Kind of nervous about this...

[Kyuki]

Hey! So this is actually really hard to do. Partly because I know sometimes Spam can be the worst place to come to in your darkest times. But, with that said. It can also be one of the best places to come to.

Anyway, there is a lot people here don't know about me. But this particular thing I am so tired of holding it in. I just want to scream about it constantly... I am constantly feeling angry and I have no one to talk to about it for the most part. Because it is either too hard for my family to talk about or the fact that I am being forced to keep it somewhat a secret... So I'm telling you guys this because I am not okay right now.

Here goes....

Read if you wish

So most of you who do know somewhat about me know that I started university last year at the young-ish age of seventeen. Well I know I talked about how great some things were but to be completely honest they were anything but. A few months into the academic year... I became close with my roommate and started hanging out with her friends. Time went by and everything was going okay until things went sour. They would just do stupid shit like start rumors and stuff, in the beginning. But things were escalating as the year went on. The first major thing they did (Well four out of seven of them) was steal my clothes while I was in the shower and block the door so I couldn't get out of the bathroom. For about a half hour I begged them to let me out before exiting through my suite-mates room. Of course, barely decent only covered by a towel.... I reported it to Public Safety and by the time everything had settled and I was allowed to gather my own clothing it was around 6:45ish in the morning?... I had an 8AM class... After that I didn't sleep in my room and just slept anywhere I could whether it was in another persons room or a lounge... I figured I would let my roommate have the space and I'd just use it to store my things. (Basically I gave in) So anyway, a little while after this happened... My roommate got talked to by the assistant director of resident life. She was told her boyfriend (who had already been found guilty of filming a sexual assault that occured on-campus earlier that year) was no longer allowed in our space. Of course this infuriated them... So her boyfriend decided to wait for me in the room one morning and pinned me against a wall and threatened me... stating that I basically was going to regret reporting them to the university. So a few weeks passed after that encounter. Rumors flew around about me like wildfire. Then the Friday night beginning Spring Break... a friend of theirs came to my door and of course this was the one night I was actually spending in my own room because my rooommate had already departed for break and I was staying an extra night to give a campus tour... Well anyway. He knocked several times and when I finally opened the door to see what he wanted... The door wasn't open but maybe a foot? Before he forced his way in and sexually assaulted me...violating me for the third time mind you,,,, The other two times were just irrelevant to my break down tonight.. So at this point I was terrified of them and what they were capable of and started commuting from New Jersey to Pennsylvania for school. Never reported it. (Which was my first mistake) But anyway, I survived the remainder of the semester only being told that the majority of campus was told I was pregnant from working my "night job" and that was why I was commuting. So really minor in comparison to anything else they had come up with. Summer time came and I was officially home and thought I was safe... Until early June I discovered a Tumblr page devoted to me that talked about all of these supposedly awful things I had done during the year and it even had a nice little section for people to trash me... Which really I enjoyed that bit the most. So basically my mom called the university since their name was listed all over the page and it was obvious that these students were involved. And because the cops said they couldn't do anything at the time... Report was filed. The end. Nothing happened. Then a few weeks later I started getting a crazy amount of friend requests from guys I didn't know. Some old some young and some with dogs as their profile pictures... So I thought it was strange but figured it was nothing. Until I got home from work that night and discovered messages from several of them talking about pictures they had seen of me on a site and how they wanted to hook up, and etc. The one fellow went as far as talking about what car I drove and where I worked and how it would be a perfect spot for a quick bang.... So of course the constant mention of pictures and another site I googled myself and discovered one of them created a porn profile devoted to me with pictures from my facebook ranging from 15th birthday photos to current photos. The "About me" read "Slutty college student came into her first year of college, trying to play the innocent card. Until me and my buddy gangbanged her and she dropped the act just begging for more" and that is only a small portion of it... (Insert first mental break) The cops were called and basically the only thing that occured was a report being filed. They couldn't make any arrest or things like that because they weren't able to get an IP to track.... So yet again I'm just left to go on living life... Then they called my work continuously under a blocked number looking for me until I was the one to answer the phone at which point they told me "We know you called the cops bitch. Watch yourself." (Total PLL shit, right? I mean they could have attempted to be original.) And about two weeks after that I got a phone call from a blocked number on my cell while I was in Disney World saying "Enjoy my present for you" Again, Cops were called. Report was filed. Blah blah blah. Went to drive my car to work after I got back from vacation and discovered a cut brake line. (Well I didn't find it but when my car went berserk and wouldn't stop until it just shut off the mechanic from AAA found it) So after all of this I decided to not return to that particular school... And filed a formal complaint against the university. Problem I didn't realize was that I would be interviewed by and officer about everything that had happened which lead to me having to share with an officer and several faculty members of the university, the details of my assault.

Basically to finish this up quick... I started at another university and not two weeks into the year they found me. Then just the other night (All seven of them) proceeded to assault me until I was bleeding on the ground with no way to get help for myself. (Public safety discovered me on one of their "rounds") So I've decided to withdraw from school. And just today after waking up screaming for the millionth time from nightmares this morning I broke down. I called my mom and told her goodbye. Sent a text message out to several people and was almost 95% sure I was going to die today.. And honestly I think the only reason I didn't was because my mom somehow found me... So I know none of you probably care but I am coming here because I have nowhere else to vent. My family is angry with me and I have no friends because my only "friend" has decided she is better off being friends with the man who raped me. I don't know what I want out of posting this. Or if I even want anything... Nothing really matters to me that much right now.

[idlehands]

Jesus. Get away from all of them. Report it to the police. I know it's hard, especially if you feel alone and backed against the wall. There is help out there and it might not be much of a comfort but you are stronger than this and you will get past it. Your family should be ashamed of not taking your side but that is on their conscious. Please press charges against those that assaulted you.

[mdk]

I hope you've done this already, and I'm sure you don't need a stranger to nose in and tell you what to do, but on the off-chance it can help.... get help right the fuck now. I found a handful of numbers (2) (3) that offer actual professional personal help for people just like you. Because there are people just like you, and you're worth helping. I don't even want to hold you up with more text -- get in touch with somebody in a goddamn hurry.

[Rare]

I agree with mdk and idlehands, get help right away and report to your local police right away. Press charges, give out names of the guys, anything that you know tell to the officers. Your family and friends should be ashamed of themselves and not help you at all. I just going to say this: I hope that you're going to be fine and please go to the police ASAP.

[TheMusketMan]

mdk said
I hope you've done this already, and I'm sure you don't need a stranger to nose in and tell you what to do, but on the off-chance it can help.... I found () () that offer actual professional personal help for people just like you. Because there are people just like you, and you're worth helping. I don't even want to hold you up with more text -- get in touch with somebody in a goddamn hurry.

[2]

I know we're just people on the internet that goof off most of the time, but if you need help, to talk to anyone, at all, we're here. I'm not even gonna pretend I know what you're going through, but please get help. There are amazing people here that I'm sure will be more than willing to talk to you. Like Idle said report it, don't stay quiet about it, if you don't fight back those fuckers are winning. It can be dangerous, but if you keep quiet, they win. And everyone here at spam, EVERYONE, has got your back.

[aza]

Im quite literally stunned out of being able to form words that make the coherent sense things.

[Cpt Toellner]

Don't give them the satisfaction of knowing you died because of what they did, live a full, happy life and be better than them.

It's the greatest insult you could possibly make.

[Kyuki]

idlehands said
Jesus. Get away from all of them. Report it to the police. I know it's hard, especially if you feel alone and backed against the wall. There is help out there and it might not be much of a comfort but you are stronger than this and you will get past it. Your family should be ashamed of not taking your side but that is on their conscious. Please press charges against those that assaulted you.

My thing is... I am terrified of going to the police to report it because there is no telling what they would do at that point. (Which has been my constant fear in all of it) There is always a next with them. I /always/ have to wonder what is going to happen next.

mdk said
I hope you've done this already, and I'm sure you don't need a stranger to nose in and tell you what to do, but on the off-chance it can help.... I found () () that offer actual professional personal help for people just like you. Because there are people just like you, and you're worth helping. I don't even want to hold you up with more text -- get in touch with somebody in a goddamn hurry.

Thanks and please nose in all you want. You. A stranger. Has shown more support in this post than any of my supposed "friends" did while this was all occuring on campus. I went to the counseling center and res life before the assault occurred and told them I felt like I was being tortured... and nothing was ever done. My counselor told me I was overreacting and res life told me to commute. Meanwhile my "friends" were telling me to stop being a bitch and stop being so emotional, and etc.

Rare said
I agree with mdk and idlehands, get help right away and report to your local police right away. Press charges, give out names of the guys, anything that you know tell to the officers. Your family and friends should be ashamed of themselves and not help you at all. I just going to say this: I hope that you're going to be fine and please go to the police ASAP.

I wasn't going to press charges but I have been considering it more and more lately. Like I said before though... I'm afraid of the what-if

Azarthes said
I quite literally stunned out of being able to form words that make the coherent sense things.

:3

Cpt Toellner said
Don't give them the satisfaction of knowing you died because of what they did, live a full, happy life and be better than them.It's the greatest insult you could possibly make.

I just wish I could actually live a happy life. Seems like whenever I start to feel okay again I have days like this.

[Walker of Darkness]

There is nothing I can say that has not already been said. I will spare you any empty repeats of condolences. I will simply say what I feel I should.

Lower your head, and charge forward. They have made themselves as less than human, and are not to be feared, but punished. Would it not make it worse for you, I would take their blood upon mine hands.

Bring them to task, and let them suffer your pain one thousand fold. In your defiance of their fear mongering you will find your courage, with each step of your charge becoming more sure. Do not falter, do not wain. Let them fear the reprisal the have brought to themselves, for you should not abide inaction.

[mdk]

Thanks and please nose in all you want. You. A stranger. Has shown more support in this post than any of my supposed "friends" did while this was all occuring on campus.

It's a shitty situation, and people don't handle such things well. This is a useless platitude but don't worry about what they think -- what they say, what they do, what they know, how they act, people are complicated and, right now, irrelevant. The only thing that matters is you. No matter what it takes, endure. You're allowed to be an emotional bitch :). Just don't give up. Ever. Take care of yourself..... weather changes, storms go away, and the sun is beautiful.

[Derpestein]

My fucking word.
Just. Just.
._.
And I thought my faith in humanity couldn't be lower. Dickwads. The lot of them.

Where is my virtual hugs machine? I need to teleport and give you the biggest hug ever right now.

All this has probably been said before but:
Don't give them the satisfaction of knowing you took your own life, even if you're thinking about doing it. I don't know much about police stuff and the like, but talk to the police. Bring it up with whatever friends you can find when you think you're ready. Get support from the numbers MDK sent.

If all your friends deserted you, they're dicks and don't deserve you. ._.

Here is the biggest online hug I have ever given.

[Halo]

Kyuki, you have to continue reporting what's happening. If it has gone this far, it's unlikely to stop by itself. It's better to have the cops on your side, at least. If you don't report it at the time, there's no record of it and they literally cannot do anything. As hard as it is to open up to a complete stranger about everything that's happened to you, you need to report each new thing to them as soon as you can and thus keep an accurate, documented log of the awful shit that's been happening to you. And then, when the fucking bastards slip up, you'll have them, and all the evidence you could possibly have gathered. You can even carry a voice recorder on you, to capture any further incidents. In the meantime, you can get support from the places MDK mentioned. Again, I know it feels you're just going to antagonise these sick people by looking for help, but the exact same people you're going to have all the experience in the world in dealing with cases like this - and in the end, they're probably more powerful and influential than these cunts. They can support you and advise you; they will be on your side, and that's what you need. These people are trying to isolate you because you can't fight them alone. Don't let them.

Most importantly, please, do not end your life. There is an end to this. There's no knowing exactly when or on what terms that will be, but it will come. You're ridiculously smart, Kyuki, you could have gone to fucking Princeton when you were just seventeen. You will survive, you will heal, and you will live a good life, and you will contribute so much more to society and to the people around you, whoever is lucky enough to have you care for them, than these people ever will. Your future is bright enough to be worth tolerating this darkness. You're worth it; believe that, believe in yourself. Now I sound like a cheesy musical, but it's true.

And don't ever be afraid of talking to us. When we fight, it's about the stupidest shit and nobody really means it all that much. Anything serious, and we will all band together. You're one of us; we might not be able to do much practically, but we will always support our own if we can. I think I comfortably speak for almost everyone in saying that.

[Gwazi Magnum]

I will be totally honest, those people seriously make me want to go over there and mercilessly beat them all to a pulp.

I also have to echo what everyone else is saying, get support from the numbers mdk provided. Call the police about this, the very reason those people are threatening you for calling the Police is because they know the Police can stop them from doing it. They're trying to scare you away from beating them, don't let them trick you. And above all else, do not kill yourself over this. Not only do you have a full life to live, not only would doing so be letting those people win, but you are better than them. Don't let them ruin your life, this may be the hardest fight in your life but it is a fight that you need to fight, it is a fight you cannot afford to lose, and I'm sure everyone here (me included) are here for you whenever you need it.

And also, if you ever need to talk or vent more about this my PM box is always open. And no this is not the typical "Here's my best hopes, talk to me if you need it" thing, if you need to talk or vent then by all means talk and vent as much you need to.

[Antarctic Termite]

Azarthes said I quite literally stunned out of being able to form words that make the coherent sense things.

.

Halo said You will survive, you will heal, and you will live a good life, and you will contribute so much more to society and to the people around you, whoever is lucky enough to have you care for them, than these people ever will. Your future is bright enough to be worth tolerating this darkness. You're worth it; believe that, believe in yourself. Now I sound like a cheesy musical, but it's true.

!!

[Hank]

Are concealed carry permits a thing where you live?

[Beatrix]

Hank said
Are concealed carry permits a thing where you live?

[2]

[Aragorn]

I...uh...
*Throws microphone down on the ground in rage.*
There isn't much to say that hasn't already been said. Don't die. If you die, you won't get the satisfaction of watching those fucks get taken away in a cop car. Revenge will come. Trust me.

[Dervish]

This was the last thing I expected to wake up to this morning. I wish I had words of wisdom or comfort, but I am coming up short, especially in light of what the others have said. You aren't alone here, in this community. We all stand with you, and I know we will all do whatever we can to support you in these dark days. We really do care, and while we may be far away and may never meet you, we stand with you and will be truer than the people who failed you. Stay strong.

[Kyuki]

Walker of Darkness said
There is nothing I can say that has not already been said. I will spare you any empty repeats of condolences. I will simply say what I feel I should. Lower your head, and charge forward. They have made themselves as less than human, and are not to be feared, but punished. Would it not make it worse for you, I would take their blood upon mine hands. Bring them to task, and let them suffer your pain one thousand fold. In your defiance of their fear mongering you will find your courage, with each step of your charge becoming more sure. Do not falter, do not wain. Let them fear the reprisal the have brought to themselves, for you should not abide inaction.

Thanks, Walker. Very poetic.

mdk said
It's a shitty situation, and people don't handle such things well. This is a useless platitude but don't worry about what they think -- what they say, what they do, what they know, how they act, people are complicated and, right now, irrelevant. The thing that matters is you. No matter what it takes, endure. You're allowed to be an emotional bitch :). Just don't give up. Ever. Take care of yourself..... weather changes, storms go away, and the sun is beautiful.

I'll try. I just hope they'll stop coming after me with stuff. I would think leaving me physically bruised, cut, and bleeding would be satisfying for them at this point... Although this morning I woke up to thirty five blocked calls.

Derpestein said
My fucking word.Just. Just.._.And I thought my faith in humanity couldn't be lower. Dickwads. The lot of them.Where is my virtual hugs machine? I need to teleport and give you the biggest hug ever right now.All this has probably been said before but:Don't give them the satisfaction of knowing you took your own life, even if you're thinking about doing it. I don't know much about police stuff and the like, but talk to the police. Bring it up with whatever friends you can find when you think you're ready. Get support from the numbers MDK sent.If all your friends deserted you, they're dicks and don't deserve you. ._.Here is the biggest online hug I have ever given.

I know I shouldn't give them the satisfaction of taking my life. But it hurts to live. I'm going to be 110 percent honest with everyone here... I blame myself for the rape. I know I'm probably a bitch and that's why they hate me so much. I'm a bad person. They have every reason to do all of this. And I don't want to live being a bad person.

Hank said
Are concealed carry permits a thing where you live?

Not until I turn 21.

Aragorn said
I...uh...*Throws microphone down on the ground in rage.*There isn't much to say that hasn't already been said. Don't die. If you die, you won't get the satisfaction of watching those fucks get taken away in a cop car. Revenge will come. Trust me.

I doubt they'll ever go to jail. The cops just keep saying they have no evidence. And as far as the last physical assault they said it could have been anyone. That I'm just being paranoid.

Dervish said
This was the last thing I expected to wake up to this morning. I wish I had words of wisdom or comfort, but I am coming up short, especially in light of what the others have said. You aren't alone here, in this community. We all stand with you, and I know we will all do whatever we can to support you in these dark days. We really do care, and while we may be far away and may never meet you, we stand with you and will be truer than the people who failed you. Stay strong.

I am realizing this though. Thank you.

[Kyuki]

Halo said
Kyuki, you have to continue reporting what's happening. If it has gone this far, it's unlikely to stop by itself. It's better to have the cops on your side, at least. If you don't report it at the time, there's no record of it and they literally cannot do anything. As hard as it is to open up to a complete stranger about everything that's happened to you, you need to report each new thing to them as soon as you can and thus keep an accurate, documented log of the awful shit that's been happening to you. And then, when the fucking bastards slip up, and all the evidence you could possibly have gathered. You can even carry a voice recorder on you, to capture any further incidents. In the meantime, you can get support from the places MDK mentioned. Again, I know it feels you're just going to antagonise these sick people by looking for help, but the exact same people you're going to have all the experience in the world in dealing with cases like this - and in the end, they're probably more powerful and influential than these cunts. They can support you and advise you; they will be on your side, and that's what you need. These people are trying to isolate you because you can't fight them alone. Don't let them. Most importantly, please, do not end your life. There is an end to this. There's no knowing exactly when or on what terms that will be, but it will come. You're ridiculously smart, Kyuki, you could have gone to fucking when you were just seventeen. You will survive, you will heal, and you will live a good life, and you will contribute so much more to society and to the people around you, whoever is lucky enough to have you care for them, than these people ever will. Your future is bright enough to be worth tolerating this darkness. You're worth it; believe that, believe in yourself. Now I sound like a cheesy musical, but it's true.And don't ever be afraid of talking to us. When we fight, it's about the stupidest shit and nobody really means it all that much. Anything serious, and we will all band together. You're one of us; we might not be able to do much practically, but we will always support our own if we can. I think I comfortably speak for almost everyone in saying that.

Yeah... I went from getting into Princeton to being a loser who dropped out of college all together.

Magic Magnum said
I will be totally honest, those people seriously make me want to go over there and mercilessly beat them all to a pulp.I also have to echo what everyone else is saying, get support from the numbers mdk provided. Call the police about this, the very reason those people are threatening you for calling the Police is because they know the Police can stop them from doing it. They're trying to scare you away from beating them, don't let them trick you. And above all else, do kill yourself over this. Not only do you have a full life to live, not only would doing so be letting those people win, but you are better than them. Don't let them ruin your life, this may be the hardest fight in your life but it is a fight that you need to fight, it is a fight you cannot afford to lose, and I'm sure everyone here (me included) are here for you whenever you need it.And also, if you need to talk or vent more about this my PM box is always open. And no this is not the typical "Here's my best hopes, talk to me if you need it" thing, if you need to talk or vent then

I have been in constant contact with the police. Reporting things but they keep telling me they don't have much evidence to make an arrest. Unless I pressed charges for the rape. They have a written statement from the guy that did it admitting to it.