Retired

Absolute Comics - Season Two: The Monster Within

@Roman

As requested. Continuing from where I had left off after reviewing your first post.

I also want to just make sure you know that none of my comments are mocking you. I'm adding this in after I finished the review, and I make a few jokes about Matt here and there, but they're never meant to mock you as the writer. It's all just my thoughts as I go through each post. I also want to make clear that none of my critiques are against you as a writer.

Hopefully this doesn't come off as harsh

Second Post:

I think you have a slight error where you describe Matt as the "Assistant Defense Attorney" instead of "District."

I still like your use of Matt's abilities as a method for exposition. Both allows your readers to become better immersed in the setting, as well as continue to display his prowess in a casual manner, as well as his everyday existence. And this post has a lot of introspection that I really enjoy. It's always nice to get into the heads of the characters we're following along with.

I do, think, though, that you have a tendency to let your paragraphs run on for too long without a break. They aren't quite at wall-of-text levels, but they are fairly extensive, and it's a recurring thing. That being said, not saying you need to remove content at all, just find good points to separate the paragraphs. Just reading through I can spot a couple of natural breakpoints for each of these instances without you needing to edit the writing in any way.

As is usual with my reviews, I recommend proofreading out loud to yourself. I'm sure this gets annoying to read constantly, and it may seem like I'm just repeating myself ad nauseam, but there's a reason I keep giving this advice. Word choice, sentence structure, repetition, odd and broken flow, grammar and punctuation issues, etc.. These are all things that are mostly caught and avoidable with such a simple method. I proofread my own writing several times like this and it does wonders.

I'm interested to learn why your version of Matt is so angry all the time. Or, at least, has a short fuse and is quick to explode. Matt's always been a tightly wound individual capable of bursting with the right amount of pressure, but yours appears to be quite easily upset and I hope to find out why as I read more.

Third Post:

Very nice exposition in this post. I particularly liked your descriptions of the city almost being an extension of Matt, and how he felt every aspect of it.

Aw, man. Let the tragic love story of hero pushing away romantic interest begin. Damn these comic characters and their inabilities to communicate like mature, reasonable adults!

Fourth Post:

Don't really have many comments for this post, other than, again appreciating all of the introspection. And that you really like the word "heat."

Oh, and, also, wasting no time in just dropping that bomb. Here's to crossing my fingers that Karen isn't a secret pornstar with heroin addiction this time.

Fifth Post:

Hm. Have to admit, not where I thought Matt was going when the last post ended with him having already taken off. I figured he was instantly running to his friends, to ensure those threatened consequences were not their lives being forfeited. Not sure how I feel about Matt being so terrified and insecure that that wasn't his first instinct, especially since he ended up staying in his hideaway for twenty-four hours knowing they were possibly in grave danger. But, again, interested to see you explore why this Matt is different in these ways. He's clearly already more broken than he typically is when this early in his career.

I also won't lie, would have preferred to see more of Matt as Daredevil before near-instantly being introduced to an arc that just tears it all out from under him. Part of me feels like there was no real establishing plot before reaching this point, and so it feels sort of hollow, to me. I think, for me, at least, it would have hit much harder had we been with Matt in his Devil persona for a little longer, a couple of outings, perhaps, to demonstrate his confidence and show us the previous status quo. With just jumping straight into tearing it down without having first built up that foundation, it doesn't have the same effect I think that it would have otherwise. Like, as much as I appreciate the story you're trying to tell, this particular aspect of the plot is mostly flat to me as we barely got any time with him outside of the courtroom before his life was upended. I just can't find myself caring as much about the development because of that.

Sixth Post:

More well done exposition here.
The first half felt somewhat monotonous without breaks in the lengthier dialogue, but that's probably just me.

Seventh Post:

You keep mentioning this man in the other cell, giving him close attention in two or three different sections now, so something tells me he's not really a bum passed out. I'm guessing assassin sent by Fisk to 'suicide' Matt.

Hm. Now, having read the attack, I don't actually know if the ragged man was the one in the other cell or not. I don't think so? Guessing that was a red herring. Interesting that they sent an assassin with only one good arm, though. I guess the Hand take themselves seriously this incarnation: no plural 's' at the end of their name, so every operative only gets to use one single arm.

Would have liked to get just a moment's internal struggle on Matt's decision to go on the run now, after pledging he would stay and fight the charges. I mean, it's obvious why, but I'd still have liked to get Matt's perspective on it, maybe see him debate the choices and the cons of both.

Eighth Post:

Matt likes to live life on the edge, huh? Letting blood from unknown men seep into his orifices. And this is after he lost out on his medical benefits upon resigning. Dude really is the Man Without Fear.

Speaking again to his aforementioned anger issues, your Matt is quite brutal. Just slicing off a dude's finger without any semblance of a chance. And his index no less. So cruel, Matt, so cruel. Plus, this crazy motherfucker didn't even bandage and cut off the blood-flow after the guy went unconscious. Which, by the way, all those guys knocked unconscious would also be dead or have irreparable brain damage seeing as they didn't wake up after a few seconds. Matt Murdock: murdering menace. Forget Spider-Man, JJ needs to look at this red-suited vigilante.

Ninth Post:

Fisky-poo's monologue should probably be separated into a couple of paragraphs, especially as you intercede with exposition a bit.

As I've commented elsewhere, I'd avoid using capitalization to demonstrate annunciating or overstressing words. Italicize, preferably. Others may not feel this way due to this being a casual roleplay environment, but just, in general, that method is largely associated with being amateurish. I know you probably chose to do so here because Kingpin's text was already bolded, though.

Hm. So, I'll admit, I slightly spoiled myself on this moment due to Doc's awards mentioning this scene. So, maybe the surprise was tarnished for me as I was expecting it for the past eight posts. But, this didn't connect with me. Don't get me wrong, I completely appreciate the balls to off not only a major villain but one of the most prominent nemesis in comics. And to do so in such a public spectacle that there will be serious fallout. But the fight just felt off to me. Given how out of it, beat down, exhausted Matt already had been. Still coming off of being drugged. Given the brutal onslaught he had just received from Kingpin and how he could barely move, the sudden and immediate turn-around was offputting to me. Especially given there were two of Fisk's men there who didn't intervene to prevent their boss's murder. While I still really appreciate the end result, the journey didn't sell me.

Tenth Post:

"You didn't get a choice, and that's your problem. All your choices have been made for you. You just watched it happen."

This comment from Stick definitely rings true with how I feel Matt's been operating this arc. Mostly just stumbling along a path everyone else paved for him.

I would have loved to get some exposition on Stick, who he is, what he did for Matt, etc. While I love seeing him introduced, without relying on comic knowledge, we have zero information as readers about him here other than he trained Matt at some point.

While I may not have always thought the path you took to get to this point was done the best, I do like where you leave things off. And it certainly manages to keep me interested to see what happens next season. The idea of Matt having an entire city, as well as different shadow organizations, against him is exciting. As is the power vacuum that will come of this.

---

I didn't want to continually say this for each post, so I'll just let you know that the comments I gave about flow, diction, syntax, repetition, and lengthy paragraphs persisted through all of them. The fourth post, in particular, suffered from the lack of breaks in paragraphs. Especially since that post was shorter in comparison.

Overall, I liked the opening post a lot. I enjoyed the exposition and introspective moments that filled the next couple posts. After that, though, I feel like everything was rushed. Especially for an arc as pivotal as the defeat of Kingpin and discrediting of Matt's civilian identity. And even more so for his complete outing. As I said before, there wasn't enough of a foundation built prior to it. The buildup wasn't there. And having all of these things happen in rapid sequences like this kind of stole what thunder there was from each preceding one.

Likewise, Elektra's betrayal. The moment didn't carry the same weight that it should have because we only ever got one previous scene with her, and then a brief phone call/audio message. If we're never really introduced to a character and don't get to spend time with them, then moments like these never have the full effect. I understand we're all comic fans here, and this moment was never going to be a complete surprise to us, but just because it's been explored in the comics doesn't mean we shouldn't still give these moments and events the full breadth of treatment that we would if they were original moments. It's all about making sure we build up and provide the proper amount of context and emotional leverage so that the big moments have the impact they deserve.

While I could still find enjoyment in pieces here and there, after the first few posts the rest of this arc just didn't land with me. Personally, I would have liked to see this be the second season arc after first experiencing more of Matt's regular life, and especially more of his Devil work. Especially with more of a tease for the conflict between Kingpin - as well as more exposition on him being Fisk - and DD being sprinkled throughout. Then, a story like the one you told here would have carried much more weight to it, I think.

I also felt like Matt didn't really achieve anything himself in this plot. Everything was pretty much handed to him. Even when he was going after Fisk's operation and interrogating his henchmen, it didn't really matter as Fisk/Silkworth gave Matt all the information themselves. It didn't feel like, to me, that he earned the 'victory.' There was no investigative work, no real following of clues, no steps taken between starting point and destination. I think that also affected how it felt rushed to me.

To me, it seemed like there was a place you really wanted Matt to be for you to write from, and you wrote an arc to quickly achieve that but didn't give enough attention to the journey along the way. So the payoff wasn't as substantial as it could have been. I think either more time should have been spent building up to everything, or the position you were setting Matt up for should have been where we started off.

That being said, solid exposition throughout the season. Quite a bit of interesting introspection. I want to stress how much I appreciate the effort you put into that.

And, I also have to give you a lot of credit for finishing the arc. I know you were very proud of this, and you should be. It's definitely an achievement in these games.

Given where things left off this season, I'm looking forward to seeing the transition into the next.
_{Lonnie Lincoln as new Kingpin, please?}

Absolute Comics - Season Two: The Monster Within

A N N O U N C E M E N T:

---

We've begun the process of creating a Worldbuilding Compendium. If you have anything you'd like to submit to help current and new players alike, please pass it along to myself and the other GMs and we'll be sure to update the page.

In other news, I'm going to spend some time this week updating the summary and starting next Sunday, I will be putting aside some time to do a weekly update to it so as to keep on top of it.

@Lord Wraith

Since you wanted feedback on things the GM have done/are doing that are appreciated: this right here.

Absolute Comics - Season Two: The Monster Within

@Byrd Man

As requested:

First Post:

Aside from minor mistakes and some diction choices - some repeating words and phrases in close proximity that disrupt the flow - I don't have many comments on the writing itself. Really, I'd just suggest as I have for everyone to thoroughly proofread your posts out loud. These sorts of things would be caught most of the time with just that much effort.

It's a nice introduction to your story. Relatively short, but providing us with enough backdrop to keep things appealing. I enjoy the portrayal of Grendel; their quick, brutal efficiency is just what I like to see in villains who prefer getting close-and-personal. Though, I suppose "villain" may not be apt depending on their full motives. Which you teased but left open enough to keep me interested. I find myself more drawn to the '23 perspective as it feels like there's a larger mystery there, and, at the moment, seems to have more of a story to unfold. But, of course, I fully expect that to change as things progress.

I do wish, however, you had clarified what SMP was before using the abbreviation. I know it's the Shanghai Municipal Police based on your character proposal, but these sorts of things should always be established in the actual posts themselves. Especially when it's something that most people wouldn't be familiar with on a general basis.

Second Post:

So, the Shadow is a Jedi. Got it. Mind tricks abound.

Several mistakes throughout that, I believe, stem from past versions of the post. Things that weren't caught during revisions, but stick out when reading through. Again, just vocal proofreading to make sure you get all these each time you change something.

It wouldn't be a Byrd arc without handling controversial, real-world topics.

I feel like you make your posts very streamlined, if that makes sense, in the sense that you keep things brief and to the point in most cases. While this is certainly not a bad thing, it does have the tendency to sometimes make them seem like there's less for us as readers to digest. Though, maybe this is just your preference in an attempt to leave us wanting more.

---

I'd like to see some more introspection from some of the recurring POVs, but so far it's nothing that detracts from your writing. Just a personal taste. I like how you're balancing the past and present currently, giving each its fair due to keep your readers wanting more.

If it weren't for the slip-ups and repetition, you'd have a really solid flow going on. It's easy to get lost in and appreciate your story, for the most part.

I don't have much more feedback for you at this time as both posts were relatively short in content, and there aren't as many noticeable disruptions in flow here. But as your posts continue I'm sure I'll have more to say.

Absolute Comics - Season Two: The Monster Within

Blah. I feel like that post was sloppy in places, and I had to take a break midway through to refocus. But, Kitty perspective is up, finally. I know some of you were looking forward to her introduction. Enjoy a shit ton of exposition.

Absolute Comics - Season Two: The Monster Within

Manhattan, New York City | Present Day

---

^{Chapter One | Part Three}

Katherine Pryde, Kitty to her friends - not that she had many nowadays - stepped through the exterior wall of the currently closed antique shop. Her lithe frame breaking from the surface of the brick and mortar as if rising out of the sea. Cautiously peering into the alleyway for observers, Kitty consciously willed her body to rematerialize. The familiar, slight and pleasantly numb tingle that danced throughout her body as her molecules returned to normal density gave her skin tiny goosebumps. Even after four years and countless moments of using her mutant ability, that sensation never lessened.

She continued forward, head on a pivot as she walked through the alley. Something has to be here. Kitty told herself. This is where it's all been happening.

For weeks, there had been rumors floating around various message boards and chatrooms regarding the disappearance of children. Unsubstantiated reports from anonymous users about their cousins' friends or vague acquaintances vanishing with little trace around several neighborhoods of Manhattan. Each story that spread around the forums Kitty frequented shared one common theme; the children that went missing were either known or suspected to be mutants. Each passing week contributed another dozen or so of these rumors. At first, Kitty gave them little credit, instead choosing to dismiss them as the typical conspiracy theories that often accompanied any metahuman forum. Over time, however, they grew more difficult to ignore. Especially after the events of two weeks ago.

Mere days after her sixteenth birthday, Kitty, who had long feared her status as a metahuman would be discovered, had looked death in the eyes. A militant, anti-mutant group known as the Purifiers had been making very public attacks on suspected individuals for days. Although she never discovered how they had learned of her, Kitty had found herself in their crosshairs nonetheless. It was only for the intervention of another group, the X-Men, five young mutants themselves, that she was alive to this day.

Seeing the heroic actions of these five individuals and knowing the danger they faced just by going out into the world publicly declared as mutants had struck Kitty. She had spent practically four years in complete isolation and hiding, her desktop acting as the sole window into the outside world. Always concerned over the ridicule, rejection, and threats that Kitty knew would come if her secret were to ever be discovered. Yet those X-Men, most of whom only looked a few years older than herself, ventured forward anyway. For her. For metahumans everywhere. It had both brought her shame and a renewed vigor. And Katherine Pryde had sworn on that day that she, too, would dedicate her life to the cause.

Which brought her here, today, to this alley. After the run-in with the Purifiers and X-Men, Kitty had decided to pay more attention to those circling rumors. After all, if they were true, she knew the authorities weren't likely to put much effort in, if any, to help track down mutant kids. So, channeling her inner sleuth, Kitty had spent hours over several days scouring through anecdotal evidence and narrowing down the most credible information and leads. Then, she had slowly gone through a list of neighborhoods, exploring every back alley, and investigating each closed and abandoned building by using her mutant ability.

It was tedious work, but Kitty was determined. She had no proof but after her encounter with the group, she suspected the Purifiers may be involved. The X-Men had stopped those responsible for the attacks two weeks ago, but who was to say there weren't more. And, if her theory was correct, that meant these children were in danger of a more permanent fate than just abduction.

Which is why Kitty had sought out help. In her years of self-imposed isolation on the internet, she had met and befriended many people. Among them all, though, one always had stood out. Kitty had never learned their real name, nor ever revealed her own, but the individual known as Overwatch was famous among certain circles as an accomplished hacktivist. Overwatch was also an enthusiastic techie who appreciated all things nerd culture, and the two had bonded over these shared interests.

Kitty had never once asked Overwatch anything about their hacking life, aside from a few tips on coding. She knew of and respected every public action Overwatch had ever taken credit for but had made the choice early on to keep that aspect out of their friendship. Until yesterday.

Having grown concerned she wouldn't find any clues in time, Kitty gave Overwatch all the information she had collected during her research. With their resources and abilities, Kitty was sure the children could be found. Or, at the very least, a more specific location where she could search. And, this morning, that location had been delivered via an instant message. A specific section of back corridors in the Meatpacking District, among some of the still-remaining derelict buildings, had been pinpointed by Overwatch. They had mentioned 'accessing' the Sentinel App, which Kitty couldn't help finding sweet victory in. The tool that was being used to report metahuman activity, violating the civil rights of a minority population, would be used to help track down and, hopefully, rescue mutants.

* * *

---

Kitty had been wandering around for an hour now. She had checked every back alleyway twice by this point, as well as having taken a stroll through every unoccupied building in her path. Aside from a homeless gentleman huddled up against a stoop, whom she had given most of the contents from her wallet, she hadn't come across a soul. It was still early in the afternoon, though, and Kitty had nowhere else to be. She had set her mind to this task, and she wouldn't leave until long after the sun had set.

As she looped around for the third time, Kitty's thoughts once more drifted to her most recent dilemma.

Maybe Sprite? She considered, twirling an index finger around the natural curls escaping from underneath her raised hoodie. Pretty sure those are the ones who are all ethereal and spirit-like. Though, maybe I should brush up on my folklore some more, first. Don't want to accidentally name myself after something hideous.

For the dozenth time that day, Kitty found herself reciting the five codenames of the mutant heroes who had saved her. Cyclops. Eh, too on the nose. Beast. He was nice. Marvel. Or Marvel Girl? Still not entirely sure about that one, I think she was struggling with her hero identity, too. Iceman, she paused to grimace slightly. Having only met him for a few moments, that one had already seemed like a tool to her.

Nightcrawler, though, she continued, recalling the blue-furred young man with the thick German accent. Now that's a cool name. I need something like that. Like... Shroudwalker... or something. She shook her head immediately after it crossed her mind. Not that. Keep trying, Kitty.

She stopped suddenly, turning around and tilting her head to listen. Something was coming this way, faint sounds drifted towards her, reverberating off the narrow corridor walls. As they drew nearer, Kitty could make out bits and pieces of a conversation.

"... Safe here. I took this ... no one's ever really here until ... I felt bad that you had to hide ... be comfortable." Said one voice.

Then, a second joined in. "... You have no idea how much I appreciate this. You're kind of saving my life here."

The words became clearer the closer they came, and now Kitty could hear their footsteps just a corner or so away. She stepped back, quietly, pressing herself against the nearest wall. Taking a deep breath, she slid back another step. This time there was no physical contact, however, as she willed herself to pass through.

This may be it, Kitty thought. Somehow doubt there are that many people going for casual strolls through these parts of the city. Maybe fifty-fifty it's just some assholes screwing around, though. Or looking to get high.

Now standing in a darkened store, sleazy DVDs lining the dust-strewn shelves, Kitty could no longer hear the two talk. She waited, counting to ten, before slowly easing her head forward, back through the wall. Careful to only go so far, she made sure just enough of her head was protruding from the surface to see and hear.

She could now spot the two figures. One much taller, and looking like a college student if not older. His smooth face and styled hair matching his suave demeanor as he flashed a brilliant, charming grin at his younger friend. It was this younger of the duo that nearly caused Kitty to stumble forward completely through the wall. The boy was maybe fifty feet away, covered mostly in well-worn, shabby clothes and partially hidden by the relatively low lighting here. But even still it would have been impossible for Kitty to miss the kid's unique features.

Okay. Alright. We've got green skin. Either that's an out-of-season Halloween costume, or I just found my lead.

Kitty watched as the two continued along, approaching a sharp bend.

Shoot, gonna need to reposition or I'll lose them.

With the pair's backs turned to her now, having passed her hiding spot without incident, she began to continue moving through the wall and back into the alley proper. An abrupt movement to her left, though, caused her to freeze an instant short of revealing herself as a third figure stepped out from their own hidden corner. This one moved with silent haste, rapidly approaching the other two as the boy with green skin began to joke.

If Kitty hadn't been holding her breath, she would have gasped. Raising their right hand, the mysterious newcomer quickly plunged a syringe into the apparent mutant's neck. The kid had no time to react as he collapsed, whatever fast-acting drug injected into his system rendering him unconscious in short order.

What the fuck, Kitty cursed to herself. What the fuck!

The two older gentlemen, as she could now see the third figure had been a man, traded words, clearly familiar with one another.

"Drop it. You did your job, you'll get paid. No more complaining."

Job, Kitty repeated, forcing herself to refocus. These are definitely the assholes taking the kids.

Her eyes flicked towards the boy, crumpled on the ground. He looked young, definitely younger than herself. And he was now defenseless, the two predators looming over his unconscious form.

Kitty could feel her heart beating furiously in her chest, threatening to punch its way out. She was still halfway phased through the wall, less than a hundred feet from the two men.

Closing her eyes, she took a moment to clear her panicked thoughts. This is it. This is what it's all about, Kitty. It's now or never.

Clenching both fists tightly, Kitty Pryde stepped forward, emerging from the building and into her new life.

"Hey! Hey, you! Get away from him!"

Absolute Comics - Season Two: The Monster Within

Paging @HenryJonesJr, @Iceheart and @Xandrya as those we haven't heard from yet via other channels

EDIT: Damn you, Wraith

@ComradeMaxx

You had one job, and you failed.
Seriously, how do you expect us to believe you have any real authority here?

Absolute Comics - Season Two: The Monster Within

@Hound55

As requested:

First Post:

Aside from your banner taking up 20% of the entire post, solid opener. The beginning monologue immediately pulled me in and left me wanting to read more. There are quite a few grammatical errors (such as no apostrophes on possessive words) spread about that you could catch with ease if you read your posts before submitting them. I wish you would, but that's your choice, I'm trying not to focus on those kinds of things in these reviews unless they're to a degree that bothers me. I do, however, suggest you italicize instead of capitalizing words you want to stress.

Huh. You are now the second person I know who double spaces between sentences. So weird.

As someone who had big plans for him during my short-lived runs as Spider-Man, I appreciate that you're using Abner Jenkins. Definitely looking forward to seeing how you utilize him. And I like that you're tying in designs for his Beetle suit to Ted's in this manner (I assume). Solid concept.

Really loving your characterization of Ted. Both his total recall memory, as well as observational wit. I also cannot stress enough how much I appreciate that you are fully giving Ted the credit he deserves for his genius intellect. The guy is arguably smarter than Bruce Wayne, and a better inventor, but it's rarely shown in comics because writers have dumb hard-ons for Batman. I know part of his schtick is that he's not often taken seriously by the hero community, but I'm happy you're going this route regardless.

This is an example of first-person narrative that works. Also helps that you're doing present tense. It's interesting how you're blending Ted's POV in with the first-person omniscient style, but it suits what you're doing.

Second Post:

Update: I was wrong. B.E.E.T.L.E. suit and Ted's BB suit not entirely linked. Still cool, though. Disappointed you didn't go all in on the trope-y silliness and name the patent as 833-713 (BEETLE). Regardless, I'm loving the exposition.

Be careful, though, that your sentences don't get too wordy. I don't mean technical jargon, I mean unnecessary, additional words. There's more than a few occasions where you have extra phrases and articles that can cause your writing to become clunky and awkward. And be careful of tautologies. These all relate to syntax and diction choices and are largely solved by reading through your posts out loud. I feel like that's something I'll likely repeat a few times for your review, but it's also a problem you already are aware of. You just need to make the effort to correct it.

Also, nice fast food advertisement reference. I got that.

The Farley Fleeter vs man in green scene got slightly confusing. Wasn't entirely clear who Farley was, nor his significance. Like, why is this weirdly named advertising agent being hired for shady non-advertising business? Obviously some of this you may have wanted to keep unspoiled, but I'd have liked a little more substance here, personally. I don't know, took me out of the scene as I had to reread it, but this particular critique may be entirely me. I am rather dumb.

Using "torch" from an American perspective can be odd, but that's clearly a very minor nitpick. Just something I noticed.

I'd also recommend, in general, spelling out uncomplicated numbers. Sometimes you'll say twenty-six, other times you'll put 6. The former is correct, and maintaining continuity between your forms will keep things fluid and not risk a reader being taken out of the moment. Again, though, relatively minor.

Third Post:

Was the blue writing in the first scene meant to be verbal dialogue? Because there were no quotation marks. Or was this a thought-based tech Kord was using? Oh, wait. Nevermind. You used some funky colors for the quotation marks that weren't visible unless I stuck my face against the monitor or highlighted the line. Please don't do that lol.

Man. That poor A.I. gets no respect.
But, this post was a "good time."

Fourth Post:

Interesting recap. Your wacky omniscient, first-person narrator style is interesting for sure. But it works for what you're doing. I'm enjoying it, at least. Aside from the "(***Again, sorry about the spoilers...***)" bit which I felt took me out of the writing for a moment.

Phew. You went back to non-weird, alternating color schemes. That's a relief.

Multiple lines of separate dialogue from different people in the same paragraph are no bueno. I know you were going for a montage sort of deal in that paragraph, but it never really works out, and it looks jarring and clunky.

When you have such extraordinarily long periods of dialogue, I think you should toss in some exposition here and there. Obviously, you must know this as this is something you have joked about constantly lately, but the point remains. Especially when it comes to segments that aren't just dialogue, but rapid back-and-forths for an extended time. Doesn't even have to be something detailed, just a line or two here and there to break up the monotony.

That being said, I enjoy Ted's banter.

Fifth Post:

Man. Hank sucks at texting.

Similarly to my appreciation of Ted's brilliance being established, I appreciate Pym getting the same treatment. He's the Scientist Supreme in Marvel for a reason, yet his genius is so often overlooked compared to Reed's and Tony's, despite being their equal or even better in some regards.

Not gonna lie, the transitions from bolded yellow to that red for the dialogue made me worry I'd get a headache.

How old are these incarnations of Hank and Janet meant to be? I'm assuming late thirties early forties based on context, but at times I get an old man feel from Hank.

I'm interested in seeing more of your characterization for Hank. At times his awkwardness feels close to being on the spectrum. Curious if you intend to tie that into his quirky brilliance or not.

Sixth Post:

Ted's a good friend. And a good guy. I approve.

Scott Lang name drop and potential Ant-Man shenanigans: check.
Hint at Ultron assistant incoming: check (I think?).
Intriguing me and keeping me interested in the ongoing plot: double check.

I like how you're handling the unhinged Pym dynamic. Keeping Jan worried for what he'll do, but not just going straight wife-beater Pym, which I have always hated. I also appreciate that you're addressing the fact that these discoveries and technologies the comic characters create could be used for legitimate world-wide issues and cure real problems, and not just punch bad guys in the face. I get annoyed by that in comics. So, definitely like that.

I'm not sure if intentional or not, but you keep switching between bolded and regular text for Kord. At first, I thought you were trying to display when he was being louder, but that doesn't seem to be the case judging from his speech before the experiment.

Also, love that Hank, but primarily Jan, figured out Ted's secret after a single outing. Subvert those cliches!

---

In conclusion, I'm enjoying your story a lot. I like the way you handle the narrative. But, you absolutely need to proofread your stuff before you post. It'll take you much less time reading it out loud beforehand than it does for you to continuously panic then reread through things after the fact. And, also, just keep an eye out for when your dialogue exchanges go too long without breaks of (minor) exposition. Both of those will help maintain your flow.

Good stuff, though, looking forward to the next post! Crossing my fingers Ted shows up to the expo in a meat suit. They've got the bigass bacon all ready for the material.

Absolute Comics - Season Two: The Monster Within

@Simple Unicycle

Continuing from where I left off on reviewing your posts. I decided to read through everything linked in your post catalog all at once so I could provide better feedback without constantly discussing things in the past as I went. And also because I figure that many of the things I said to you regarding the first post may hold true for several more of these, and I don't want to just rehash the same points to you over and over again. So, I'll only mention those things briefly to say whether I saw them improve or stay the same naturally over time, and the rest of this will focus on the narrative itself. Or, that's the goal as I start, at least, as I'll be writing these out in real time as I go.

Second Post:

I liked the start. The exposition as we followed Jeremy. There were a handful of poor diction choices - a lot of repetition - and some awkward syntax here and there, but mostly it was alright. I think, for me, your third-person narrative is much better than your first. Which is alright, the only way to improve is to keep doing it. But seeing the difference in how you write third-person compared to first makes a considerable difference in how I feel about your writing. For instance, I think the way you do combat from a first-person perspective leaves things chaotic, and not in a way that feels like it's on purpose.

That being said, I enjoy that you're going the Buffy route with the vampires dusting. And the introduction of Frank leaves me interested.
_{(Hoping you don't pull a Gowi and make Frank Drake related to Tim Drake.)}

Fourth Post:

Hm. After reading this post, I'll adjust my previous comments. I think your first-person with Deacon, while still not quite the same as your third-person writing, was better than your Blade perspective. Part of this is definitely because you slowed things down and gave the character introspection. Deacon felt more like a character to me, whereas with Blade he's more of a dispensary for one-liners. Which, personally, I don't find makes for the best read without there being more to it.

Also, speaking of Deacon, I liked that you make him cold and calculating. Cliche for a villain, sure, but there's a reason it is cliche. It works, and I enjoy reading a manipulative bad guy who actually uses his mind as a weapon. For the most part, aside from more repetition, I enjoyed this portion of the post.

Fifth Post:

Alright, so I was initially disappointed that immediately after introducing Deacon as someone who is calm and contemplative, you throw him and Eric into battle. No buildup. And, while I still would have liked to see things fleshed out more before reaching the climax, I'm glad to see that you ended it the way you did. Also, your fight scenes here were much better done than previously, I feel. So much less chaotic. And the lack of constant one-liners every other line helped me enjoy the scene, personally.

I will say, though, that you really shouldn't do the whole "*cough cough*" thing mid-dialogue like that. Or at all when writing a story. Just cut the dialogue with actual words telling us that he's coughing, hacking up blood, gasping, etc. Not to sound rude, but the former comes off as amateurish. The asterisks thing only really works in casual, informal chat settings.

Sixth post:

Your first-person writing definitely improves when you slow things down and give time and space for exposition. I think adding in some introspection from Eric would also help things feel more natural and less chaotic.

Seventh Post:

All I can really think reading this post is that I wish there were more exposition and introspective moments. As an audience member to the narrative you're weaving, I want to feel like I'm in the story. I want to feel like these are real people, a real setting, real history to the world. Not saying you need to lore dump or go George R.R. Martin on us by any means, but just adding in some of these things here and there where they naturally fit can help people become more immersed in your story, as well as eager to read more.

Eighth Post:

I appreciate that you're weaving in the past narrative as a way to mirror the present. To me, I'm still not connecting with Eric as a character. I'm not finding any substance to him yet, personally. But I am interested in reading more about Deacon. So, I'm looking forward to seeing how that develops.

Also, I liked the ending of this post. That was nicely done.

---

All in all, for me, if you slowed things down just a little so things felt more naturally developed, and utilized some exposition and introspective inner monologuing more, I think your posts would benefit. As well as reading through your posts several times, out loud, to catch the awkward moments of repetition that are throughout your writing.

I'm enjoying the story you're telling more now than when it began. I don't think your opening post did justice to your capabilities at all. I hope to see more character development from Eric, and I am interested to see where you take Deacon moving forward. His story, both past and present, has my attention.

Absolute Comics - Season Two: The Monster Within

Stein's clearly trying to take my position of best character proposal banner with this obviously mediocre attempt.
_{That looks really fucking good, Stein. I like it.}

Absolute Comics - Season Two: The Monster Within

@Retired, Kori is probably my favourite Titan right now, but I am rather concerned about Gar so if you could continue writing that perspective, that'd be great.

@Lord Wraith

He dead.