Retired

Absolute Comics - Season Two: The Monster Within

Titans take a stand against alliteration Monday.

Or, for Bounce specifically, Titans Tuesday.

Absolute Comics - Season Two: The Monster Within

Manhattan, New York City | Five Days Ago

---

^{Chapter One | Part Two}

Elijah watched as the girl spun around, her bright red hair seemed alive as it whipped around with her excited movements. She scanned the room, pausing briefly on each new, alien object as she took in her new home.

It wasn't much, Eli knew. A warehouse on the docks he had known to be abandoned for years, its doors locked tight until today. Maybe 2000 square feet at the most, the interior was largely barren. Several empty crates scattered about, discarded scraps, and the used mattress Eli had brought over the previous night in preparation were all that remained.

"It is so..." She paused, considering which word of this new language best fit. "Spacious. Are all Earth dwellings like this?"

Eli's lips twitched up into a half-smile. After spending all that time in her space pod, I guess this really does seem huge in comparison.

"Nah," he told her, "this isn't even a house. It's meant to store things. Usually for big companies or shipping magnates. Or the mafia, maybe."

"Mafia?" She looked at him inquisitively.

"Nevermind."

As the girl floated up into the air to observe the rafters above, he thought back to everything she had told him in the past forty hours.

Her name was Koriand'r. Starfire, she had informed him after screwing up the pronunciation twice, was the approximate English translation. She was from the planet Tamaran, somewhere in the Vega system, though that meant nothing to Eli. She hadn't provided a lot of details about this next part, but there had been some sort of civil war on her world. In the chaos of fleeing, her escape craft had been damaged and knocked off course, trapping her inside. She was uncertain of how long it had been, but the distance traveled suggested an amount of time that was sickening to even consider. It had only been sheer luck that her trajectory took her close enough to Earth's orbit to be pulled in.

Eli could only imagine the trauma such an experience would have on someone. To be not only completely isolated while hurtling through space with little hope of rescue, but to also have seen her homeworld be consumed by war. And, although she had not said anything, he got the sense that Koriand'r had lost someone before her escape. Yet, he noted, she seemed... bubbly.

"I'm sorry there isn't anything here for you right now." Eli glanced at the meager mattress that would serve as her cot. "And I know it isn't the most comfortable place in the world, but it's only temporary. I'll try to find someplace else for you."

"It is wonderful, Elijah. Please, do not worry." Koriand'r glided back down through the air to land before him. "Your kindness brings me much joy. I will be very happy here."

"I'm glad," he said, "but still, I promise I'll do better for you."

Her smile brightened. "And you will visit, yes?"

"Of course. Every day. I've got school and all most of the week, and some martial arts classes, but other than that I'll be here. You're new to this world, I'm not just gonna leave you out to dry."

The golden-skinned girl's face scrunched up. "I do not understand. I am not wet, why would you dry my person?"

Elijah momentarily felt his face flush slightly as he caught her puzzled expression, her absurdly beautiful features forming into an adorable frown. "No, uh. It's just an expression. A figure of speech. It means I won't abandon you. I'll be right by your side."

"Oh!" Koriand'r floated closer towards him, letting her hands fall onto his shoulders as she smiled once more. "I would very much like that."

* * *

Present Day

---

"Well, what do you think?" He looked at Koriand'r expectantly. "I'll be right by your side the whole time."

She pursed her lips, her gaze drifting downwards towards her clasped hands. Having now spent the majority of each day for an entire week with her, Eli knew she was thinking intently. Not that it would have been difficult to figure out anyway, as he had come to discover that alien facial expressions and mannerisms were not all too different from a human's.

"It will be safe?" Koriand'r asked, her eyes raising to meet his. "My presence will not draw suspicion nor endanger you?"

Elijah hesitated before answering. What he was asking of her wasn't a simple task and he wanted to make sure he provided her with every relevant detail and honest answer that he could.

"I mean, there's gonna be risks, sure. I've got no personal experience with this sort of thing, but what we'd be doing wouldn't exactly be legal. And there's always a chance someone could get hurt. But it's worth it. I think we could make a real difference. Do some good."

"And," he added after a moment, "I can take care of myself."

I hope. Elijah let that brief thought of doubt echo around his mind for only a second before shaking it off. He may not be as capable as his new alien friend, but he had trained for years with the expectation of enlisting one day. It was dangerous, he knew, but Eli was confident in his abilities. And, given his mother's position on the military, this may be his best chance of serving his country. Even if he had to break the law to do so.

For months he had watched news coverage of various masked individuals rising to prominence in cities all across the country, and even the globe. Vigilantes using their enhanced abilities and sheer willpower to stand up for what was right. To save people. To put an end to evil injustices just as his grandfather once had seventy-five years ago. As his uncle had after the War on Terror began. And now, here was this powered individual who had practically been sent to him from the sky above. Eli couldn't just sit back and do nothing while knowing there was a role he could play. And, he suspected, neither could Koriand'r.

She stood suddenly to her full, statuesque height. Right fist clenched before her chest and eyes flashing with excited passion. "I watched as my home was consumed in conflict by those with evil thoughts and desires. I may not be of this world, but I wish to help prevent it from the same horrors my planet suffered. Yes!" She proclaimed. "I will join you! I will be this hero you speak of."

Elijah joined her on his feet, pumping his fist in victory. It would be a difficult journey, he was sure, but together he felt they could succeed.

"Great," he told her. "Then today we go on a test run. Just get you used to being out in the city."

Eli paused, looking Koriand'r over from head to toe. "But, first, I've gotta grab you some clothes that won't stand out."

Absolute Comics - Season Two: The Monster Within

I don't want to say how many times I had to edit that OOC post...

@Hound55

I was watching. I counted three.

Absolute Comics - Season Two: The Monster Within

Well, this critique stuff is new and exciting! I’m slightly too terrified to ask for a review of my own though lmao

@Ceta de Cloyes

You can always ask for a private one if you want. I promise I don't bite.

But, I think healthy critiquing, when requested, can only serve to help us as writers and RPers moving forward. Which subsequently aids the game in thriving. Besides, this is clearly just a marketing ploy to convince more people to review my own posts.

_{Also, Nate was slacking on his reviewing duties.}

Absolute Comics - Season Two: The Monster Within

@Roman

As requested in the Discord. This is for your first post.

Alrighty, so, the first thing that stands out to me is your exposition. While there are some syntax errors here and there, it's pretty minor and doesn't detract from the writing all that much. Overall, I really enjoy your exposition, and I can see and appreciate how you're using it to explore's Matt's world through his senses. Well done on that regard.

I do think, though, that you need to work on dividing your paragraphs. There are a handful throughout this post that are too long and verge on blocks of text. Both in exposition and dialogue - the latter primarily when Karen is debriefing Matt. Just simply finding a natural break point and separating them would help keep your writing nice and fluid, and would only enhance your use of exposition.

Speaking of dialogue, while I think Matt's initial voice isn't quite there, I'm sure you find a better footing in that regard later on. Right now it just feels, not bland, but neutral to me. If that makes sense. However, I absolutely love your Foggy. I can tell you're modeling him after the Netflix series, and I can absolutely hear Elden Henson's voice as I read his lines. My favorite part of your post, actually. Your voice for Matt is also improved here, I feel. When you write him with Foggy he seems to come more alive.

Honestly, I debated giving your post a like when I initially read it last week. I can't quite recall why I didn't. I think, perhaps, Matt's initial dialogue. Or maybe I was just being petty and sticking to the joke that I hate you (I don't). Either way, that's been rectified now.

Looking forward to reading the rest of your stuff for this season.

Absolute Comics - Season Two: The Monster Within

@Retired Do my posts whenever you have the time, please.

@Star Lord

Alright, so. Overall, I appreciated that you used this post to focus on exposition and introducing us to several of the characters. The only thing I would say about your exposition is that I would have liked some regarding Keast's mission, the committee, and subsequent rumors. Your post seemed to fall apart here because you suddenly lacked any exposition after providing it for other concepts and people introduced earlier. I also would have liked to see a little more introspection on Diana's part after being given this news, get some insight into how she's taking this news other than she had hoped it wasn't true.

I think you need to work on separating your dialogue a bit. While not always the case, when you have actual dialogue followed by a hefty amount of exposition or introspection immediately followed by more dialogue from the same person, it often works best to place the secondary dialogue in a new line. If that makes sense. It flows infinitely better and doesn't detract from the writing when this is done. You don't always have to do this, but for the occasions where there are heavier pieces splitting the dialogue of one individual, it reads easier.

Primarily, I think my biggest take away from your writing, however, is the repetition of wording. And, to a lesser extent, how sometimes your sentence structure can read awkwardly. Generally, when choosing diction, you don't want to have the same exact word show up two or more times in very rapid succession unless otherwise unavoidable/necessary. It really pulls someone out of the moment. Likewise, when your syntax doesn't flow as well, it can cause a reader to break out of the narrative, which you obviously don't want. Both of these are easily solved, though. And this is something I can't stress enough for everyone here: read your posts. More than once, and not just as you're writing it.

As soon as you're finished, read the entire thing, and do it out loud. When you edit and proofread solely within your head, your mind can skip over and self-repair mistakes, causing them to go unnoticed. But when you audibly go through your writing, these issues stand out very blatantly. And when you edit it, go through again until you no longer make any edits. This will legitimately solve the vast majority of issues people have when writing. Anything you go through while reading out loud and you stumble on, or you catch yourself wondering if that sounds okay, or it seems to break up the sentence structure in an unintended way, take a moment to reword things. This can dramatically enhance the flow of your writing.

Please, you and everyone else reading this, do this every single time. Some of you know you should, and don't - looking at you @Lord Wraith. Even if you're not looking to directly improve your writing, and you're just wanting to translate the concepts in your head into actual words, still do this. How your writing flows and how natural it comes across are extremely important for how your audience enjoys your stories.

Absolute Comics - Season Two: The Monster Within

<Snipped quote by Retired>

Give my posts the thrashing of a lifetime right here in the OOC, chief.

@Simple Unicycle

Now, I want to stress that this isn't meant in any malicious way. And I am absolutely not calling you a bad writer. I want to make sure you know that. That being said, honestly... I didn't like this post. Everything felt off to me.

The dialogue didn't feel natural to me. It felt like you were forcing it. I didn't get a sense that you were letting the characters speak for themselves, which, ideally, is what you want when writing. The taunting, especially, felt forced to me.

I don't think you gave the setting, nor Eric's introspection, proper time or care. Much like commentary I gave someone else today, things felt far too rushed. There was no real build-up, no development. It was just "bam bam bam" this happened, then that happened, etc. Which, depending on the nature and content of a post, could absolutely work. But, for this, I don't feel that it did. I really took me out of the narrative.

Especially the transition from the phone call to the sudden attack. I was left feeling "really, this is happening?" instead of "oh, shit, this is happening." If you catch my drift.

There were no real descriptions here. Now, I'm not saying you want to go all Tolkien and spend five pages describing the surrounding hills, but even some minimalist descriptors of things as they're introduced would be appreciated. You don't need to do this for everything, as that's an overcorrection, but, for instance, I would have liked to read about Eric's room a bit before it's destruction purely so that way I could better see the events unfurling. Or brief comments on his weaponry's appearance and significance - things that will be with us for the entirety of your story, and we will be seeing a lot of. Just painting a picture for your audience so they can see the scene in their mind's eye is incredibly helpful when laying out a post.

The combat aspects were slightly awkward, though mostly for their redundancy.

And, mainly, there was practically no exposition on things that, I think at least, are central to your narrative. Like, you introduce the audience to the term 'hunter' and, while certainly much of that is obvious, you don't provide any information on what exactly it means to be someone who hunts down supernatural beings. There's no information on why people know to call Eric about a potential job nor the presence of the password. Yes, conclusions can be drawn, and, yes, subtext is a thing, but it's also important for you to give some real exposition here and there. I'm not saying provide it all at once, certainly, save things to be explored later, but you can give bits and pieces as you go along. I feel that doing this will dramatically improve your writing.

I do have to give you some credit for taking on a first-person perspective. That's definitely not easy, especially in these games, and while I'm not sure how it'll pan out, I will respect the courage that takes as it does make certain things, such as exposition, slightly more difficult to incorporate in a fluid manner.

I also am interested in seeing how you explore and build out the world of the supernatural here. Which, again, is why exposition is really helpful. Blade is an interesting character, and there is so much that the supernatural underworld has to offer. I look forward to seeing how you flesh it out moving forward.

Absolute Comics - Season Two: The Monster Within

I'll offer this here as well since, I think, not everyone is in the Discord:

If anyone here wants me to give them commentary and feedback on their posts, primarily what did and didn't work for me, nothing technical this go-around, then tell me here. I'm currently on the first page of the IC, but I do intend to read everything before the end of the season. Several of you have already told me you'd like said feedback, but to anyone who hasn't, if you'd like me to just tell me if you prefer it privately or publicly. Anyone who doesn't ask for it specifically will not get any feedback. I'll also go back through the posts I've read, which is most of the first page and give feedback on those, and not just future ones.

That said, anyone who has commentary and feedback on my posts, I'd love any of substance you can spare the time to offer. You can do so publicly here or in the Discord, I don't mind. Particularly stuff that put you off, if any.

Absolute Comics - Season Two: The Monster Within

If only one tenth of the effort of OOC sass, went into IC content, you could help provide a single Australian man, starving for entertainment today, while he struggles through the drudgery of work.

Please. Give generously.

@Hound55

Single you say? Maybe @Lord Wraith can hook you up with a steamy Thor Batman Beyond sex scene. _{Featuring elderly Bruce Wayne, because I think Terry's a minor.}

Absolute Comics - Season Two: The Monster Within

<Snipped quote by Retired>

You know, I'd say something to the effect of "I feel so attacked right now", but I know it's true.

@Simple Unicycle

Funny. I feel attacked every time I have to read one of your posts.