Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by Kurai Assassin
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Kurai Assassin Edgelord

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I just want to say thank you to anyone that has reviewed mine whether they were a judge or not. I under stand the punctuation errors and i will surely try to improve upon these errors and i appologise for the length of the scene as i have had writers block as all my current effort has gone into an entire short story im writing. so apologies for the length and the Errors and i hope next time i can actually beat the challenge
Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by mdk
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Fair and square. The next one will be much stronger.
Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by Gwynbleidd
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I'm about to head out right now, but I wanted to say thank you for the reviews and a HUGE thank you for putting this together. This was a lot of fun! I look forward to the next labor.

I think I forgot to allow my name to be used in the entry. On The Adversity of Death was my entry. I think I'll write my own reviews on each piece as well in the next few days because I have an abundance of free time except for this immediate moment!
Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by mdk
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TBC -- I hate being this guy, but I don't have time at this current exact moment to finish the two longer entries. If I don't get to it in..... call it two days. If I don't get to them, someone please yell at me.
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Hidden 10 yrs ago 10 yrs ago Post by PlatinumSkink
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@mdk I had an easier time, I didn't have to read my own really long entry when it came to reviewing! XD

My apologies for that. Still, yeah. I'll look forward to seeing what you think of it. Because honestly... I'm confused.

Edit: @Dark Wind And your thoughts too, if you make it. Haha. Anyone's thoughts, really, but I'll stick to looking forward to those who said they'll write reviews. Hah.
Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by Psyga315
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We could talk some technique on the fight scene if you want, but that's nitty-gritty and I'll save it for now -- but if you wanna have a conversation let me know, here or in PM, I have general thoughts on your approach.


Alright, I wouldn't mind.

And yeah, I wrote the story... Probably should have mentioned that in the PM, but meh, next entry.
Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by mdk
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<Snipped quote by mdk>

Alright, I wouldn't mind.

And yeah, I wrote the story... Probably should have mentioned that in the PM, but meh, next entry.


The thing that jumped out at me was 'names.' First when Nicholas is fighting the various monsters, we see the word 'Monster' pop up like a bunch of times (and also 'Slugger/sluggers'). Later, when Nicholas and Daishuryou are fighting, each of their names gets spelled out practically every sentence. Mind you -- the action is great. But it's written in such a way that the reader needs you to clarify who's stabbing which person at any given moment. And again -- you're covering that base so we don't wind up confused, and you're doing a fine job of that. The next level, according to some jerk on the internet, is to structure the writing so that you can use more pronouns, and the readers still don't wind up confused. There's a thousand ways to skin that cat. Me personally, I tighten up the sentences and shed a lot of details -- bad example I'm making up, I would almost always transform "John punched James in the chest, and James kicked John in the neck" into "They traded blows." When I do that, I'm simplifying the action a bit, and leaving a bit more to the reader's imagination, but I'm also skipping right ahead to the next sentence, and on the whole (if I do it right), the scene will flow faster and keep the pulse pounding just a little harder.

This isn't basic-level stuff -- this is the part where every writer has to do things their own way and find their own answer. If you try it my way, odds are, you'll hate it -- so don't try it my way. The point isn't to change your style, it's for you to start thinking about new ways to turn choreography into stylized writing. So you take something like:

As he realized it, Daishuryou found a chance and cut off Nicholas’ arm off. Before Nicholas had time to scream in pain, Daishuryou ran his sword through Nicholas.


That's all the steps to a pretty sweet dance. In theater it's called 'blocking:' person A goes to spot X while person B does Y. You can take those movements and turn them into a performance -- it's more than just getting the steps right, it's adding your own flavor. Maybe you pause for a reflection -- "Nicholas realized how hopeless the fight was. True enough, as that thought crossed his mind, a searing pain ripped through his arm, and before he even found the time to scream, Daishuryou's sword was hilt-deep in his chest." Maybe you play up some hardcore fighting technique instead -- "Nicholas had to be fast. He gambled on a parrying move -- and missed! He was no match for this foe, and he realized it too late. Daishuryou's inward cross-slash took his arm off at the elbow, and he was helpless. The finishing riposte came an instant later."

Really, anything. The goal is to treat action as a chance to show off your style. You can't do that until you've got good action -- and you have plenty of good action, communicated well. I think it's time for the next step.
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Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by Psyga315
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@mdk

That's actually useful advice and I hope I can absorb that advice to use in later stories, given how I plan to write a lot of action-orientated stories.
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Hidden 10 yrs ago 10 yrs ago Post by Gwynbleidd
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As an update, I have now officially read every single entry. The start of reviews should come tomorrow when my brain is not fried. And well, exhausted from all the brutal and wonderfully bad ends for everyone involved.

EDIT: I'll be placing the reviews here.

I haven't officially written any reviews as of yet. But, I am starting as of this moment. Probably won't be in order. I'll just let you know. Okay. Cool.

REVIEW CHECKLIST: (Green means it has been reviewed)
ALL WORKS HAVE BEEN REVIEWED








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Hidden 10 yrs ago 10 yrs ago Post by PlatinumSkink
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Honestly, I would have submitted myself as a judge if I had known I'd only need to do a third (fourth?) of the entries, since I didn't know how busy I'd be or if there's be twenty entries or something I didn't want to completely book myself up those three days in the worst case scenario. ... On the other hand, maybe it is a good thing I didn't, seeing how I must have completely misunderstood the criteria for a passing entry because I'd have passed all of these in the situation I was picked to review that particular one on the basis that they did what the objective told them to do. Oh, well. Haha. ... I'll assume that if I did submit myself, I would have gotten a little lesson in what it takes. Hah.

... So, when's the next one? I obviously have something to prove, now. And now I can't possibly contribute with anything shorter, because writing gripping long texts is obviously what I need to practice. Especially to that specific judge, who I'd love to have give her thoughts on it regardless if she's my judge or not. I just feel I have something to make up for, after all. My goal was to get all twelve and failed on the easiest one, so now I need a new goal. That's the one I'm picking. Get a winning entry of that length. That'll do. If I can get that specific individuals approval due to my own skill, that'd be wonderful, but of course I'd accept any circumstances that makes that impossible. In any case. Yupp.
Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by Holmishire
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Holmishire Ghost with no home.

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I'd like to give my appreciation to @RomanAria, @mdk, and @PlatinumSkink for reviewing my entry. For those who may have forgotten, I wrote the Death of the Watchman—and realized too late how ultimately generic that title would become in this context!

(As an aside, I particularly enjoyed the Adversity of Death, the Early Demise of Benjamin Wilkins, and the Forgotten Death of Peter.)

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Hidden 10 yrs ago 10 yrs ago Post by mdk
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Exactly. And you're right -- it does make sense at the beginning, and heck, it makes sense for a lot of the rest, too. It's almost never "wrong," and yet, it's typically "not right" either..... But in this story a lot of the passive was justified. Which, honestly, is kind of rare.

EDIT: Let's add another review!

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Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by Gwynbleidd
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And there you have it. A few posts up I have edited one post and included my reviews! As to some of the reviews given, I'll address them here.

@RomanAria Wow. I wasn't expecting a perfect score or anything like that. Thank you so much for the glowing review. It's nice to know that someone likes my work so much or that I got you to cry. I write for me and to draw out emotions from other people so hearing about a reaction like that makes me very happy. You're far too kind, haha. I did put a lot of thought into reactions and how things would play out. I only wish I had a bit more time I could put into the actual death scene that I was able to put into the character relationships from the beginning. But again, thank you so much!

@PlatinumSkink Lol, well. At least you really enjoyed the beginning aspect of the work. I probably had the most fun working on the interactions between Kaelyn, Landon, and Terra. Kaelyn is definitely a favorite character of mine. Sassy, sarcastic, trouble-making teen with a troubled past who grew up to start trusting people again. The early writing of her was definitely a bit melodramatic, but at the heart of her character I just loved the way she interacted with others.

As for the death scene. I don't necessarily disagree with you. Scripted, maybe. I didn't feel like I got the death scene down as much as I wanted to. But I did give a lot of thought to how she would react and I don't know. I felt that went down mostly the way I wanted it to. Death being random and unfair at times. Definitely some details I wanted to include in the ending. I also have problems with death scenes. I try to find the perfect balance between dialogue and description because I feel like too much dialogue doesn't come off as genuine and real to me. One day I shall succeed in the balance!

The change of the essay length was on purpose. Was trying to balance out description and "less is more". On top of that, I was also running out of time. Not for the time to hand in the entry, but I was also heading to a party that night so I had to finish that more quick than I wanted to. That might explain certain things. Anyway, that's what I've got to say on that.
Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by Psyga315
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Also, any reason for the "green" lightning specifically? I don't want to drift into the "blue curtain" argument, but I tend to think about every little thing when I write. Not that green has to MEAN anything like the state of mankind's soul lmao. It could just be that color due to their power or w/e. Or you don't have to address it at all. It's one of those questions I have and I'm interested by the answer.


Oh, don't worry. It's an easy answer. It's because that's literally the color of the lightning he (technically Shadow Moon, but still) throws out as seen in the show.
Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by Gwynbleidd
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Ah! Well there we go. Lol, cool. Question answered.
Hidden 10 yrs ago 10 yrs ago Post by Loksfjoer
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I want to thank everyone for their reviews, I'm glad people enjoyed to read it. I can't say it was fun to write about the early demise of Ben, but I liked how the story turned out myself.
Overall people seemed to have enjoyed the near-death scenes I added. I figured that everyone knew he was going do die, since that was the goal of the first labour, but I still wanted to give you all an unexpected death and that's why added them. It's great to see it worked out so well.

@CaughtInTheRiddle, you mentioned his death came over as a plot hole. Now that you mentioned it I get why you say that (even though I had to look up the term real quick), but that was unintentional. I looked for a way to kill him that came both as a surprise for Ben as for the reader, but still give it a viable explanation after it happened. In this case, Ben doesn't even know which one of the men that had been released from the clinic in the past she is talking about, nor when exactly he had been released. I could have explained that in more detail I suppose, but I kept my focus on Ben. So yeah, I'll keep that in mind and avoid possible plot holes in the future.
I understand why you say the aftermath was unneeded for the story, but, well, I needed it. I couldn't stop at 'he died.' so I didn't.
I'm really grateful for the 4.5/5 stars, thank you!
Plus, I'm surprised you only found just 1 or 2 spelling mistakes. While I like to think I've become pretty good at writing in English, it's still a foreign language for me and there are still moments in which I have to grab a dictionary and look something up. Feel free to point out the spelling mistakes, I can only learn from that.

@PlatinumSkink, I have little else to say but thank you for your positive feedback, I'm glad you liked the story and that you liked the aftermath as well.

@mdk, a comma-infestation. Got it. I'll keep it in mind for future stories. That being your only complaint made me happy and I'm glad you reacted so positive to my story.

@Dark Wind, I'm glad you overall liked the story.
The aftermath, like I metioned above, it's something I needed. I know that none of you know Ben or his family and friends, that is why I avoided going into detail with the aftermath and stuck with globally describing what happened, but I needed the closure in the story. For me it just wasn't complete without it.
I suppose there is a fine line between imagery and being repetitive and I have yet to find it. With only 1 out of 4 reviews mentioning this, I feel I at least did better with it then in the first writing competition, where it had been mentioned more often, but there's still some work to be done in that area. With the example you gave, I now see the second 'once more' was unneeded and it would have been better if I had added 'and he ploughed through it' in the first sentence. Mentioning he reached another fully covered road didn't seem unneeded to me. Ben could have reached the clinic by following all snow-free roads ever since he left the first snow-covered road behind him. So in the example I felt it was needed to mention it and not leave it up to the reader's imagination, but I could be wrong there. I'm grateful you pointed it out though and I'll certainly keep an eye on not getting repetitive with the scenery in the future.

@Holmishire, I'm glad you enjoyed the story.
Hidden 10 yrs ago 10 yrs ago Post by mdk
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Done!

Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by Gwynbleidd
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Done!



Thanks so much! Really appreciate not only the compliments, but the constructive things you've had to say.

Honestly, to start off I knew that the death scene was going to happen. Everyone does because that's the nature of the whole first labor. So, I figured to get the best out of it (and as a rule of writing it's the best way to get results) was to create characters that felt real and relatable. Luckily the characters were ones I cared about so that was easy! Somewhat.

Hah, I'm glad you said cinematic with regards to Terra's voice on her paper. That's EXACTLY what I was going for. A voice over style. I'm trying to become a screenwriter so I was familiar with the use of voice overs in scripts. And, I wanted to experiment with the prompt for an English class. The explanation is that in RPGC#1 I had the "letter from heaven" (For Blue Skies) entry. In that I was experimenting with that element of story telling and tried to play around with it. This time I wanted to build on it and create a longer, more fleshed out story with it. At the same time, I didn't want it to be solely focused with Terra's re-telling of events the entire way through. I feared that could become too… tell rather than show. But I was interested in possibly writing it that way because hey, if it's a prompt then she's going to be telling and it can be forgiven as long as I put in some images that the readers can visualize for themselves.

So, I opted for what I did because Kaelyn's character is far too much fun to write when she's interacting with other people. I definitely agree with the other options you've put out (and they're really good ones I might add). I think it could have been better if it was focused on Terra's perspective being called into the office as you suggested, or doing it from Kaelyn's perspective and sticking with it from that line and following through. I simply stuck with what I chose because mainly I wanted to experiment with my writing.

Lol… Periods. Nice. Good catch though, your re-structuring of that part is better. Thanks for the input. I LOVE the sentence frag, so you'll probably find it in a lot of the stories I write.

Ah, the Harris perspective shift. That's definitely one of the spots in the death scene I felt could have been smoother. Perhaps a description of Kaelyn watching the events might have been a place to start. I'll have to look it over and think of different ways to attack that part.

Thanks for your thoughts, they were very helpful!
Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by Terminal
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Terminal Rancorous Narrative Proxy

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As a general announcement ahead of time, I would like to state that the Secret Bonus Challenges will not be returning for TTL#2. While I admit I had more than a small amount of fun coming up with punny names and conditions for each award, ultimately the number of entries and the obscure nature of the bonus challenges makes them somewhat pointless.

Instead, Bonus Challenges will be replaced by Challenge Accolades. While I will not fully elaborate upon the nature of Accolades right this moment, I will say they will be rewarded to any poster who goes above and beyond the parameters of the challenge in their submissions. A way to reward extra effort, rather than to randomly reward the odd entry that fulfilled the Labour in a highly specific way.

That is all. As you were.
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Hidden 10 yrs ago 10 yrs ago Post by RomanAria
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RomanAria 𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕊𝕟𝕦𝕘𝕘𝕝𝕖 𝕊𝕚𝕟𝕘𝕦𝕝𝕒𝕣𝕚𝕥𝕪

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@Terminal I'm volunteering for June's TTL as well. I can't, because I just realized swim camp is right during TTl, and I won't have internet access at all for two and a half weeks.
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