shylarah

The Last Embers (Dark Steampunk/Fantasy)

@The Angry Goat Mine tend not to change quite that much...but I do find their concepts grown and expand as they see use in different places. I think the most dramatic changes come when I play them at different ages, but this time around Amune, my Seer girl, is having serious trouble whereas in all other settings she's managed to find training before reaching adulthood. Not knowing how to control her magic and having it affect her to the point where she's not sure what is and isn't real has seriously damaged her confidence, and it's kinda fun.

The Last Embers (Dark Steampunk/Fantasy)

@Lovejoy RAgnar's a groupie in general. A smol, adorbs groupie.

The Last Embers (Dark Steampunk/Fantasy)

@vietmyke Gotta love when the character starts deciding things for themself, instead of listening to direction.

@Lovejoy You and Viet both, what a marvelous kick in the feels. <3

The Last Embers (Dark Steampunk/Fantasy)

@vietmyke I know Drakey is lurking about. It's difficult for him to get online consistently, but he does try. I'm worried about Sisyphus, though.

Given what's been said by Love, I'm guessing either autopilot or DM adoption, most likely some combination thereof.

Intrigue in the Fifth City - A Fallen London RP

@Lady Selune *snugs*

RPGC #16: It takes two... - Voting and Critique

@AngelofOctober

response

Hmm. Perhaps. I gave indications that she was upset and under pressure, and Nev had Edric display obvious concern that became uncertainty when dealing with the other half of a shaky relationship. The best choice here would probably be to lay groundwork ahead of that scene -- ah, the difficulties of limited space. I suppose cutting away the mask of Leia's view of Edric would give the reader more insight as well. That worked in the moment but less so as a story.

I am going to say that just because it's not clear what emotion Edric feels to Leia should not negate the fact that he's obviously feeling something, and strongly. Betrayed is a good possibility (why would he be so worked up if he wasn't? Also his words, asking if she lied). Anger is possible, either at her or at others -- the circumstances that landed her there. I'm coming up dry on other possibilities, but I am surprised that Leia's failure to identify what he feels removes all the emotion from the scene. This could be a matter of stylistic preference and interpretation.

However they were not the only relationship being shown; in fact they were one of two -- possibly three or four, depending on how much you picked up about Illiachen the sword and how you count the Edric/Duncan plus Amune grouping. Edric/Leia is a contrast to the other dynamics. They trust and count on despite certain events, and while they do work together well and there is loyalty there, it's a very different kind.

*scratches head* There's a lot of things I'd like to do differently with the piece. Drawing more direct parallels would be one, I think. A clearer comparison would do a lot.

I saw a lot of flexibility in this prompt and wanted to play with it. I might have pushed the story to include more than we really had the time to focus on.

RPGC #16: It takes two... - Voting and Critique

@AngelofOctober

response

Hmm. I saw it more as being about the way they interact, but you're right. I already had an emotional connection the the characters in the story Nev and I wrote; outside readers do not and thus while I can read more things into it, you guys can't. If I'd had more time, or heard this beforehand, there's definitely ways I could improve it.

Of course, there's also the fact (as is mentioned later) that she was the inquisitor that tortured him for a period of a few months...but again, that's not said at the beginning, making things confusing.

So I will agree with you, we definitely need to remember what the audience knows and not try to hard to reveal it all later on.

For Edric's entrance, the idea is "you're not letting people in but I'm important here, you'll make an exception", instead of "I'll break down the door." He's upset and angry, but these are people he knows, friends.

Leia is not as emotive as Edric. She's composed, in most situations. She prefers to keep her cool. But she's also been a commanding and even threatening figure (and granted, I didn't pull that off well to start) but the idea was more seeing her reduced. You quoted /his/ perspective, not hers. She's not uneasy; she's resigned and leaning towards withdrawn. She expects execution. She snaps because she's under a lot of stress and it's wearing her control down, but she immediately backs off and apologizes. There's indication that she was upset enough to cry, but the evidence is almost gone -- she got herself back under control and tried to concealed weakness.

This relationship is not an easy one, and it's not one either of them understands well. There's a lot of mixed signals, and a lot of head vs. heart. It's actually a relationship still in the formative stages, instead of one where they've been together for years.

A lot of your critique makes a lot of sense, but I seem to be zeroing in on the parts that don't fit right to me as a writer; apologies. It's that kind of a night, I guess. And you're giving good critique.

I think what I take away from this overall is to be more careful about the narrative flow, and remember the audience and what they do and don't know.

However, I also take away that the starting scene did some of what was intended. There was an initial punch and then confusion -- which was part of the point. That entire situation is a mess and most of the chars only have a fraction of the pieces. Just need to tighten it up and keep the other points in mind.

<3

By the way, you are indeed in good company on the autism front. *waves*

The Last Embers (Dark Steampunk/Fantasy)

@Lovejoy And Hassan? Oh yeah, the fun and games pair. *amused*

The Last Embers (Dark Steampunk/Fantasy)

@vietmyke I ship it. <3 Honestly those two are kinda cute together, but I cuold see it being platonic or romantic, and either way it's still adorable.

RPGC #16: It takes two... - Voting and Critique

@AngelofOctober I'm more than interested in hearing your opinions of the story Nev and I submitted (or why bother submitting it, eh?) And certainly I have no compunction about responding to commentary. I don't believe I ever saw your review, so yes please post it again.

and I didn't vote either. O.o