Loksfjoer

Nobody Will Believe It [SporkoBug and Calle]

Vantursh and Benjamin are not going to get along. Benjamin likes jazz XD

Revival of the Dragon Riders

Trevor

Full Name: Trevor Hendrikson
Age: 25
Gender: Male
Race: human
Appearance: An average male in height, but muscular. He has short brown hair and brown eyes. Trevor is dressed in simple clothes in earth tones, suitable for long walks in the forest and has a dark-green cloak. He carries a sword on his belt and he wears black leather boots.
Personality: Trevor is indifferent most of the time and isn't easily motivated to do something for others unless he's paid to do so. If someone manages to either spark his interest in a case or find a way to his heart, he'll give everything he has to help. He can be grumpy in the morning and he doesn't trust people easily.
Background: Trevor has served in the army for a while and has fought several battles. In those battles he lost both family and friends and at one point he had enough of the fighting. He left the army to live by himself in the forest close to the mountains. He lives in a small wooden house, trying to stay away from other people as much as possible and he makes a living as a forest guide. He stayed away from all the trouble with the new king, dragon rampage and dragon riders being arrested, he already left the army when this was happening. It fuelled his initial distrust for dragons.
Skills: Sword fighting, navigation on land, military tactic, first aid (including resuscitation)
Additional: Trevor doesn't trust anyone easily, but he has a strong dislike for any creature that isn't human (like dwarves, elves, dragons, goblins, vampires, lycantrhopes/werewolves, any half-breeds, etc.)
Dragon companion: Trevor having a dragon companion? *laughs* no companion yet

Rachel

Full Name: Rachel Heartwood
Age: 21
Gender: Female
Race: Human
Appearance: She has an average build and height, with blonde hair that reaches just over her ears. She has one long scar on her left arm from a sword cut and one small in her thigh from a stab wound
Personality: Rachel is a tough woman as she grew up with only brothers. She is rational, often serious and she can be stubborn.
Background: Rachel grew up with her brother Thom and they became dragon riders together. Her brother died in the conflict with the dragon-hunting king and she had to hide with Fiona in the mountains.
Skills: sword fighting, climbing, cooking, crafting leather
Additional: Rachel hates the new king with a passion and would love to slice his throat one day.
Dragon companion: a dragon with golden scales called Fiona. Fiona is a patient and friendly dragon, often being a voice of reason when Rachel is being stubborn or not willing to listen.

Mikhal

To be added

Meria

To be added

General Doruk

To be added

Revival of the Dragon Riders

Revival of the Dragon Riders

Past Events

---

Meria looked at Noble and nodded. "Indeed, I am a sorceress," she said to him and examined him. "We will talk about that later, let's sit with the Hermit first. She chose a place near the fire and decided to wait for the soup and listen to the others. She had found these people and helped them, but the hermit never was her goal. She glanced aside, to the lake where the small dragon floated on the surface and curiously looked at all the humans and dragons. She needed to bring her to the sea.
She turned her attention to Duncan when he began to explain his reasons for being here.

Mikhal smiled when Gnol doubted his ability to drink Dwarven ale, but didn't feel the need to defend himself. He looked at the Wyvern and stretched his arm out so it could rest there. "You will like my friend too," he said to it. "Shall we go sit by the fire?"
He was curious to what everyone else wanted to discuss with the hermit and maybe he could even help them as well.
"That is a noble quest," he said as he sat down, looking at Duncan. "The best I heard are rumours of questionable origin, but I'm more than willing to join you in your quest."

The Hermit laughed and started coughing. "Very noble quest indeed," he said between coughs and giggled some more. He stirred in the soup as he allowed the people to talk amongst themselves, he would share his knowledge in time.
He looked at the gathered people, if he could get them all working together, he glanced at Trevor specifically when the thought came to mind, the world had a fighting chance. Of course some people needed to be honest about their origin too.

Trevor stayed with Gnol, not giving any indication he wanted to join the others at the fire. "He may not look like it, but he can hold his beer surprisingly well," he said, but gave his words another thought. "I've rarely seen him drink more than one pint of heavy beer though."
He noticed the hermit looking at him and he glared back. Whatever the old man had in mind, he would have no part in it. The last thing he wanted was to join some kind of wild goose chase that would get them all killed in the end. And he wanted it even less if those bloody dragons were involved.

Rachel looked at Duncan when he talked. "You did find some dragon riders, that's true. And with some proper trainer we might be able to let our ranks grow." She looked at Ricki now, the girl had a dragon, but was far from being a Dragon Rider. If that was something she wanted to be. She was glad Damien was here too. If he had survived, others may have survived too. Hopefully they would find more, because rookie dragon riders were not going to be much help if it came to war.

Revival of the Dragon Riders

Revival of the Dragon Riders

Past Events

I'm still editing the document to remove all the images to make it easier to load, but our 42 pages on PFQ are 340 pages in the google doc XD It will be a few pages less when I'm done, but I don't think it will be much shorter.

Edit: ended with 212 pages :)

plot

A new king came to power and he did a terrible thing: he started hunting dragons and the dragon riders of that time tried to stop him, so the king discredited them by telling the people the revenge seeking dragons were put up by it by the dragon riders. the king started arresting them and put them to death for crimes against the kingdom.
Most dragon riders are dead now, some survived and are in hiding. Humans don't trust dragons anymore, or the people riding them.

Strange Arrivals (A ZAVAZggg & Calle Roleplay)

Life was good. But the mornings not so much. Waking up and having to get up was a daily agony he could do without. In that aspect Andy would rather have a late or a night shift. The first major decision of the day was the method of transportation. Would he take his car or a motorcycle?

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

But it was nice to start the day with a decision that would have no real consequences. The moment he'd step into the hospital that would be different. For the simple reason putting on his motorcycle suit was an effort he didn't feel for doing right now, he chose for the car. With the roof down it would be an enjoyable drive, especially since there were few clouds in the sky and the sun was already up. He whistled, enjoying the feeling of wind blowing over his head. A few strands of hair escaped the elastic band that kept them together.

After he parked in front of the hospital, he entered the emergency department. "Good morning everyone!" he said as he walked through the department. The enthusiasm in his voice showed nothing of his trouble with getting up in the morning, but he went straight to the coffee pot. Of course he had had some coffee at home, but before he started working he liked to drink a cup as well and talk a bit with his fellow doctors and the nurses. Unless of course there was an emergency.

It wasn't possible to predict what would happen, it could be anything ranging from stitching a cut, or dealing with a victim of a car crash. And the diversity was what appealed to him. But he was grateful that he could start the day with a cup of coffee as his colleague of the previous shift finished up her last patient of the night.

RPGC #23: InGlorious - Voting and Critique

Here is my feedback on the stories. I didn't look for grammar mistakes, but I did point out those I found. Some feedback is plot-related. I'm more of an alpha reader than a beta reader and I'm better at finding possible plotholes or inconsistencies than grammar mistakes.

I hope you find my feedback useful.

Ash and Tyrants

Overall, I liked what you did with the story. First the mysterious stranger in the ruined building followed by the journal to explain what had happened I loved your descriptions of the ruins and the figure making its way to the journal.

Next are some points that I think could use improvement:

“The outer walls stood still, and much of the roof remained.” → I would shorten this to ‘The outer walls and much of the roof remained.’

“The only illumination inside was the occasional beam of red light that beamed through a hole in the roof or through a shattered window.” → you used beam twice. Since you already established the red light came in as a beam, you can remove ‘beamed’, instead you could ‘shone’.

“In no hurry, the figure reached a larger room.” → ‘In no hurry’ is not an ideal choice of words in this sentence. You could specify in the second paragraph his footsteps are calm and determined, which will let the reader know the figure isn’t in a hurry, without having to say it here. And if you specify he is no hurry in the previous paragraph, you could mention the figure standing still here and taking in/observing the larger room for a moment. That will have a bigger impact than ‘the figure reached a larger room’

“ unnatural formations rose above the ash.” → capital U :)

“Templars were scatted far and wide” → That should be scattered.

“Out stated goal was to use unite the world using magic and technology as mankind’s tools.” → what happened is here is what most writers have done or will do, you started with something and started over, but you didn’t change everything. I think ‘Out’ should be ‘Our’ and in “ to use unite” I think you need to remove the ‘use’

“had I been anything less then a very cautious crown prince and general “ and “One greater then ever.” → you’re making a comparison, the word is ‘than’ instead of ‘then’. It’s a mistake I made quite often myself.

I know there was a limit on words, so I understand why you didn’t go into that deeper, but I would have liked some more examples of what made him a tyrant. Usurping the throne and declaring war by themselves don’t make a tyrant.

The ending was unexpected, but it was a good twist. It’s the kind of dark ending I’m personally not a fan of, because the thought of history lost doesn’t sit easy with me, but that doesn’t mean the ending wasn’t good. Making people feel things at the end is a good thing.

Blood on the Rocks

Good story, there was a constant feeling of ‘what will happen next’ and ‘what is going on’. The reader discovers everything as the story progresses and views all the events through the eyes of the main character. I like how that was done.

You have a fantastic way with words, the story was detailed, but not too much, and you showed a rich vocabulary throughout the story.

I do have some points of feedback for you:

“Whatever hateful thing there lurked” → I don’t know if this was a style choice or if it was based on any grammar rules, but the sentence felt weird to me. ‘Lurked there’ would be what I would have done.

“Of the cook I saw no sign, and thus continued on, my appetite waning.” → The main character entered a castle, the cook is most likely not going to be present when the food is served. It would make more sense for the setting they’re in if he wonders where the lord of the castle is, for who the meal is most likely meant. Cooks/staff tend to eat in the kitchen.

“I said this all as matter-of-factly as I could” → before this you showed you have a great way with words and this felt like it didn’t fit in the rest of the story. I know matter-of-fact is a correct word, but in this instance there should be better words that fit more in with the rest of the story and the eloquence the main character is shown to have.

“And the sun shines not quite so strongly when the clouds blow away.” --> Here the use of the word ‘strongly’, takes away the strength of the sentence. Using ‘strong’ instead makes the sentence stronger.

During the conversation with the daughter I noticed you sometimes had two characters in one paragraph. It’s better to keep one character/pov in one paragraph. It will also make it easier to follow who is talking.

This is merely a suggestion for you to consider, but in two instances I think it looks better if you merge the action of the woman with what she says, instead of putting her action after the main character talks.

Her face twisted, and she glanced down at her hand, sticky and red. “You look quite monstrous as you stand there, sir,” she said to me.

“He beat me, you know. Ceaselessly. Always said it had to do with my face, though I never looked uglier than after he was through with me.”
“Who?”
She frowned at the question, sniffling. “My father, the man who you…”

The only thing I didn’t get from this story is the reason for the main character to go to the castle or why the main character is considered a great hero. We only see someone sneaking into a castle. Giving the main character a thought about the rumour he heard and the desire to do the right thing at the beginning would fix that. Because in the story we don’t see why he’s so certain this man in the bedroom is the monster and he admits to himself he knows that the reason he gives for being there is true, but to a certain extent. This could imply he knows before killing the man that there wasn’t really a monster, and that in turn doesn’t show he is a character who started out good, but implies he invaded the castle with the idea to get the girl.

But that is only in regards to the prompt, the story itself, ending included was really good.

The Inevitability of the Throne

I liked the conspiracy going on here. Even though we know what will happen as we follow the thoughts of the main character, we’re still left with questions like ‘how will she do it’ and ‘will she succeed’, and that kept the story interesting.

A couple of points of feedback:

A gown and a nighty are pretty much the same thing. Also the use of the word ‘nighty’ doesn’t give a medieval vibe. She could be wearing a robe of some kind over her gown or nightgown.

The words ‘A true actor’ are not needed. That’s the kind of thing you can leave up to the reader to decide, especially because we already learned she put up a facade with her valet when she pretended to think things over.

Plot-related, I can’t help but wonder why Lyra decided to kill her father if he’s dying anyway. Would those few days he has left really matter? If there is a motive for this, maybe it could be explained through her thoughts.

What I liked is that in the beginning she thinks that people would thank her if they ever discovered the truth and that those who knew would think greater of her, but when everything is over the valet who may suspect the truth is imprisoned. Immediately she secures her future.

That poor valet though, I felt sorry for him. Which also means it’s a good ending.

Searching for Paradise

This was a straight-forward entry and I liked how the prompt was used. It’s easy to follow the thought-process of the main character and the reader might even agree with the idea, although it’s beyond doubt killing people and bringing death and destruction because someone thinks its best for them is evil.

I found one error: “Whether nor not” → that should be ‘whether or not’

Phantom Vision

A strong story and a good take on the prompt, I liked it.

I do have some feedback for you, some grammar related, some plot-related.

April 4th: when doing entries for journals, I don’t think many people will mention the starlit sky as they write, nor does it really matter what time of day it is when the entry is written. An entry of a journal is usually used to write about the most notable events that happened during the day, and most people update their journal in the evening when there is more time for personal affairs.
The mention of the perfume on his fingers made me wonder how he got perfume there. When had he touched his sister in a way that perfume would be left on his skin? Or had he handled his perfume bottles in her room? There is an implied intimacy between him and his sister that could use a bit more explanation.

April 5th: There are 2 sentences with ‘but’ close to each other. “My sister’s scream chilled my bones, but the silence scared me half to death. But I’d rather be a dead man running than live without her.” → Removing the second ‘but’ wouldn’t change the sentence, so it's unneeded.
There is also a second implication he and his sister are really close, but this intimacy isn’t really shown after this.

April 5th/6th: There is a bit of inconsistency with the rape. In the entry of april 5th, she said he was on time which implies nothing happened, but on april 6th the man explains quite detailed that he had, in fact, raped her.

There are no further entries about how his sister felt after the assault of the man, or his fate, or how she reacted to the news of her fathers passing. She could shed some light on the ambiguous assault/rape too.
This story could have used an additional entry about the main character informing his sister about what had happened in the throneroom and her reactions. Of course there was a word limit in this case, so I can understand why it was left out, but it is something I miss in this story. We know he cares about her, and if he cares enough to mention her perfume, it would be in-character to devote an entry about her reaction to the news he brought. The next thing we read about her is April 9th and then she’s already acting weird, according to the main character, so it feels we’re missing something important.

And for people who read this who had experience assault, attempted rape or rape, they often need closure when confronted with it in fiction, so an additional entry where it’s shown she really is okay and the perpetrator is punished would be helpful in that aspect. She was crying when it happened, she may have put on a brave face at that time, but it couldn’t have been easy for her to deal with.

April 9th: “So she'd challenge me to arm wrestling match” → It would be better if you’d add ‘an’ in this sentence. “to an arm wrestling match”.

November 3rd: “relying on my believers guidance” → are there more believers here, or are you referring to the guidance of the believer? Because believers is plural of believer, but if you want the second meaning, I think it should be believer’s. Or if it is meant as plural, believers'.

And “But how I could I feel satisfied when my sister had ran away from home last night and nobody has found her?” → Grammatically correct would be ‘had run’.

The ending, after he remembers the first enemy he killed, was a bit odd. It’s puzzling why he would write down the sneezing and the smelling of the familiar perfume. In the first part of the paragraph he still seemed coherent in his thoughts, so I don’t get the vibe of a rambling madman who writes down everything happening around him and every random thought that pops up.
My suggestion would be to use the earlier implied strong bond he has with his sister, let him ramble about how he misses her and that his mind is playing tricks on him because he can still smell her perfume…

Overall, the prompt was executed really good, we followed the man from being a hero to a madman and it was a nice touch doing it through journal entries.
The pacing was good, the sentences weren’t difficult to read and there was proof of a good vocabulary and writing skill at the same time. When people try to make themselves sound eloquent by using a lot of big words, the stories tend to be harder to read. It takes skill to get a perfect mixture vocabulary, making the story not too simple, but also not too hard to read. Well done.

My PSA

This one stands out as it’s the only one where no-one dies at the hands of the hero gone bad.

There’s one thing that caught my eye and that is this:
“ No single tears roll down porcelaine white cheeks” → tears is plural, but that doesn’t fit the word single. It would be better if you would either use ‘no tears roll down’ or ‘not a single tear rolls down’. And porcelain is without an 'e' at the end. Porcelaine is either French for porcelain or a breed of dog

Reading the first four paragraphs gave a different idea of the funeral than the last two. At first it wasn’t clear if there was anyone with Jenny of if she was the only daughter of a single dad, it was only revealed at the end there is a brother as well, and that it’s her aunt that reads the poem.
The information of the last paragraphs when Jenny thinks back to the funeral could be woven into the first part. It came across as an unnecessary repetition and I had to form a new image of the funeral that seemed to contradict the earlier. In the last paragraph it’s mentioned only she, her mother and her brother are there, whereas earlier there were people attending and gathering in the pub.

This story could benefit from showing emotions a bit more, when she thinks something that makes her angry she could grit her teeth, when she has a sad thought or feels powerless, a trembling hand or a clenched fist. It will help to make the story more emotional. At times it feels a bit distant.

You did a great job in making Malcolm a good person, although flawed, and it’s easy to sympathize with Jenny and her loss. Emphasizing on the drunk driving at the end could make it a little more devastating for the reader, but I did like how you ended the story with just two powerful words that explained a lot.

The Woman in Red

That is another kind of hero than the ones we’ve been reading about. Although it wasn’t easy to see she was a good person, a hero, going down the wrong path, which the prompt asked for.
Allowing the reader to see the motivation for going after this man would help with that, with the wicked grin in the beginning she looks like a huntress, not someone who seeks honest revenge.
At the end of the story we know she killed a man who did bad things, but it seems killing men is something she does more often, and with no more details about the other victims or if the murder of the bad man was the first or the last of her murders, it’s hard to see in what part of this story she was the hero and when she started doing bad things.

The story itself was good, it flowed well and the descriptions were good. There was one sentence that I think could be written differently to make it better.
“She strode-sauntered, rather, onto the dancefloor.” → the use of rather doesn’t seem to fit in this sentence and I’m not sure how to imagine ‘strode-saunter’. You could write “She strode, or sauntered rather, onto the dancefloor.” Or make it easier by just stating “She sauntered onto the dancefloor.”

RPGC #23: InGlorious - Discussion

I'm proofreading my feedback as often as I did for my entry And I'm feeling equally nervous about posting it, but it is done and I'll read it through a final time before posting it.

Hiya! I'm Sporko!

\o/ You're here! Welcome to the Roleplayersguild ^_^

The Rorie League, a Pokémon Trainer RP (always open for more players)

@Calle
I didn’t want to post so soon and let some of the others do so since I tend to dislike it when it’s suddenly just a couple people going back and forth, but I can make a post as I’d like to continue.

@KiwiHalcyon

I understand that, I've also been in RP's where people went back and forth and 10 posts were added overnight and that was annoying. Thanks for being considerate.

@Cio Your character is accepted, welcome to the RP :)
Everyone is still in Mesperit city, around or close to the harbour, so it'll be easy to jump in.

The Rorie League, a Pokémon Trainer RP (always open for more players)

I will mention everyone who has joined the RP so far.

@Dumb1And1Lazy, @Lord Orgasmo, @CaptainSully, @KiwiHalcyon, @Whirligig, @CitrusArms, @Salenea

Would you like to continue your adventures? It's okay if you're not, I only ask to see who is still an active and I want to assess what I have to do to get this RP going again.
I'm also not going to do a massive mention like this again, so don't worry about me spamming you with notifications. People are free to play or leave when they want, but if possible I would like a heads-up if someone would rather not participate anymore.

And a question for everyone: do you tend to read all posts that are made IC, or just the ones where you are mentioned in?