BrokenPromise

Nomadic Odyssey: Find Your Heart

"That was not a good time!”

— Daniel Castro

_{@Punished GN}

Daniel liked to view himself as someone who was cool under pressure and always knew what to say, but this whole situation made him nervous. Something he often forgot when he was nervous was that it was fine to not say anything. Sometimes, keeping your mouth shut is the only thing you can do to stop a situation from escalating. Nothing made this more apparent than seeing Jaden's pimp hand rise high above his head. He winced as he anticipated the smack of his life, but it never came.

When he opened his eyes, Jaden had been replaced by the announcer lady. He could also hear a few people chuckling behind his head, but didn't bother to look and see who they were. At least someone got amusement out of this. While the technicians shooed him away, he walked backwards, nodding his head in respect at the announcer over and over again. He mouthed a thank you before turning on his heel and walking into the crowd.

He let out a gasp and wiped the sweat off of his forehead.

The series of events that had just transpired played over in his head. He wasn’t sure how any of it happened, and even wondered if it did happen or he was having a dream. Somehow that was even more nerve wracking than the idea of going to a tourney in the first place. No, that wasn’t quite true. Now he had to worry about getting tea-bagged by Jaden if they ended up in the same bracket. He could throw his match, but he worked for SHINING. Letting them pay his way into a tourney only to throw the first match would not be looked favorably upon, and threatened the safety of his family.

With a sigh, he formed up with the other fighters.

---

"Was it something I said?”

— Oriko Ishii

_@Ponn

The announcement got her to turn her head. Quickly. Very quickly. So quickly that it might have been easier to describe as teleportation.

"Oh, it seems like we’re starting.” Oriko spoke over Olivia. "I suppose our little contest will have to be taken to the arena, provided you can make it to my bracket before someone else defeats you.” She pulled her cup out of Rui’s hand and slipped it into her sleeve. She didn’t so much as glance at Olivia – she had been trying to ignore her – but she did stop to look at the weird doll she was carrying around.

That thing talked, didn’t it?

She had seen things like it. Automated toys that could say a few phrases, but this one seemed like it could read the situation. Maybe it was an elaborate puppet, or even an AI interface seemed likely. It was unfortunate that the fighting had started, because she’d have liked to converse with it a bit. It seemed to be a lot less grading than the moe blob.

"Same goes for you, don’t get knocked out too quickly.”

Oros the swift departed for her arena without waiting for a reply.

STORYCRAFT: For Roleplayers

@BangoSkank Thanks for the kind words, and there's nothing wrong with adding onto an existing article with your own advice. I was told once that the guides section was filled with total egomaniacs who just wanted to force their ideas down other people's throats. I don't believe that's true, but I see some guides have been locked to prevent people from commenting on them. I think inviting people to talk about what you write shows that you're confident in what you're saying, and allows you to improve should someone make a contribution or notice an error.

Funnily enough, Mary sues were just a way to start the conversation about what makes for a strong character, which was originally going to be part of this article but life happened. So I decided to ship this out as part one with part two on the way. It's how I trick people into reading about intermediate/advanced writing techniques that I know they can handle.

Shouldn't it be referred to as god-moding, since it's based on god mode, rather than a god mod? I don't wanna split hairs, but I want to be sure if it's been accepted by now, or if it's an outright typo.

@TengenUzui96

God-modding seems to be fine. However, godmoding works too. There's a lot of carry over between the video game and RP spaces, so a lot of similar sounding words get used interchangeably.

STORYCRAFT: For Roleplayers

Mary Sues, God Modding, and the Quest for a Cool Character: Part One

What excites most roleplayers is writing posts about their character. They might have an idea for one or inspiration strikes when they look at a role play. Regardless of how it starts, they usually have to turn their idea into a character sheet and submit it for the GM to review.

Sometimes these characters bring concerns to the GM or other players.

A good GM will often give feedback on characters that don’t quite fit the setting, if they don’t outright reject them. Though a less experienced or overconfident GM may decide to accept the character as-is. This character may cause open tensions if the other players aren’t passing messages along in private. If they hate it enough, they may even leave an RP that they otherwise enjoyed.

But the player with the offending character just wanted to write a story. Certainly they didn’t want to ruffle any feathers. What happened?

Let’s look at the type of character that might cause that kind of reaction. You’ll have to forgive me for not writing a full character sheet. But there should be enough there for you to gauge the character.

---

Picture

Rilla Müller

The Superstar

Age 21 | Female | 120 LBs | 5’
Mechsuit | Popstar | Neko

Rilia is a young pop idol that’s taken Germany by storm! She’s also an engineer that’s used her knowledge of electronics to make her own mech suit to protect her homeland. Her suit can create powerful shockwaves and fire condensed sound in the form of projectiles. She can also overcharge her mech’s arms and shoot lightning bolts from them. Lastly, her suit gives her incredible athletic ability, allowing her to jump over buildings or beat cars in a drag race.

---

Trashy anime idol garbage may not be your cup of tea, but the question remains: Is this a character you would accept into an RP? Do they seem like a god modder (or a power player) looking at the sheet?

What even are god modders?

To answer that question, we’re going to briefly hop over to the fanfiction space. Much like roleplaying, Fanfiction writers usually create characters that play alongside other characters they didn’t make. The only difference is that they control everything. Some of the more detestable “fan characters” can feel a lot like god modders, but are called Mary Sues.

You’ve likely heard of the term Mary Sue before, but what does it really mean? Everyone says it’s a character that’s too perfect or powerful, but that can’t be right. Superman isn’t considered a Mary Sue. He has every power imaginable, yet his fans adore him.

Here’s a history lesson. Back in the seventies, they didn’t have the internet to pass around fanfiction. Instead, it was submitted to “fanzines” to be published and distributed at conventions. The most popular one for Star Trek fanfiction was “The Menagerie,” which had to sift through a lot of crap to get to the good stuff.

One of the editors (Paula Smith) was so fed up with a certain kind of story that she wrote “A Trekkie's Tale,” a parody that featured one Lt Mary Sue as the main character. It’s not required reading, but I’ll include it here if you want a look.

"Gee, golly, gosh, gloriosky," thought Mary Sue as she stepped on the bridge of the Enterprise. "Here I am, the youngest lieutenant in the fleet—only fifteen and a half years old."

Captain Kirk came up to her. "Oh, Lieutenant, I love you madly. Will you come to bed with me?"
"Captain! I am not that kind of girl!"
"You're right, and I respect you for it. Here, take over the ship for a minute while I go get some coffee for us."
Mr. Spock came onto the bridge. "What are you doing in the command seat, Lieutenant?"
"The Captain told me to."
"Flawlessly logical. I admire your mind."
Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy and Mr. Scott beamed down with Lt. Mary Sue to Rigel XXXVII. They were attacked by green androids and thrown into prison. In a moment of weakness Lt. Mary Sue revealed to Mr. Spock that she too was half Vulcan. Recovering quickly, she sprung the lock with her hairpin and they all got away back to the ship.
But back on board, Dr. McCoy and Lt. Mary Sue found out that the men who had beamed down were seriously stricken by the jumping cold robbies, Mary Sue less so. While the four officers languished in Sick Bay, Lt. Mary Sue ran the ship, and ran it so well she received the Nobel Peace Prize, the Vulcan Order of Gallantry and the Tralfamadorian Order of Good Guyhood.
However the disease finally got to her and she fell fatally ill. In the Sick Bay as she breathed her last, she was surrounded by Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Mr. Scott, all weeping unashamedly at the loss of her beautiful youth and youthful beauty, intelligence, capability and all around niceness. Even to this day her birthday is a national holiday on the Enterprise.

To summarize, The original Mary Sue is not a god modder in the traditional sense. While she is impossibly smart for her age and has a lot of skills, these are more indicators of being a god modder. What really makes Mary Sue a Mary Sue is that the world’s logic bends to her whim. It’s possible for a “fifteen and a half” year old to have youthful beauty. It’s a bit harder to believe that she became a Lieutenant at such a young age. But to be a better doctor than Dr McCoy, more logical than Spock, refuse Kirk (ew, dude!) and man an entire ship that needs four people to pilot makes her become nonsensical. Emulsion is thoroughly destroyed.

This is why characters like Superman aren’t Mary Sues. While powerful, his universe functions in a way that he can be that powerful. Moreover, his stories are still interesting (usually!) because as mighty as he is, we see time and time again that he can’t right every wrong.

Going back to Rilla Müller’s character sheet, we really don’t have enough information to determine if we’re dealing with a problematic character. We need to see what kind of RP she’s being placed in. Let’s say the RP is an anime inspired version of an alternate history world war two setting where Hitler never came into power and the Germans ended up joining the allies. The other very important difference is that the prominent technology for this alternate history closely matches the steam-punk aesthetic.

The issues become really obvious now, don’t they?

Rilla Müller isn’t as egregious as Mary Sue, but she has a number of immersion breaking features that don’t make her compatible with the setting. While Germany had its fair share of singers, they didn’t really have an idol culture like Japan did. Moreover, idol culture didn’t really start until well after WWII ended. Rilla is also a neko/cat girl, which isn’t something most steampunk or historic fiction pieces would allow for. Perhaps the biggest offender is her electric powered mech suit, which should be powered by steam in a setting like this. Without a proper explanation, her electric/sonic arments seem out of place.

The next question is, can we save Rilla Müller? Is there an acceptable character hiding somewhere in there?

Among the numerous bits of sentence-long-writing-advice is something called “Kill your darlings.” Like most writing advice, it doesn’t do much to explain the nuances of the problem it’s trying to solve. The idea is that you might have a cool character, but you might not have room for them in the story you want to tell. But you don’t always have to “Kill” your darling, you might be able to change them.

Let’s pretend I thought up Rilla Müller as she is on our character sheet. Since then, I’ve read the RP’s interest check and realize that she doesn’t quite fit.

The next step is to strip away everything that conflicts with the setting but stopping at what’s important to me. I do this by asking myself why a character is the way they are. Does Rilla need to be an idol, or can she just be someone who likes singing? Does she need to be a neko, or am I more interested in a character with a certain personality type? Does she need to be a wiz with electricity, or could she be a wiz with steam? These answers are going to be different for everyone, but I find that any time I do this, I end up with a character that’s scaled back from my original idea but is just as fun to play. The trick is separating what you want from what you need to be happy with your character.

---

Picture

Rilla Müller

Backyard Tech Superstar

Age 21 | Female | 120 LBs | 5’
Mechsuit | Engineer | German

Rilia is an up and coming engineer that built her own steam powered mech suit in her father’s workshop. Her suit uses pressurized steam to fire brass steaks and has a steam thrower for boiling targets that get too close. Lastly, her suit is capable of using its hot steam to propel her as she runs and jumps, increasing her speed and mobility.

---

This isn’t the only correct version of Rilla Müller that we can make. I could lean into her being a singer instead of the engineer direction. She’s only 21 so I don’t want to give her a lot of skills that she doesn’t need. But you don’t need to know how to build mech suits if you want to pilot them. Though if she’s going to be a singer, maybe she likes it because she likes helping others. She could have enlisted as a medic or some kind of support role. I also decided to grab a picture with a more flamboyant appearance this time. The ribbon on her head kind of looks like a pair of bunny ears. If I cared enough, I could probably search for an image of a girl with a bow on her head to get the cat girl look if it was something I really wanted to keep.

---

Picture

Rilla Müller

Medicinal Superstar

Age 21 | Female | 120 LBs | 5’
Mechsuit | Medic | German

Rilia is a singer by trade but decided to become a medic to help with the war effort. She goes into battle in a steam powered mech suit armed with a single machine gun. Her suit is also equipped with an assortment of tools to quickly bandage up wounded soldiers and get them back home. Lastly, her suit is capable of using its hot steam to propel her as she runs and jumps, increasing her speed and mobility. Perfect for bringing the wounded back from the front line.

---

We could do a few more, but I think these two results show that no matter how absurd a character concept, it can be boiled down to its core components and work with anything.

It’s easy to get excited to play your ideal character and forget that Roleplaying is, actually, a social activity. If you just want to write stories about your ideal character you can do that on your own. But the real joy of roleplaying comes from the interactions. Having your character do something and then having another character react to it. Discussing directions for the plot to go while keeping enough back that there’s still a surprise. While you shouldn’t feel the need to bend over backwards for everyone, you should do your part to avoid joining an RP with a character that doesn’t fit. If you can’t be satisfied with anything but the character you’ve envisioned, then maybe that RP isn’t for you.

And don’t hate on people who submit these kinds of characters. Mary Sues aren’t usually a sign of a nasty, maleficent player. They usually don’t understand the setting or want their character to come across as really cool.

I have more to say on the behavior of Mary Sue type characters, as they’re a bit more than what I outlined above. I’d also like to demonstrate how how you can go about making your characters instantly likable. But I’m going to save that for another article that will deal with posts rather than the character sheet. This is already coming out a little later than I wanted, so I hope you read the next one. Until then, pay attention to a roleplay’s theme and setting, and you’ll never have to worry about your characters fitting in.

STORYCRAFT: For Roleplayers

I'm sorry, I didn't notice you posted here. You can find a button for dice rolls on the main page in the upper right corner. Right under where you click to log in.

The Storm Cycle: Reclamation

"We take the fight to Santa!

— Luana Roycroft

@Rune_Alchemist@Crimson Paladin

As soon as the queen and her "date" had left, Luana grinned and let a small sigh escape her lips. Though she was quick to adress the impromptu strategy meeting. "Can't say I like the idea of leaving it alone." Luana leaned on her spear. "I haven't tracked many dragons, but that thing seemed a lot smarter than the common beasts I fight. If it's crafty enough to lure us into a trap, it's probably also crafty enough to know that leaving us alone will give us time to prepare. The way I see it is that this isn't the first dragon to show up here. There could very well be more like it hiding in the woods." She chuckled. "Maybe not just like it, but we can't assume anything. Ultimately, it's decided to fall back to give itself an advantage. If it thought its victory over us was a sure thing, it wouldn't have retreated."

The hermit looked over everyone present. "We could set a trap for it. But the more time we spend preparing a trap, the more time it has to get reinforcements, flee, heal up, you get the idea. We need to keep pressure on it, or at least observe its movements. But I think we have enough people here that we can probably set a trap and monitor the giant lizard." Luana, tentatively, patted Ethelred on the back. "My cool friend here has encountered more of these big lizards than I have. So I'm willing to go with his call. But just putting it out there, while I'm pretty sure I could track the thing, I don't think I'd feel comfortable tailing it by myself."

Nomadic Odyssey: Find Your Heart

"Don't threaten me with a good time!”

— Daniel Castro

_{@Punished GN}

Jaden's sour mood was not a surprise to Daniel. But that didn't mean that things were bad! Even if he sounded a little aggressive, he hadn't carried out any of his threats yet. That and everyone around him seemed to be in high spirits. He wasn't sure why that was, but at least Jaden was the only one who was upset at the moment.

"Ah, yes, the wire. Just-” He winced as some dank smoke assaulted his nostrils. "Just a moment.” He looked behind the speaker again. Nothing had changed, the wire was still in the wrong port and smoke was still coming out of the top of the speaker. The wire sparked a few times. Daniel wasn't sure how she managed to mix up the cables. The power and audio should have been two totally different ports. Though on closer inspection, it looked like the ends of the cables had been swapped. Or at least the power cable had been spliced to fit into the audio jack, while the end to the audio jack was just missing. He turned over the chicken drumstick in some vain hope it would be there, but it wasn't.

"Hngh!” With a tug, the power cable came loose. Fortunately it didn't explode. "Here you are, sir!” He offered the cable to Jaden. He debated keeping his mouth shut, but decided he had something else to say. "Can I just say that I had no idea you were so progressive? Or open about it. I don't think most people in your position would admit they want to do those things to me."

---

"Campfire story time!”

— Oriko Ishii

_{@CaliforniaState@Ponn}

The blue moe blob erupting into conversation beside Oriko got her to turn her head. Slowly. Very slowly. So slowly that by the time she finished barfing out her whirlwind of words, Oriko had only turned her head enough to give the girl a sideways glance. She hadn't said anything herself, but she looked exhausted just listening to her. The lemming hadn't said anything yet, so pretending to ignore sonic the hedgehog was out. Why couldn't her fans just quietly stalk her from afar?

"Yes.” Oriko didn't mask her annoyance. "Those were all rather interesting opponents, and I beat them all.” Some with help, but who cared? "Though as interesting as they are in my music videos, there's a lot of content that I have to cut. It's not really stuff that most people want to see. My music would get age restricted if I included the really interesting stuff. Like the one with the mouth on its tongue? I use to have some special footage of that one.” She clinched her hand into a fist. "It gripped one of its victims in both hands. It did so in a very interesting way. The thing made sure that she had her back to us and we could all see the girl's face. She was frightened out of her mind. First she wanted us to save her, but then it started to tighten its grip on her until she couldn't even scream. And then right in front of all of us it bit off her head. Just her head, before dropping her body five stories to the ground below.” She shrugged. "I don't know, I can't see them as cute after that.”

March of the White Rabbit: A Roll-Your-Own Magical Girl Roleplay

To the North: Interlude

It had been a few days, but Huld’s flesh hadn’t mended. Her arm was back in place and she had a new fantastic dress, but the burn scars hadn’t gone away. Over the millennia she had concocted various salves to keep her beauty and vitality at its peak. She had no doubt this mark would heal eventually, even if it took decades or even a century. Hyun had failed to kill her, but maybe there was something potent about her magic after all.

”Self righteous fools.”

It had cost Huld a lot to get out of that situation alive, but it hadn’t surprised her. She’d lived for thousands of years, and had grown accustomed to surviving close encounters like this. But she planned to even the score eventually. Give Beacon a few centuries to forget this ever happened and then she could dispatch a third party to deal with Alicia and Regina. Maybe by that time she’d have learned how to corrupt the shine spark and could turn Alicia on Regina, That would teach her to shake off her brainwashing so easily.

But that would not be the last time some magical girls came to visit her this decade.

"I’m not who you think I am."

— Chloe Irving?

Chloe and Sonia waltzed into Huld’s theater. While Sonia waited by the edge of the stage, Chloe had no issue strutting onto it with her arms extended. "And the star arrives! No need to hold your applause, you can let it allllll out!"

Huld grunted before turning in her seat. ”Is there something you want?”

"How did you know? But oh my!" She placed her hand over her mouth in mock surprise. "What happened to your face? Did a magical girl do that to you?"

”It’s nothing.” Huld turned her back to Chloe. ”And the rate is going to be five times as much as it was last time. I’m quite busy.”

Chloe grinned. "You must be if you think someone’s willing to pay that." She sighed. "Well alright then. I guess I’ll take Divina back.."

”Excuse me?” Huld turned back around.

”I was pretty clear that you were only going to have her for a little while. Like, a month tops." Chloe folded her arms with a smirk. "And it’s been a bit longer than that, hasn’t it?"

Huld growled. ”It hasn’t even been two weeks yet.”

"But I miss her! At least let me see my Divina!" Chloe got on her knees and begged. "I just need to know you didn’t let something happen to her! Like, trade her over to Beacon so that you could slip away like a coward!" Huld looked up at the balcony where the Mares were waiting. "I wouldn’t do that." Chloe stood up. The smile had run from her face. "You weren’t able to handle a few beacon girls, do you really want to make enemies of the mint as well?"

Huld’s shoulders slumped ”The job you want me to do. It doesn’t involve Beacon, does it?”

The new coin broker cracked a smile. "Now that’s the can-do attitude I expect from the legendary Huld!"

---

Not only were the New York Mint without their coin broker, but Beacon’s agents were slowly returning to full fighting force. Regina and Sona were easily able to root out mint operations with impunity. The Mint agents were cunning, but it was only a matter of time before Tonya, Divina, and Abigail returned to active duty. Without the presence of the Beast, they were unable to apply any pressure. Meanwhile, former inquisitor Lilium Blue was able to direct her girls aggressively, and her emboldened girls only demoralized mint further with each successful mission they finished.

The only two remaining Mint agents were hiding in some abandoned warehouse. They were hiding in a stuffy office and a fridge that contained enough food for about two more days if they rationed it carefully.

”You know.” Lada was sitting on top of a worn out desk. She would have used the chair, but the cushions had totally deteriorated. ”If you hadn’t jumped out of there so soon, we could have won.”

Lexi kept leaning on the door, totally indifferent to her remark. At least that was her outward appearance. ”I wouldn’t have needed to do that if you had my back. Also, how about some gratitude for dragging you out of there?”

”Fuck that!” Lada pointed at her earring. ”Nobody bothered to crush my soul stone. I owe my life to their stupidity more than your ‘bravery.’ Should have known you were only good at hiding behind your illusions.”

Lexi furrowed her brow. ”It’s a good thing you can give your mana to other people, because we can use it a lot better than you can.” Her grip on her weapon tightened.

Before Lada could fire back, Chloe walked into the office with her arms raised. "Now now girls, you can only fight each other if you’re fighting over me!" Sonia entered the room after her.

”Chloe?” Lexi and Lada grunted simultaneously.

"Indeed! Did you hear about my promotion?" Chloe placed her hands on her hips. "How does a coin broker and their two cronies lose to a bunch of has-beens and wannabes? Cute as they may be…" Lexi and Lada pointed at each other, but Chloe raised her hand. "No need to elaborate. I’ve more or less seen everything with a scrying artifact. Seems the three of you way underestimated your opponents. But how like a beast to toy with their food before it bites their nose." She pointed at the two present mint agents. "Which means you two have quite the debt to pay off! You had the audacity to run away from an incomplete objection and let your coin broker die?" They didn’t have anything to say to that either. Chloe reached behind her head and Sonia placed a wine glass in her hand. Chloe swooshed the wine in her glass but didn’t drink a drop. "Why are you all so quiet? I’m not going to kill you if that’s what you’re thinking." Her eyes were half closed. “I have a special job for you. If you complete it I can make all this go away, but I don’t want to hear any complaints."

The two looked at each other before Lexi pushed herself off the wall. ”We’re listening.”

---

Sonia and Chloe arrived in Africa. They were standing in the center of some blighted ground that had some rickety buildings built on top of it. A small mirror showed Chloe the fight that had taken place here.

"Well what do you know? Looks like I was right!" She looked at Sonia. "Su reacted with the tail."

Sonia didn’t look at Chloe. "We’re alone. You don’t have to pretend to be Chloe right now."

"Maybe not, but it’s fun!" Viper reverted back to her original form. Her tail coiled around her own leg. ”She’s a little overbearing, but I think that makes her role fun to play.” She looked back at the mirror. ”But it’s interesting.”

"What is?"

”I mean we’re running all of these errands because Chloe wants us to, right?” She put away the mirror. ”At first glance it just seems like a bunch of random hunts from the C.A.P.R.I.C.O.R.N. that Chloe just happens to be interested in. I mean, it makes sense she’d be interested in Huld. She gave her one of her own personal agents and Huld lost her. But now Chloe has Huld in her pocket, so it was a net gain overall.”

Sonia folded her arms, but continued to avert her eyes. "But that compounded what happened in New York. Unlike Penrose, there are less than ten active magical girls. Handing Divina back to beacon didn’t help Mint in the slightest."

”True.” Viper stood beside Sonia and, much like her, looked in the opposite direction. But she had a little smirk on her face when she did so. ”But we know Chloe was in New York, and it’s not impossible to imagine her hatching a plan with the Beast. With the Beast out of the picture, there isn’t anyone to report on Lexi and Lada’s failure, or even if they’re still around. So even if it’s a net loss for Mint, Chloe got two very experienced and sadistic magical girls.”

"You think she counted on the Beast falling in combat?"

”Suppose it wasn’t impossible for Chloe to lose. If the Beast was triumphant, then she’d owe Chloe a favor. That’s what makes me think Chloe spoke with her. Maybe they devised a plan, or she gave her something, but I don’t think it’s impossible that she had something to do with it. Maybe she wanted the Beast to owe her one. Come to think of it, if Huld had successfully repelled the Beacon attack on her lair, she might have attributed it to Divina. I think Chloe’s original plan might have been to collect favors, but is just shrewd enough to get what she wants out of these hunts.”

Sonia turned to Viper. "And what do you make of this?"

”I know, right? It doesn’t have anything to do with the situation in New York, and it doesn’t appear to lead back to Chloe in any way. I mean, Su’s been a POI for a while. There’s been rumors that she has connections to Veronica, but she wasn’t too remarkable other than that. But she reacted with an artifact created by the most infamous three-thousand year old concubine, so maybe we haven’t been paying enough attention.” She looked at Sonia out of the corner of her eye. ”I tried scrying with the mirror to see who placed the tail here, but it was just some bimbo. Given the hazed look in her eyes, I’d say she was brainwashed. But what do you think?”

Sonia fret her brow. "I think I am interested in having Justine at my side. If Chloe is doing something to that end, I will not question her."

”Oh, yea! It’s not professional to question your boss. That’s why I don’t question Al. But Chloe? You’d better question the hell out of everything she does.”

Viper extended her hand towards Sonia. The maid gave her hand a glance before reaching for her wrist, and the two teleported out of sight.

RPGC#37 - The Royal Life (voting and feedback)

Swibbity swoobity, I’m coming here to write reviews and stuff.

1st of his Name, 7th of his Kind, King Sebastian the 41st King of Naitsabes

I primarily write these reviews so that the writer in question can see what one of their readers thought of their work. The author of this piece has informed me in the past that they do not care to read my reviews.Thus, I have little desire to go over this piece in depth.

@Salenea

The Choice

This entry is competently written for the most part. It doesn’t use a large array of complicated words to get its idea across, but still does so in an almost sing-song kind of way. That might not be to everyone’s taste, but I enjoyed it. I didn’t notice any spelling errors or out of place words either.

The entry’s plot was not quite as good. I could sum up everything by saying “a princess fights her nerves and becomes a queen.” It’s an alright plot for a short story, but it’s presented in a way that’s more confusing than interesting. We’re tossing around ideas like death and birth and choices and meanwhile her parents have aged gracefully and are just too old to rule. I don’t know much about her situation and she ended up coming across as melodramatic.If I knew more about her situation I would have been able to empathize with her more.

You’re really not too far away from a great entry with this. There’s a good idea here, it just needs to be built up a little more.

Also, single spaced paragraphs are not very friendly on the eyes. I know a lot of books are formatted that way, but it’s a lot harder to read on a computer screen. Especially if you don’t indent.

@Nymian

The Starless Kingdom

In contests like this, it’s easy to get carried away with experimental pieces instead of just telling a simple story well. It takes a certain amount of courage to rely on your writing ability to carry an entry rather than its gimmick.

And about the writing ability on display here…

It’s been mentioned that the writer needed more time with this, and it kind of shows. A lot of the dialog feels wooden and doesn’t convey much emotion. This isn’t made much better by the infodumps at the start of each segment. As an example, one such infodump tells us that the prince is a brat that never faces any repercussions for his actions. Something like that could be easily be shown doing something like this:

“Ahahahahahahhaha!” Keiren giggled as he ran down the hallway. He was dragging a row of sausage links behind himself while one of the chefs chased him.

“Oi! ‘Et back ‘ere ya ‘ittle brat!”

But the chef stopped his pursuit when one of the maids grabbed his shoulder. “Ah Bones, don’t wear ya self out chasin’ the little beastie. Ya know the king won’t let ya discipline ‘im anyway.”

That’s not to say all infodumps are bad, they just aren’t used very well here. They rob the dialog of the flavor it could have. It’s best to reserve them for things that would be cumbersome to describe at the moment.

But there’s a story worth hearing here.

@Midnight stars

The Royal Life

*Wiggles finger* A furry wrote this, didn’t they?

I’m kidding, I don’t really have an issue with the point of view character being a deviantart adoptable avatar. I think there’s a nice story about interracial relationships here. In many ways, this is the best idea in the entire contest.

The issue is that it’s held back by some muddy prose. There are lots of sentences that don’t do anything and are out of order. Crystal looks around, then we’re told how she looks. There’s no real variety to the sentence structure, which makes a lot of the dialog feel stiff. The abrupt ending didn’t allow enough time for me to see if Crystal and Ember had good chemistry. Crystal thinks Ember is hot and Ember is fascinated that Crystal is a cat person. That’s it for their compatibility.

A better version of this story exists, and I know you can write it.

Also, single spaced paragraphs are not great for computer reading, Especially if you don’t indent.

@Loksfjoer

My Vote

The Starless Kingdom

It wasn’t the most carefully written, but it did have the most complete story.

Also when are you going to start writing for the contests again? I know you're judging them now, but how else am I going to read about spoony bards?

Questioning the GM Format

Much like a business, government, project, family, or any sort of team effort, it's usually a lot easier when you have one person who can make all the tough decisions. The reason why people go for the GM/Co-GM format is because it's usually easier to run things that way. But heavy is the head that wears the crown.

I think that RP players are just a little flaky by nature. Often we have larger than life ideas for our characters and RPs and reality never quite measures up to them. I think you mentioned you wanted to plan your RP before it even started. I think that you're going to need a way to decide who's plans go in and who's don't. Moreover, I've found that the most successful GMs aren't the ones that have a contingency for every hickup, but are good improvisers. They plan well, but are flexible enough to adapt to things that nobody could see coming.

Honestly, a good GM will listen to their players and let them affect the plot's direction. Regardless if it's something very on rails or more of a sandbox environment.

I can't say for sure if this "everyone's a GM" thing would work or not, but if your issue is that the GM keeps leaving, maybe become the GM yourself? I've almost exclusively GM now and only join RPs by proven GMs and I have few issues with how long the RPs I join last. And as others have said, having a group of people you trust is good too. Just remember that RPs can last years and that's just long enough for life to do some nasty shit to your friend groups.

March of the White Rabbit: A Roll-Your-Own Magical Girl Roleplay

Meet the Waifu/Husbando

The days following the raid on Bolorton were interesting for Cradle. Beyond the attack that was no doubt coming from Wonderland, Finn had managed to get some of his trials under his belt, and Mac had sought out some new contacts. It was time for a meeting.

After taking a shower, Mac was ready. But this meeting was going to be a little more awkward than her last one.

Mac was standing in one of the hallways in Maura’s mansion with Finn and Oliver in front of her.

"...And after the raid, there wasn’t time to tell anyone. So I decided to wait until now to spill the beans.” Mac tipped her hat. "So yea! Iron Mouse doesn’t exist, and I was her the entire time. In hindsight, it was extremely reckless to not tell you guys this at first, but given my past interactions with Oliver, I felt it was best to keep the charade up for one more mission. So…” She extended her hand. "Tonya Murphy, but everyone calls me Mac. Well, the few people who know I exist. I’m not quite as annoying as Iron Mouse, nor am I as small, but I have the same dedication to the mission.” She extended a hand to both magical boys.

The duo had to take a moment to process the information given, moreso for Oliver, who had a look of sheer dumbfoundment on his face. Finn was the first to snap out of it and shake Mac's hand.

"Quite an impressive use of illusions! Admittedly I hadn't expected a new agent so suddenly, but you sure as hell showed promise back there!" And not cause her impersonating a member of Beacon was hilarious to think about.

"I’m glad you’re taking my deception in stride. I don’t think just anyone would do that.” She breathed a sigh of relief. "In other news, post Bolteron I was able to speak with Beacon and pick their brain about a few things. Seems they’re not nearly as rigid with their old policies as I thought they were, and it may be possible to forge an alliance with the darker side of penrose. I also put on a show for Mayra. Remember how she said she thought we were a cult?” Mac grinned. "I may have pretended to be an entire cult for her and initiated her into the ‘Sisterhood of the Black Behemoth.’ I think we can count on her to help us out in the future. If she was willing to help you on a whim, she’s going to be stoked to do so next time. Hahaha, I really need to be more straightforward with people.” She set a hand on her hip. "How about you guys? Do anything crazy I need to know about?”

"Other than getting our heads cleaved off in a pointless battle?" Oliver blurted out. Once he realized what he said could've come off as harsh, he glanced aside with a downcast frown. "Sorry. Still angry about that."

At the mention of that incident, Finn ghosted a hand over his neck. A thin band of reinforcement magic was the only thing keeping it from falling off. He didn't know how long he'd be stuck like this, if this could be fixed. He wasn't even aware of the haunted look in his eye, thinking back.

...He shook the thought out of his head. "Frankly, not much besides some personal 'errands' I've been running. It's hard to explain..." Finn trailed off. "But really? A whole cult?" He curiously tilted his head.

Mac adjusted her cap so that neither of them could see her eyes. "It would have been a lot harder if Mayra was interested in the cultists themselves. But I only had to speak for their leader and Iron Mouse. It wasn’t like I had to pretend to be each individual member of the cult.I’d have been screwed if she tried to do something weird.” She pushed the brim of her hat up. "Actually, I never thought about the role you would play in this cult. Maybe we should brainstorm that. It’s the sisterhood, so maybe you could be Korone’s brother?” Her grin was getting wider. "We can get Oliver in on the fun too!”

Brother?

Finn's brows rose. He did have an older sister before he became a magical boy, but he didn't doubt the fact that she's been dead for years. He was bound to get a headache trying to think about what his family tree probably looked like now. "Maybe. But how would we incorporate Oliver?" The spirit in question comically squinted his eyes in response to his friend's curiosity. Were they really going to drag him into it?

Mac closed her eyes. "That’s easy! He doesn’t have a real connection to you other than being a friend, right? So maybe he and Iron mouse could-”

Mac’s eyes opened as a pair of feet walked their way. The rug muffled the sound, robbing her shoes of the dynamic sound they might have had on a hardwood floor. But the girl’s purple outfit was loud enough to make up for that.

”Relax, everyone.” Aria raised her hand. ”Maura knows I’m here.” She looked at Finn. ”Refresh my memory. Have we spoken? Do you know who I am?” Finn simply shook his head.This seemed to please Aria more than it should have. ”I’m Aria Rizzo, owner of Monarch Artificing! I’ve recently moved to the Golden Trove in Penrose, and I’ve heard that you’ve been, oh, let’s call it training.” She giggled. ”I think I can help you out, but I’m going to need some help.”

Oh.

While Oliver was reasonably tense at the presence of the unfamiliar woman talking to Finn, the latter quickly understood what Aria was refering to. "I'm listening."

”I know you are.” Aria stared at Finn for a few seconds. ”What I’m saying is that I’m going to need someone else to help me help you.” She looked over at Oliver and Mac. ”And while I do like the idea of working with Oliver, I think Mac is a bit more ideal for what I have in mind. I’m one of your oldest friends here, aren’t I?” Mac didn’t respond. ”Well! Do come see me later. I’ll be waiting at the Golden Trove when you’re ready.” And with that, Aria turned around to leave.

The two watched as the strange woman left.

"You know, Maura should really amp up securi-"

"What. The hell. Was that?" Oliver interrupted Finn, turning his attention from glaring at Aria while her back was turned back to him.

"Look, Oli, I'll explain everything I can at another time, just trust me when I say everything's going to be okay. Alright? Mac's good people." Finn tried to reassure the ghost. Oliver's mental mutation must've been affecting him.