in with baggy clothes in muted colors. They don’t want to be noticed, not really. If someone does happen to notice them, that person will find a kind hearted and open minded individual, despite their brokenness, perhaps even because of it. Silent and introverted, Nik much prefers listening to talking, especially now that their voice has grown deeper - they don’t like to hear it out loud. Regardless of insecurities, listening to others’ thoughts and ideas and feelings has always been better than dwelling on one’s own struggles. The teen’s quiet nature can make them seem aloof and stoic, but they are by no means judgemental or closed off. Those closest to Niki know that Nik will fight more to support their friends than they ever would fight for themself. This combination of traits makes a Niki a hard friend to make, but a good friend to have and keep.
STRENGTHS }}- Open-minded and receptive listener.
- Genuine and Honest
- Imaginative
WEAKNESSES }}- Overly self critical - This sometimes manifests physically in the form of skin picking and other self-harming behaviors.
- Mirrors - Nik is either obsessively looking in them to analyze their reflection, or obsessively avoiding them in shame of their own appearance.
- Disordered eating - It would be easy to misdiagnose Nik with anorexia nervosa, as some patients with BDD often are, but Niki goes through bouts of complete avoidance of food as a means to cope with their discontent in their own body. It is not that Niki sees themself as overweight, it is the incessant recurring negative thoughts about their own body being imperfect and mismatched that pushes Nik to change it. As plastic surgery isn’t an option yet, eating is something that Niki can and does limit to alter their appearance.
HISTORY }} It was obvious to Nikolai’s parents from a very young age that their son was different. On christmas he asked for both Tonka trucks and Barbie dolls. He would go outside and catch bugs and then come inside to play princess dress up with his sister. Kids can be like that sometimes, so his parents didn’t think much of it. The other children didn’t seem to mind, so why should they, if Nikolai was doing what made him happy?
When Nikolai was in late elementary and early middle school, things grew more complicated. The girls in his class started wearing make-up and giggling about bras and boys. Nik wanted to be like them, so he talked to his parents about this and, because they loved him, his mother took him the store and picked out some makeup and training bras. Nik proudly wore these things to school the next day.
At first, everything went unnoticed by his peers. The makeup was subtle, and the bra hidden safely under his shirt. Nik was confident and happy, feeling pretty, like he had always wanted to. This happiness was short lived, as adolescents tend to ostracize those who stray from the social norm. Niki dared to wear a dress after convincing his mother that it would be okay, that his friends said it would be fine. It wasn’t okay, and those ‘friends’ laughed at him. Nikolai was brutally bullied by his fellow students, physically by the boys and socially by the girls. He quickly became a social outcast, labeled ‘freak’ and ‘gay’ and whatever other unclever nicknames the kids had cooked up on any particular day.
The bullying grew so intense that Nik’s parents had to relocate so that their child could attend a different school and have a brand new start. Unbeknownst to them, it was already too late, the internal damage had been done. Nikolai had become a different person; Their once bright and colorful child had faded to grey. The criticisms of his peers had become his own, yet amplified. The older he got, the less he felt like a he… but not completely like she, either. They became they, and they became no one.
A new school did little to improve Nik’s quality of life. They went to class and did their homework, because they had to. They came home and sat alone in their room, avoiding parents and what few friends they had still managed to keep. Sometimes they would stare at the full length mirror behind their door for hours, a black sharpie in hand that they used to draw X’s above all of the flaws in their reflection. No one is sure when those markered X’s on the mirror turned into razor kisses on their skin, but they did. Niki intentionally picked out and wore baggy clothing to hide the scars and marks, and also to camouflage their body.
This downhill spiral of unseen psychological warfare and battles with self harm led to where these struggles unfortunately sometimes do lead. One month ago, Nik switched directions and intentionally cut deeper. Whether it was the sight of so much blood, or the sheer loss of it, Niki passed out almost immediately. They awoke in a hospital bed, confused and bandaged up with a very forlorn looking mother and father staring back at them. After a period of physical healing, Nik is currently being checked into Treewit for mental healing, and has yet to receive a bed assignment or meet any other patients.
OTHER }} Currently prefers they/their pronouns because their gender identity is still undefined.
FC: Stav Strashko Color: E9967A (DarkSalmon)
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