A wood-brown blimp sailed through a sea of white stratus clouds as it quietly crept upon its moaning target. Knights stood in two silver square formations on the wooden deck, waiting with disciplined patience for the order to charge. Up a small staircase, standing at the bow of the ship before the helm was a beautiful man. His hair was white and like cotton pooling upon his shoulders. Wings of silver protruded from his shoulder pauldrons as a light-blue cape wafted in the breeze behind him, bearing woven design of a white Tree of Life—the symbol of the Church of the White. His blue eyes stared into an argent expanse. The helmsman, a younger soldier with brown hair, gazed upon their commander and asked, “Sir, are you sure the pirate king’s ship would be in the sky? Wouldn’t it be on the sea?”
Just then, they heard another moan. It resonated throughout the cloud screen. The cries of a whale. The holy knight frowned and ordered, “Take us down.”
Pulling a lever, the airship began its descent, diving like a submarine into the cloud bed as the clouds split like water about it. The entire ship vanished in a fog. The helmsman could no longer see his commander or even his hand before his face. The blimp then emerged, breaking through the cloud ceiling into a yellow buttery pocket of space. The sun shined through a tunnel of churning cumulus clouds and drifting before the airship was the creature they had been chasing. Swimming through the air was a mighty humpback whale, and on its back, the pirate king’s ship,
The Kojira!
The holy knight smiled malevolently. The helmsman smiled, “Captain Siegfried, you found it!”
The captain ran the back of his hand through his glossy locks and replied snobbishly, “Of course I did. I have been studying the Kojira’s movements for months. Every attack, every pillage…it only took time to connect the dots and realize that there was a trick. I never thought it would be on the back of an actual kojira…prepare to board!”
Prepare to board!An abrupt war cry from the formed units resounded.
“Full speed ahead!” the captain ordered.
“Full speed ahead!” the helmsman acknowledged.
The airship soared toward the whale-mounted-ship. The birds that had been circling its white sails scattered. Strangely, the airship was able to creep right above the pirate ship without conflict. The captain gazed over the rail at the deck of the pirate ship below. He hadn’t seen a single crewmember. Immediately he wondered, was it deserted? It couldn’t have been. That would have been too easy.
One of the lieutenants peered over the ship rail next and frowned at the inactivity they were seeing. “Sir, I don’t like it,” he told his captain.
Siegfried continued to regard the pirate ship for a lengthy minute. He had finally found it, but his instincts were telling him something was off. He felt nervous—scared even.
I fear only the White God, Siegfried told himself.
“Sir?” the helmsman called to him.
The captain turned away from the edge and walked over to the balcony to stand before his company. “Second Platoon stand fast and guard the airship. First Platoon board!”
The lieutenant raised his fist over his heart and hammered it against his armor in salute before he faced his men and echoed the command, “Ready the ladders! Board the ship!”
The platoon of spirited knights began dropping lengthy rope ladders onto the pirate deck below. Swiftly, each soldier descended collecting on the deck with their swords drawn and surveying what appeared to be a deserted ship. They waited for their lieutenant as he dropped from the ladder last and gazed about at the quiet ship.
Thrusting out an arm, he commanded, “Search the bloody ship!”
Barrels were turned over, cabins were turned upside down, and the galley ransacked. The only place they hadn’t searched was a lone little house on the deck with a small crescent moon window carved into the door. A knight posted at the door, gripping its handle. The lieutenant lowered his long sword, gripping its hilt with both hands, and holding the blade parallel to the floor. He was prepared to skewer whoever was behind it. The lieutenant’s green eyes met his knight’s brown, and he nodded. The knight jerked open the door and as the lieutenant motioned to attack, he was repelled by a wave of rank. The stench passed through his nostrils nearly making him faint as he quickly staggered backwards, raising an armored glove to his face. The knight who had opened the door was already bent over and vomiting with his back turned. What they stumbled upon was an outhouse and behind a dirty flipbook was a lone man.
The flipbook lowered, revealing a pair of blue narrowed eyes. The man’s red brows were pinched in irritation as he gazed upon a group of gawking knights from inside an outhouse that had obscene graffiti carved and inked all over the walls along with a few pinned poems and dirty paintings. He lowered the book further, his lips unzipping to reveal a handsome smile (maybe it would have been if he wasn’t sitting on a toilet). The man was wearing a sanguine-red leather coat with a collar of white puffy fur forming a horseshoe about his neck. Beneath it was a sculpted muscular torso of old scars inflicted by blades. His charcoal-black trousers were at least modestly at his knees with two brown leather belts threaded through their rungs. His pants were long enough to rest upon the toes of a pair of sturdy black boots. He leaned forward, resting his right forearm on his thigh as he arched a brow, “Oi, ye mind? Want t’try knockin’ first? Tha’ shitters in use.”
The lieutenant stared in disbelief. His green eyes showing disgust over the hand he kept clapped against his face. “Mmfph rmmph hmph!”
The man blinked and turned his head, raising his hand to his ear. “Pardon?”
The lieutenant attempted to remove his hand, but as soon as he opened his mouth, just tasting the odor on his tongue made his face flush green as a wave of vomit gushed into his mouth. His cheeks inflated and quickly he scrambled further away to reclaim some fresh air. Resting his hands on his knees, he reluctantly swallowed his vomit back down, and panted, filtering his lungs with clean air. When he managed to compose himself, he straightened and glared at the man with his sword directed at him.
“Where is your captain?” the lieutenant demanded.
The man narrowed his eyes again. “I be ‘im.”
The lieutenant blinked. “
You’re Grimjet Clermont; The Butcher; the Pirate King?”
“Aye.”
The entire platoon was stunned.
“Where’s your crew?”
Grimjet rolled his eyes before he shrugged. “Off raidin’ somewhere?”
“Why aren’t you with them?”
“Cuz I’m takin’ a bloody shit! I said ye mind!”
Grimjet reached out to snag the door and slammed it closed, leaving the entire platoon dumbfounded. Captain Siegfried stepped off the side of the airship and dropped to the deck below. His white hair rippled in his graceful descent, his blue cape flagging above him. When he landed, his boots barely made a sound. His hand went to the golden scepter at his hip. The scepter was two feet in length with a round sphere at the end between two unfurled angelic wings. He drew the weapon, swinging it upwards in an arc as the air between him and the outhouse flashed like lightning. The outhouse spontaneously exploded in a blast of fire. Black smoke soon engulfed the flames before the passing winds wafted it away. Standing in the smoke’s place was Grimjet. His body was smoking, clothes singed a darker color by the flames. Behind him, whipping in the wind was a tail of toilet paper that had been trailing from his pants. Grimjet coughed twice, fanning the remnant wisps of smoke from his face before he slipped his hands into his pants pockets and gave the holy knight an ugly and displeased look. His teeth were irritably bared and his bottom lip poked out. He regarded the beautiful man for a few seconds before he tilted his head and muttered, “’Aven’t I seen ye somewhere befo’?”
Grimjet recalled a story about a black swordsman…Whatever. “Oi, ye got yer church, and me crew had that there shitter ye blew away. Twas’ our sacred place too, y’know?”
Siegfried pointed the scepter at the pirate king. “Where’s your crew?”
Grimjet’s lips twisted in amusement. He must have felt like such a big man pointing that arc at him. “I said raidin’.”
“Why aren’t you with them?”
Behind the distracted first platoon and the holy knight were several balloon boats floating up to the airship. Grimjet tipped his head back and sighed. “Ugh, same old questions. I said I was shit—“
Siegfried had swung his scepter and the air combusted again. The knights watched in awe the power their captain demonstrated. The pirate king must have been regretting his decision to stay.
“I won’t ask again,” said Siegfried. “You’re a coward to have stayed behind.”
As the fire and smoke cleared, Grimjet was revealed with no longer a coat. His leather belts crumpled from his waist into char as his bare skin smoked from the swiftly healing burns. He peered over his shoulder, gazing at the tail of toilet paper that seemed to be preserved. It hadn’t even been singed.
That was a good steal… he thought to himself, impressed.
“A captain always goes down wit’ ‘is ship,” Grimjet countered with a careless smile.
“Arm yourself, Monster.”
“Name callin’ now are we? I don’t need me knife to ‘andle ye scalawags.”
Grimjet kept his hands within the pockets of his pants and he grinned wickedly at the holy knight. The lieutenant frowned and regarded his captain. “We’ll handle this, Sir.”
Siegfried doubted his men could, but he had another plan up his sleeve. He nodded to his lieutenant and his lieutenant raised his sword and ordered, “Charge!”
First platoon charged the pirate king while Siegfried raised his scepter vertically and scowled in concentration. His arc began to glow. The platoon of fifty men surrounded Grimjet in five rotating rings. Slowly, they started to close in the circle. There were swords all around him, raised and ready to skewer him if he got too close. The pirate king’s blue eyes shifted left and then right. He glanced over each of his shoulders as his smile only broadened. Before the knights could get too close, Grimjet surprised them by charging toward three in the ring. He dropped upon his right side and slid until his booted feet slammed into the knights’ ankles. He slid through all five ranks, clearing a path before he executed a roll and rose to his feet. He whirled around to face his pursuers, and while walking backwards, he leaned back dipping left and then right at the shoulders to dodge sword swipes from a soldier closing in. Grimjet straightened and swung his left foot upwards to catch the soldier’s sword arm at the wrist. His toe met with the joint, causing a loud
snap as the soldier’s wrist went limp.
“Argh!” the soldier screamed as Grimjet dropped his foot and leaning his weight upon it, twisted his body to bring his right leg swinging around toward the soldier’s head. His instep caught the side of his face, sending the soldier spinning like a ragdoll into a rank of soldiers. The rank collapsed, bowled over like pins as Grimjet lowered his foot and sprinted away from the pursuing group to gain some distance. While running toward the stern, Grimjet scooped up a coil of ship rope and faced the group. Grinning impishly, with his inhuman strength, he tossed the rope at one of the soldiers, the knot striking him in the face and sending him instantly to the ground. Snapping the rope back, Grimjet whipped it out again. The rope lashed an entire group, crushing them under its weighted length. The rope whipped wildly, crisscrossing as it tossed soldiers about and sent them to the floor. The lieutenant blocked the rope with his sword, baring his teeth as he felt the strength of the strike pass through his hand. It made his hand numb.
Grimjet retracted the rope once more and leapt into the air. He soared over the lieutenant’s head, dropping the heavy rope coil on top of him as he headed for the holy knight captain.
“Captain!”
Siegfried glanced up at the airship to see second platoon’s lieutenant leaning over the rail.
“We’re under attack!” he shouted.
Siegfried’s eyes widened as he thought,
What!?He watched as a pirate clashed swords with his lieutenant. Had the captain’s crew been present all along? But they had checked the whole ship.
“Captain!” the first platoon lieutenant screamed in warning as he wrestled the rope off of his body.
Siegfried’s attention returned to his current situation just as Grimjet landed before him. Face hardening in a scowl, Siegfried directed his charged scepter at the pirate king as Grimjet whipped his right leg around. As Grimjet’s foot connected harshly with the side of the holy knight’s armor, the strike threw off Siegfried’s aim. The air behind Grimjet’s head combusted into an enormous globe of fire that consumed one of the sails and sent the mast collapsing into the captain’s cabin. Siegfried turned, using the strike’s momentum to allow him to keep his footing. As he turned, his chest plate snapped free as two generous forms tumbled against the white cotton material of
her tunic. Grimjet had followed the kick through and was spinning around to face Siegfried as she was spinning around to once again aim her scepter at him. The pirate king’s eyes widened in astonishment when he saw the great bust that was turning to face him. His jaw parted to catch the head of the scepter between his teeth and his hands extended to grasp handfuls of the prominent orbs. The two froze. Siegfried’s eyes were shrunk in shock as she took a moment to gauge the situation. She saw her scepter in Grimjet’s mouth and his hands…Her mouth dropped, seeing his hands buried in her chest without shame.
With an enraged cry, Siegfried’s armored fist connected with Grimjet’s face sending him flying backwards. First platoon stood frozen in shock as they watched their captain fall to one knee crossing her arms before her chest protectively. Grimjet had landed on his back, the scepter gripped within a lewd smile. When he sat up, the man had devolved. The surprise that Siegfried had actually been a babe made him lose all intelligence. He became a metaphorical ape that began screeching and galloping around on its knuckles in excitement.
“OOK! OOK! AH AH AAH!” the perverted chimp screamed.
The lieutenant clapped a hand against his forehead. “I knew this was going to happen…” They had been trying to keep their captain’s womanhood a secret from the pirate king, having learned of his disturbing fondness for women. The last thing they had wanted was for their captain to become one of his obsessions.
“He has the scepter!” the captain shouted.
Grimjet stood and directed the scepter at Siegfried with a triumphant smile. “Aye, I do.”
“Captain!” her worried knights shouted.
Grimjet ordered, “Surrender or tha’ buxom bitch dies!”
Siegfried narrowed her eyes.
Buxom…The lieutenant hissed and then reluctantly ordered his men, “Lower your weapons!”
Siegfried growled, “What are you doing? Fight!”
Grimjet smirked over at her. “Tis checkmate girly. I win.”
One of Grimjet’s pirates yelled down, “We got everything handled up here Captain!”
“Good! Bring it all down,” Grimjet returned.
Once all the knights were collected and placed in the brig (except for the holy knight), and his men were back on board the Kojira, Grimjet went over the booty with his steward.
“Gear?” he asked, glancing over at the pile of armor and weapons they had collected off the White guardsmen.
“Check!” replied the steward.
“Loot?”
There was a pile of collected food, water, stolen coin purses and other supplies they had pilfered from the airship and its crew.
“Check!”
“Ransom?”
They both gazed down in the dark brig at the tied up knights.
“Check!”
Grimjet blushed and raised a hand shyly to his lips as he asked, “Girly?”
The steward forced a smile through his sympathy pains as he glanced over at the captured holy knight captain. “Check!”
Grimjet then held up the scepter. “Sea o’ gold?”
The steward grinned greedily, “Check!”
Grimjet threw back his head and laughed victoriously. “As soon as we sell all o’this we’re gonna be up to our necks in gold mates!”
A strand of drool escaped the corner of his mouth as he thought,
We’ll ‘ave enough food and grog fo’ a year.His crew raised their fists into the air and cheered.
Grimjet inspected the scepter and muttered under his breath, “’Ow’d she use this thing again?”
The pirate king then twirled and struck a pose. His right arm was raised and curled with the palm of his right hand against the back of his head. His left hip was cocked out in a feminine manner as he aimed the golden scepter at the air ship like a magical girl. The blimp then detonated with a bang as its fiery remains tumbled from the sky. Siegfried’s face was flushed in anger and humiliation as she thought,
I never once used my arc like that!Grimjet winked at her and raised a hand to his mouth to blow her an air kiss. The holy knight hissed and screamed, “You better pray to the White God that I don’t get free!”
The steward then noticed the tail of toilet paper that had been hanging from the captain’s pants. He grasped the ribbon of 2-ply and tugged it.
Pop! A loud growl resounded from Grimjet’s stomach. The cramps that began gripping his bowels like tight fists caused the pirate king to suddenly bend over with his arms crossed over his tummy in pain. The steward stared blankly until his captain’s distressed face appeared over his shoulder, staring at him as though he wanted to kill him.
“Wah!” the steward shrieked.
The noises were growing louder and Grimjet rasped, “What’d ye go touchin’ shite fer? Augh! It’s like a river o’nails tearin’ through me bowels! I wasn’t finished on tha’ shitter! Augh! It’s trynna’ force its bear claws through me arsehole!”
Grimjet’s hand snagged the back of his ass as he clenched his cheeks together with all of his might. Sweating bullets, he shuffled around seeing only a black charred spot where the outhouse used to be.
“Was that our only shitter?!”
The steward quickly flipped through his account papers. Grimjet stared at him impatiently with tiny eyes. After flipping through all the pages, the steward closed his eyes and fearfully gulped.
“Yes…” he squeaked.
“WHAT!?” Grimjet now on his knees and with both hands smashed against his ass (including the scepter) he screamed at his men, “YE BETTER BUILD ANOTHA’ SHITTER! HURRY! HURRY! HURRY! YE FOOLS!”
Pirates started darting all over the place, rounding up wood from the destroyed mast for the new toilet. Siegfried shouted at Grimjet, “GET MY ARC AWAY FROM YOUR DISGUSTING ASS!”
Grimjet’s cheek was smashed against the deck as he continued to suffer, “It’s trynna drill through me hands! Sendin’ its brown whirlin’ spade through my flesh!”
The steward went green and backed away a few steps from him. The pirates finished building the outhouse in record time and exclaimed, “It’s ready, Captain!”
Grimjet immediately rose to his feet and sprinted faster than he ever had toward it. Siegfried yelled, “Don’t take my arc in there!”
The outhouse door slammed closed and Siegfried screamed, “NAAAAAAAOOOOOOOO~!”
The lieutenant frowned as he listened to all the screaming going on above. “What’s going on up there?” His nose then wrinkled as he caught wind of something foul. There was a horrible noise echoing from the pipe above him. He looked up and the smell only grew fouler. It was coming from the pipe. “Ugh, what is that…?” His eyes then grew large. He remembered the outhouse. He had wondered where it all went and now he knew. “Run!”
The other knights stared at him awkwardly. “This isn’t a prison! It’s the septic tank!”
The brig broke out into chaos as knights climbed over knights in the mad scramble to get away from what was about to explode through the pipes. The worst part was that it was going to be a long journey before the Kojira came across another group of holy knights to ransom them off to.
Simple Unicycle
Mixtape Ghost N
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