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April Flynn
Location: California Asylum for the Genetically Enhanced
Date: November 30th, 2028 - Evening
April would find herself in her own room at C.A.G.E. The room itself was as cozy as any room in a hospital setting could be with warm colors. April would have her own queen-sized bed, TV, and bathroom. Each room had power dampeners in it and they could be felt. There was a security camera in the main room that was on but could be turned off by staff for 15-minute increments.
Dr. Maeve Whitehall had finished a group counseling session as she made her way to the second floor to see April. She had read up on her file as well as Coulson’s additional notes on why he suggested April be petitioned here. Maeve had agreed that it would be best. April, on paper, seemed fine though there were underlying concerns. Nothing noteworthy and nothing that required additional security measures, but a standard therapy setting wasn’t going to cut it.
April would have been brought here, either voluntarily or not. Maeve was not made aware of that. Hopefully April would be open to discussing it.
Maeve knocked on the door to April’s room and entered. ”Hello April. I am Dr. Maeve Whitehall. I am a clinical therapist here at C.A.G.E. I imagine you have some questions or concerns which I am happy to address. Before we get started, can you tell me how you are feeling or if you are in any pain?”
April hadn’t been having the best of evenings. She had felt fine that morning - terrific, even, filled with energy and motivation - she’d had fun with her girlfriends, grabbed lunch with her besties, and had even spent some time soaking up a bit of winter sun. By the evening though, it was like a switch had flipped in her brain - all of that energy and excitement and joy had soured, turning into something more crippling, an incessant voice in her head reminding her that she was worthless, that she was unloved, that she would never amount to anything worthwhile - that if she became anything at all, it would be as a villain. Not as a hero.
The sorrow had been unbearable, an intense pressure weighing down on her, making it hard to breathe. In her frantic attempt to regain some control, she had gone to the school’s gym, sneaking into the pool. It was after hours, but April knew which door had a bad lock - she came here often when she was stressed, staring into the water - imagining what it would be like to let herself go and vanish beneath its surface. She’d left her phone behind in her dorm room, not a conscious decision to hide from the others, but one to that end nonetheless. Breathing hadn’t come easier at the pool, however - if anything, it was even harder, each inhale like choking down blood.
And as she stared at her reflection in the water, April hadn’t recognized the person looking back at her.
The person wore her face, yes. Her blue eyes, her dirty blonde hair, her glasses - she’d run out of contact solution earlier that day, and she hadn’t found a good moment to go get more. Her clothes, too - comfy sweats and a t-shirt, as she didn’t have to attend classes and wear the uniform anymore. Her skin, lightly freckled in spots with a bit of acne poking through.
But was it her? April didn’t know. It felt more like a mask she wore - a mask to hide something dark and growing within.
She’d been about to inhale a lungful of water when Headmaster Coulson came, alongside Ser Nemo and some others April hadn’t recognized. Her memory of what happened next was blurry, fuzzy - she’d been taken from the school, brought to this facility, without any real understanding of what was happening to her - maybe someone had said something, maybe they hadn’t. All she remembered was sitting in the back of an ambulance, hugging her knees to her chest, and thinking about how everything was so wrong - that none of this was how it was supposed to be.
Once at the facility, the fog that had overtaken her during the ride there had only increased, only spread. She couldn’t sense the water around her - couldn’t feel it gushing through the pipes, roaring through the building. It was like losing one of her primary senses - not being able to see or touch or hear or taste or smell - like losing a limb. April had heard about power dampening devices before - knew the cruelty they’d been used for against mutants… against people like her. But it was different to experience it for the first time - to feel the loss of something so intrinsic to herself.
A small part of her wondered if perhaps her grandfather had been right.
By the time the door opened to her room, April had shut herself in the bathroom, hugging her knees to her chest in the bathtub, fully dressed. The door was closed, but it didn’t lock. She had cried her eyes out, terrified and afraid - of herself, and of this place.
Did Dani and Dorian know where she was? Did her parents? Did Sabine and Leah? Did Mads? Her sister?
”I-I’m fine!” April pleaded, not making a move to leave the tub. ”There’s been some sort of, um, misunderstanding - I th-think. I’m - I’m not supposed to be here. My parents are SHIELD agents, they’re going to come and get me. I don’t know what the school thinks is going on, but I’m totally fine! I’m not… I’m not crazy, I promise. I’m not like - I’m not like the Scarlet Witch or Polaris or Quicksilver or Magneto - I’m - I’m just an ordinary girl. Can I leave now? Are my parents here yet? I think I would feel so much better if I just got to go home a-a-and maybe watch TV with my friends, I’m not… I’m not supposed to be here!”
Maeve expected this. Was prepared for it, though it never got easier. While some came willingly to C.A.G.E, others needed to be brought in, usually against their will.
”April, you and I both know you are not fine. And that isn’t a bad thing. I know it's cliche, but it is okay not to be okay. But you have to admit there’s something wrong if you have any desire to want to be better.”
Maeve moved one of the chairs closer to the door. ”Your parents have been made aware of your committal here. You can see them if you like. Your friends may or may not know. If you want we can inform them. You are allowed visitors during your stay here. Which is not going to be permanent, provided you help me out. So, can we please leave the bathroom and talk out here? We can even go somewhere else and talk, if you want. They have some good snacks in the cafeteria if you’re hungry.”
Admitting something was wrong with her, though… that was something April never wanted to do. It was a point of no return, a line crossed. If she admitted there was something wrong with her, then there would be something wrong with her. Denying it was easier, safer - denying it meant that it didn’t have to be real, that this familial curse didn’t have to be hers. She knew what her perfect life looked like - knew everything she wanted to accomplish, everything she wanted to achieve - she knew the exact sort of person she saw herself as in the next ten years. And this wasn’t part of that story. She didn’t want this to be her story.
She wanted to go home. She wanted to wake up and for all of this to be a bad dream. But.. it wasn’t a dream. It was real. She bit her lip, staying silent for several beats, before she swallowed, nodding slightly. The only way to convince them that she wasn’t crazy was to leave this room - to show them that they’d made a mistake.
But… as much as she wanted to deny it fully, she couldn’t. April knew, deep down, that she needed help.
She knew it was getting worse.
If this had been one of her friends, she would want them to get help. But it was so hard to say the words, so hard to admit it for herself.
Slowly, April stood up out of the tub, and nudged the bathroom door open with her toe. ”C-can… Can you tell Danni and Dorian?” she asked, avoiding eye contact. And the next request fell from her lips before she could even consider it, a request that surprised even April: ”And um… If my parents come to visit… Do I have to see them? I don’t… I don’t think I want to. N-n-not like this.” She then dried her eyes on the back of her sleeve, still trembling, still tempted to go back and hide.
”I won’t lie to you April. You do not have to see your parents if you do not want to, but as they are your legal guardians we do have to inform them of some of the things going on. That is more for decisions impacting your overall health though. When it comes to conversations like this and future ones, there is privacy. Confidentiality. Even within these walls I am obligated to ensure what we discuss stays between us. I can also inform Danni and Dorian if you would like. I am sure they would like to know where you are and how you are doing. Support like that is as good as any medicine.”
“So, April, can we talk a bit longer then? Do I have your permission to continue.” Maeve glanced up at where the camera was. ”I can also stop the camera from recording us if that would make it easier for you.”
April nodded. She didn’t know why, exactly, she didn’t want to see her parents here - maybe it was shame, fear that they’d be disappointed in her. She knew her mom had been in a place like this before, but her mom had never shared the details - had always changed the subject and avoided talking about those things. The only time mental health was really discussed was in relation to them - the famous villains in the family tree.
People that Danni and Dori didn’t see as villains.
”S-sure, we c-can talk about… about what, ex-exactly?” she stammered, still avoiding eye contact - still looking at everything that wasn’t the therapist. ”Th-th-there’s cameras?
Maeve nodded and stood up. She walked over to a small control panel by the door. She imputed a code and pushed a few buttons before she turned back to April and sat back down. ”There are cameras. For your security, purely, and the safety of everyone within these walls. But as we like to ensure moments like this are private we are, within our discretion, allowed to turn them off. I put it on an hour pause.”
“As for what we can talk about, let’s start with who you are April. I only know a brief bit about you, but perhaps you can tell me more about what makes you you. Or even talk to me about Doran and Danni. They must be very important if you are allowing them to visit compared to your parents.”
April shifted uncomfortably, holding her left arm with her right. She didn’t know if she should keep on standing, or if she ought to sit down - both options seemed wrong. And the question from Maeve, too, it surprised her. She thought Maeve would ask something like why are you crazy? or tell me about your childhood trauma (not that April really felt like she had any). Her family was her family. At the end of the day, they were mostly boring, the small house in the suburbs of Washington DC suffocating every time she had to return to it.
”Um… I…” April bit her lip. Why was this suddenly so hard? She’d talked about herself before - the teachers made them do icebreakers on the first day of class, and she was bubbly, sociable. But the thought of talking about herself to Maeve just made her heart pound faster and faster, like she was taking a quiz and didn’t know any of the answers. ”I-I like to read… and crochet things for my friends… A-and go surfing and hang out at the beach and stuff, c-c-cause I can kinda feel the water vibrating and it’s like one of those spider massage things for your head. I-I really like it at my school - it’s fun, most of the time, and th-that’s how I got to meet Danni and Dori - Danni and I had a class together as freshman, he almost set me on fire but I almost soaked him so it was, like, fair. And then we just kept on hanging out, him and Dori and me, a-and… they’re like brothers to me, y’know? I’m not really close with my sister, she’s really quiet and closed off and just shuts herself in her room, and our parents are super busy, so I would always leave the house and stay out as late as I could before curfew just to like - just to like do something a-and finding Danni and Dori was really great, because they’re so much fun a-and they always know what to do or say if I’m sad a-and they have all these cool stories from trips they go on with their family, Dorian’s dad is like a wizard, so they go to loads of cool places - my dad never lets me go with them though, he’s kinda protective that way - b-but at least I get to see them at school and we finally got through to the Contest of Champions but they aren’t on my team - or they might be they’re changing because of Arcade - but that really really sucked. L-like I wish I could have been on a team with them. Instead my sister got to be on their team and she’s a freshman and it really really sucks to see her get to do things with my friends but…I-is that what you wanted to know?”
Maeve nodded. ”Thank you for sharing April.” Maeve was a bit taken aback at the sheer volume of things April shared, compared to how they started this session. Maeve noted the comment about her sister and parents and could feel the emotions rising off of April. That was a tough subject. She would leave it alone for now.
”That does bring me to another point. The whole situation with Arcade. I know a bit about it, but from what I do know it must have been scary. How did you handle all of that?”
April shifted her weight again. She hadn’t really talked with anyone about what had happened with Arcade - about how she had stupidly put herself and others in danger, just to get some extra practice time in for the contest. They were extremely lucky no one had died - well, someone had died… She flinched, as the vivid memory of Andy dying by Vicky’s hand in the Legend of Zelda game came rushing back to her. And then each time they had ‘lost a life’ in the game, it had felt like agony - the pain had coursed through their bodies, as if they really were dying in that moment. April’s breathing sped up, shaky and unstable as more images, more memories flashed through her mind. The aftermath had been terrible too, Zelda had set her off, a full blown panic attack skyrocketing out of control due to a simple comment, not even one directed at her but rather at Arcade - she hadn’t been able to control her powers, she’d hurt her friends - if it hadn’t been for the Scarlet Witch some of them would have bled out.
Her jaw trembled as the haunting figure from the haunted house returned to her - the psychotic villain that April dreaded she would become. She hadn’t slept much over Thanksgiving break, because every time she closed her eyes, all of that would play over and over again. The deaths of everyone she knew and cared about. The time travel of it all didn’t even begin to factor into it - April didn’t remember a different timeline being erased. But she did remember Arcade nearly slaughtering them all. She remembered her fear. Her body had kept score.
April shook her head vehemently.
She couldn’t breathe she couldn’t breathe she couldn’t breathe.
Maeve moved quickly. She had seen panic attacks before; hell she had a few of them herself. She quickly grabbed both of April’s wrists and moved them in-between her legs. ”April, you are having a panic attack. I need you to lower your head down and take deep breaths. I am going to count to 5 and I want you to inhale for that long, then exhale for 5 as well, ok? You are safe. I’m going to start now. 1….2…..3…..4….5.” She moved her hands, keeping one on April’s shoulder as she faced the girl. Once April breathed in, Maeve counted back from 5. ”Keep this up April, you’re doing good. You are safe, I promise.”
April had no problem moving her head down - all she wanted in that moment was to curl into the tightest little ball imaginable. Her heart felt like it was going to explode, it was beating so quickly it was almost painful. It was a struggle to breathe in for five counts - somehow more challenging than running a marathon, it seemed - as she could just barely make it to three before she felt like her chest was about to burst, that she just needed to get more air in. Gods, she just wanted to be home at school - her mind flickered briefly to the school pool, where she had almost tried to drown herself the night before - and as horrible as it was, at least it would have made things stop. It wasn’t an easy process, but slowly she managed to inhale a little longer through her nose, exhaling a little longer through her mouth - she had no idea how much time had passed, maybe minutes or maybe hours, until the pounding in her chest felt like it had subsided slightly, and the ringing in her ears diminished. ”S-s-s-sorry,” April squeaked out, once she’d found her voice again. ”C-can we not talk about th-that? Th-the Arcade stuff?”
”That’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it now.” Panic attacks were often spontaneous and without warning. Anxiety attacks often had triggers. Once things calmed down, Maeve thought about it. ”I was wrong, also. It was an anxiety attack, not a panic attack. Similar, but I want to make sure I have it right. Does that happen often April?”
She really wanted to say no. April wanted to say that it never happened, that she was perfectly fine, and stuff like this just didn’t happen to her - that it was a fluke, a one-off. But it would have been a lie and she knew it. As much as she tried to pretend that everything was okay with her, that there wasn’t anything wrong, things like this did happen a lot. They happened more over the summers, but still occurred when she was in California for school. Less if Danni and Dorian were around, or her friends or girlfriends. But they happened. ”Y-yeah, um. I-it does. I - I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” April admitted softly, her eyes looking at the floor. ”I-I shouldn’t be like this. M-my life is fine, it’s great, I-I love my school, my friends. M-my girlfriends are so kind and sweet. I-I don’t have any, like, great big traumatic backstory elements to drop. So… I-I don’t kn-know.”
Maeve figured it was something like this. The writing was on the wall and she didn’t need to sense April’s emotions to figure it out. She debated how to play this.
Once she was satisfied April’s breathing was calmer and she was doing better, Maeve scooted herself back into her seat. ”April, can you look at me please?” She would wait until the girl looked up, not necessarily into her eyes, but close to it. ”There is nothing wrong with having anxiety attacks. It doesn’t make you weak, it doesn’t mean you are a bad person. It doesn’t mean you aren’t happy or that things in your life are all terrible. Lots of people experience them and it is normal. April, you are not all right and that is not a bad thing and it doesn’t make you a failure and I am sorry if you were ever made to feel otherwise. But from this point on I want you to try, to strongly try to think otherwise. If you have to remind yourself daily, then do so. Until then, I will remind you.”
“Oh and I am no longer accepting apologies for things you should not be apologizing for. Starting now.” Maeve’s words were light and warm. Sometimes clients needed a hard dose of reality, but it didn’t mean you couldn’t inject some heart into it.
It took a moment for April to raise her eyes, and make eye contact with Maeve. Somehow, even just that simple act was incredibly hard for her - like looking at the doctor in the eyes just made everything that was going on all the more real. Hearing what Dr. Whitehall had to say was even harder - it shouldn’t have been, she was saying it all with compassion and April knew that it was true, knew that it was right. It’s what she would have told her friends if they had said this to her, but for some reason, applying that same logic to herself was so much harder. Hell, she even knew her mother had been in a place like this before after her first husband passed away, and it didn’t make her mother any lesser to have needed help. So why couldn’t she apply it to herself? Why was there just this mental block in the way? Where did this need to be perfectly fine and not a bother to anyone else or an inconvenience because of her emotions come from?
”I… I’ll try,” April promised. ”A-a-and sorry - I’ll - agh, sorry, ugh, I will stop apologizing. Starting right now. I mean it. Sorry. Shit. Sorry! Can I swear here?”
Maeve let out a loud, uproarious laughter. ”Yes April, you can swear. I won’t tell anyone. In fact…” Maeve turned to the camera that was still off. ”Fuck you!”
She turned back to April. ”Well, I think we can call it here. I’ll let you get settled. They should be serving dinner soon if you want. I think it’s pizza today. And not that high school cardboard kind, no we sprang for the good stuff.”
“Also April, maybe get to know some of the other kids here. You might be surprised how similar you are to them. I know they would love to meet you. And I’ll let Danni and Dorian know you’re here. But if you need me, just ring for one of the nurses and they’ll come grab me, okay?”
April was completely shocked for a moment, seeing a grown-up with a professional, important job that required years of study turn to the camera and curse. She’d never seen an important, professional adult swear before. None of her teachers swore. Her parents didn’t swear in front of her. Her grandparents (her mom’s parents, of course) didn’t swear in front of her. But as soon as the shock registered, it quickly turned into an honest giggle. ”... Thank you, Dr. Whitehall.” She had a feeling she was going to really like Maeve - and for a brief moment, being here didn’t seem too bad.
